Published March 8, 2008
Chapter 1.
Defeat
Momo breathed furiously.
There was nowhere to go, but if she didn’t move she would most certainly be killed. Momo backed up but stopped. She looked behind to see she was on the edge of a cliff. "Shit," Momo moaned. Must be at least 200 feet down.
There was a river at the bottom of the cliff, which was barely visable in the nighttime scenery. But she would have to jump out 50 feet away just to get to it. It required strength she just didn’t have at the moment. Momo looked away. She continued to breath heavily. Her lungs felt like bursting at any second, but that was the least of her problems. With no chakra left she could perform no more jutsu to defend herself.
“You lose.” A menacing male voice growled.
The blonde girl’s eyes widened. She knew exactly what he meant. It was the end.
Momo could do nothing but watch the steel blade pierce her stomach and slowly begin to slice up her towards her chest. But she stopped it by pushing down the sword blade with her hands, using what little strength she had left to save herself. Unfortunately, it only bought her a few more minutes of life.
Momo struggled breathing- coughing up blood.
The man before her was no older than herself, about 18. His blood, red dyed bangs hanging over his short black hair seemed to fit his cold grayish eyes. Momo’s blood had sprayed upon his black leather jacket, dripping onto the grass. The man just laughed at Momo’s poor attempted to save herself. He stared right into his victim's emerald green eyes. Momo's attacker only looked into her eyes- not noticing her blood covered green shirt, or even her shaking legs. Making her skirt rinkle.
The blonde’s eyes began to tear up as she reached her shaking hand towards him.” Pppllease stop, Kai…. please.” Momo stuttered.
Kai’s smile vanished when Momo touched his shoulder. But as quickly as it disappeared, his smile once again showed through his thin red chapped lips. Kai placed his hand on Momo’s shoulder too, but this was not out of care. He pulled his sword from her body and kicked her off the cliff. Sending Momo to her doom.
As she fell, Kai felt a sense of happiness from killing his last ties to humanity. Causing Momo pain, not only for being the weak human she is, but also for the thought she could save him.
As she fell a thought wondered through her mind. “Oh Kai… why?”
*What did you think of the 1st chapter?*
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
fixed it up, and thanks!
I know of Naruto, but nothing else.
Anyhow, let's have a look.
Two uses of the word 'stomach' here. Try replacing one of them.
'than', typo
I would take off the 'green'. We know it is green, and it wastes space.
Isn't she just a bit more than 'injured'? This is unneeded anyhow.
opponent? Bit of a weak word! She's practically dead!
Anyhow, I liked this chapter, and although I know nothing about Naruto, I thought this was a very ctachy opening! Well done there!
Keep writing!
~Mark~
Yeah, no problem. I love doing Naruto fanfic reviews. (I've started one myself, if you want to check it out.) They're always so fun, and since I'm so obsessed...I can always find ways in Naruto fanfics to improve the plot, characters, etc. It's fun. XD XD You'll get much better at writing in time. ^_^
~Timea
* Naruto arrives in Chapter 4. Since I'm still very young I know I still have a long way to go. In hopes of ever being the great writer I wish to be. I am thankfully for your review Phycic Ninja- chan ^_^. Reviews always help me improve.
Also its great to get reviews from Naruto fans. Hopefully you will like the other chapters better. I got a nice reveiw for chapter 4.
Muahahahaha!!
A Naruto fanfic to crit!!!
Beware: My Naruto fanfic reviews are suuuuper long. XD
I'll crit it as I read:
Shouldn't it be, "Momo breathed heavily."? Actually, you should have a sentence with a little more power to begin.
You don't need to comma since they're not two independent clauses.
Correction: "Shit," Momo moaned.
Instead of a hyphen (sp?) you need a comma.
How 'bout, "Her lungs felt as if they would burst any moment"
Or something to that effect...
To make this sound like the reader's in the story, you should use a different word other than 'told'.
...slice up...? What? This doesn't make sense.
You should revise this sentence. It shoulds confusing. Pushing down with her hands does what...? And you don't use a hyphen you use a comma...or seperate it entirely.
Unfortunately, it only bought her a few more minutes of life.
Just trying to help you out. ^_^
Again, you don't need the hyphen. Use a comma instead.
This is where you should use a comma-between 'blood' and 'red'.
You should revise this sentence too.
Double H's there.
______________________________________________________________________
Overall:
It has potential. You should keep working at it and polishing it up. I agree with the questions Sumi-chan asked. What time is this at in the Naruto storyline? At looking at the picture of Momo, she doesn't really look like a Naruto character....or at least not a shinobi.
You need more description and character development so we, the reader, can get into the character and feel what she is feeling. Also, you should describe your settings more. Describe the thoughts, feelings that Momo is sensing...other than that she is dying. Use your five senses.
I also could really not tell, just by reading it, that it's a Naruto fanfic...other than when you mention chakra. This should be called your prologue instead of the first chapter. It should set up the story and the current events.
Make sure Momo doesn't turn into a Mary Sue.
But here are my points:
1) Use more description about Momo's surroundings and feelings...feeling of impending death or something.
2) Make it fit into Naruto at the beginning.
3) Set up a time where in Naruto this takes place.
This has lots of potential. I'll see how it continues. ^_^
~ the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
* I'll fix the stuff and add a little more, & Sumi its just I'm really used to writing the script/ outline for manga and stuff. I guess I still keep that habbit. I'll try my best not to use it. ^_^
I tried my best with this its been awhile since I wrote a story. Well besides a few storyboards. I hope you all enjoy my improvements and next chapter. It will be up later this week.
1: "Guahahahha" and "Huhuhuhu" are sound effects for manga, not for writing. You can just say, "she was out of breath" or "he laughed eerily" or whatever. Some elements of manga aren't as effective when sans pictures.
2: Don't capitalize dialogue tags.
3: Take a Mary-Sue test, just to be sure: I recommend this one. Just to be on the safe side.
4: What canon is this? What time? Are we going to come across the canon set?
5: There is a Naruto discussion forum under the YWS Groups tab, and under the Manga/Anime Usergroup. Check it out, won't you? ^_~
I'll keep an eye out for your next chapter.
~Sumi
Interesting.
People don't generally voice thoughts when they are in the middle of a life or death struggle. When Momo looks down at the drop, you could have her swear, then have in italics the dialogue tag: It has to be a two hundred foot drop to skow that she is thinking it, but without her actually having to say it.
Overall, I liked it, though I could have done with a little more character development before we go directly into the fight. Also, how old is Momo? You say that the man is no older than her, but you don't tell us how old she actually is...
You use 'blonde' twice to describe Momo and you spell it differently both times. If I'm not mistaken, 'blonde' could be considered the feminine form (at least, it's that way in French...) and I would go with that, but you can do whatever you want. Just choose one.
Anyway, interesting.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
The luckily line isn't doing it for me, it sounds a little cheesy. You might get a better effect if you said "Using what little strength she had left, she pushed down on the blade." <-- That's not perfect of course but you can play around with different words
Nice story though, very gripping.