Published April 9, 2008
Prologue
The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson teardrops onto the ground. As the sounds of screams echoed through out the empty room, I wondered: Had it truly been worth it? In order to save another life, would I have to give my own?
I hadn't realized that he was actually asking the questions in my head. My faintish feeling caused me to believe for a moment that they were my thoughts.
Opening my mouth slightly, I tried to respond. But my throat was still sore and swollen. Instead I gave a light nod in return.
My vision blurred and the man before me just became a grey blob. I could not see his dark green lifeless eyes or his black silk hair. I smiled.
It was funny, the only reason I didn't start laughing was because I could not speak. The truth could not be hidden; I was just lying to myself. I didn't know why though, perhaps it would make dying a little bit easier. If I believed I died for something. For someone I didn't love. But that didn't stop my body from moving. From using my own flesh as a shield, giving up all my hopes and dreams. Leaving the ones I loved and that truly loved me back, behind. I gave that all up for someone who in fact hated me, yet my body still moved.
The pools of blood around me soon vanished as the earth absorbed them, erasing their presence. As the sun fell into the horizon, my life was soon going to end.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well that is certainly quite the powerful start. Its not always that you have a prologue that's in the first person start with a death. I haven't seen that too many times before and its certainly always a very powerful moment which naturally has to do with all sorts of afterlife shenanigans, and considering the not that subtle hints that tell you how this person died and why it seems like things will in fact be quite interesting here.
Hmm well judging from that interaction there it appears this person is maybe looking up at the one that did in fact send that blade through their heart and this is sort of a gloating related moment there almost although it does appear that this answer has maybe thrown the person off a bit. The situation is certainly escalating quite nicely here.
Okayy that's a much worse moment there. Wow, at first it seemed like a more wholesome but I suppose that title does now come more into perspective there and well this scene suddenly got even more impactful there not to mention a lot more mysterious with that particular ending slapped on to a prologue there. Needless to say you've definitely managed to make us want to read on and find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I edited this! ^_^ Hurray for being smarter! >_<
As everyone else have said I liked it. I'm really sorry i can't give you much opinion but it's a great them and indeed it's a question i have always asked myself if i would give my life for a person I love, a person I give my thoughts every moment, but the person doesn't think of me, and in fact actually does hate me. I think I'd do it anyway. I just hoped he'd live even if he'd hate me. Anyway, great work!
WOW! this is really good! I just love it. My favorite part was this one.
The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson tear drops onto the ground.
its a really strong start. I really like the way you used crimson tear drops to represent blood. ^_^
Bravo.
Summerless I have chapter 1 down. Its not very good, but chapter 2 is going to be a lot better. ^_^
Tear drops is one word. I liked that part a lot. :]
The comma should be omitted.
Else than that the prologue sounded very clandestine and mystifying. I can't wait to read more of this!
thanks for checking this out. I'm glad you liked it Timea. ^_^
Okay, I'm here as resquested. ^_~
I shall...crit like always!
I love this sentence. My only problem with it is "tear". I mean, it works very well as I think about it, but it is also unnecessary. It reminds me of...well, a tear. So I'm thinking here of a bloody tear drop. I'm not so sure it works perfectly (you might be able to find a even better word). But, that sentence is very good.
For more effect, I would use a colon instead of a hyphen. Like: "As the sounds of screams echoed through out the empty room, I wonder: Had it truly been worth it?"
Because of the next sentence, I think that this sentence should be in the previous paragraph. I sorta lump it into that you say that "I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked by him (so the character wouldn't know), and in the next sentence you talk about responding. I don't think you wanted to be connected, since you say "I hadn't realized" and then "I tried to respond." It makes me think that the character is trying to respond to that previous thought...which wouldn't work. Does this make sense? It's kinda hard to explain.
I love this sentence.
I believe it would sound better like this: "If I believed I died for something. For someone I didn't love. But that didn't stop my body from moving." The "but" doesn't really connect those two ideas.
I'm not 100% certain, but instead of a comma there needs to be a semicolon.
Instead of "floor", you need to use another word. "Floor" reminds me of like tile or hardwood. You should say "ground" or "soil", or even a better word. "Floor" doesn't work.
________________________________________________________________________
This is very, very nice, Maki-chan. It has good imagery. It's pretty short and just a prologue, so there's nothing else to say. I"ll crit chapter 1 soon.
~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
Hurray. I liked this part too ^_^
I'll fix her up. And chapter 1 is on the way ^_^
I really disagree with this, I think the line is much more effective before.
And also I really like it, let me know when you post the first chapter
Hey!
First, I found this enjoyable. But before I start rambling, I'll start with the nit-picks so I don't get off track.
These are the things I noticed:
I think you need to change the end of this. It sounded odd to me. Maybe switch this to something like In order to save another life, would I have to exchange my own life for another?
The end of this one was worded funny too. Also, I think you should make this into a few seperate sentences. I would say something like The truth could not be hidden. I was just lying to myself. I didn't know why, though. Perhaps it would make dying a little easier.
I thought this sentence was awkward. You started out good but then the sentence kind of changed. I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe make it into two different sentences because you talk about two different things here. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
I put this in here only because I thought it was really cool.
*beams as I reread the sentence again*
Okay, I thought this was really good. PM me when you put another part of this on here!
Hope this helps!
thanks! ^_^ I'm working on chapter 1. Its getting easier now, so the wait won't be much longer.
this is really good. a few unnatural sentences but besides that, it really drew me in. i can't wait to read more.
cool...
its the opposite for me. First person view workds for me ^_^
sounds good to me..i can't seem to write fully in first person...
I think I'll do first person view for my story.
Im doing third person in a naritive tone on proble four characters in my story and ya that was good.
-em
It's a strong start. I enjoyed reading it, but as the others said there are a few punctuation errors. They aren't that bad though, easily fixed with the backspace key.
I also like the detail in it. It draws the reader in.
Can't wait to read the rest.
1. this is well a prologue and shouldn't really make sense.
2. I get insperation from the simplest and dumbest things- it comes unexspectedly, and with out warning.
^_^
I thank you all very much.
wow.... I guess you all liked it alot. Actually I got insperation from a scene in a movie- Bleach. ^_^
I'll fix it, and I'll put more to it. I hope you all like the other chapters.
That is quite a weird way to word that...try something a little smoother and less cluttered like:
I hadn't realized that those questions were actually being asked by him.
It doesn't have to be crazy in depth, just sufficient, otherwise it becomes cluttered, as I said before.
Okay, what this reminded me of was the beginning of Twilight, you know how it starts out at the end, and it's short, to the point, and otherwise great for a prologue. My only problem with this is you didn't beat Stephenie Meyer to the punch. It's good, but almost too short to critique properly. Othewise, I can't wait to see how this turns out, let's see if you can make this trite idea you own. ;D
Keep up the good work!
-JC
This was very intriguing and yes, I suppose I did like it.
Strong start.
As previously said, this needs to be changed.
A bit of an awkward sentence. Consider:
Opening my mouth slightly, I tried to respond.
Again, a bit awkward. Consider swapping the words about a bit or trying something like:
I could no longer see his dark green lifeless eyes or his black silk hair.
You swap tenses here. Should be: 'as the sun set'.
Overall, a good start and I'd be happy to crit any more that you post.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx
Hey. Other than a few punctuation errors, I really found nothing. It was decently written, and an interesting start. But... am I supposed to know what's going on? Because at this point I have no idea and I feel utterly lost.
Guess I'll have to wait and see. Keep writing.
I really like this..but I want to know how do you come up with these amazing pieces for a beginning? I have the hardest trouble doing that. XD
I like this sentence a lot for the weirdest reason. It's got that deep feeling to me and it ask a question, Would you lay your life down for someone who you loved but in return they hated you?
Interesting! I do like it though!
I like it. I'll give you that. I like it. It's something that I've always pondered about; would I actually sacrifice myself for someone else's?
There weren't many grammar issues that I could see. You did a pretty good job explaining yourself. I loved the whole thing, really. I wish I could offer you some criticism.
This is quite the weird sentence...
I hadn't realized that the questions in my head were actually being asked by him.
Two words.
I do.
:Sythe: