The Sun chapter 1 + into

you see this story is a base for my manga. I use it to help draw the scene and create the words.

So it is like that because of this.

Hope this explaination helps

Hey there. I'll keep this short and straight to the point.

The first paragraph is a cliche. It's not because that it is an info dump, but how it is structured. Personally, if you rephase the paragraph, I think it can be forgiven.

Now what I really don't like was the subtitles that you had between settings. It is a cheap way of getting out the trouble of describing and explaining the situation. This can be fixed if you can think up of a strong transition between these two scenes. I know that is a hard thing to do, but you should at least attempt it.

Now I actually quite liked the idea behind this, but it wasn't executed to its fullest potential, mainly due to there being more telling than showing and the lack of a well defined character.

Andy

I like it It looks like you've got a lot of writing talent, but you still need to get the basics sorted. I'd recomend looking around on the internet, there's loads of sites that go through the very basics, like how to find alternatives for cliche phrases or sentence structure.
Keep up the good work. Kudos.

alright everyone. I shall correct and rewrite things to fit your approval as soon as I can

Thank you all for your comments.

Hi! Heehee.. it's my first post!

Anyways, it's a really great first chapter! I especially liked the bit at the beginning before the chapter began. I think Aet Lindling posted all of the mistakes..

Yeah.. so just keep writing and it could be a really good story! But one thing: maybe next time, you should proof-read it

"Long ago, there was a battle. At the end of the battle, there [s]was[/s] were so many dead. With life comes death, but also with death comes life. Out of the blood and bodies of the dead was born a child."

I've edited in little grammar bits in red, as you can see, and now I'll start with the flow.

The beginning of that paragraph is rather cliche, but it'll work, though it would be a good idea to change it if you can think of a way. However, the rest of it needs more detail. This paragraph seems like a prologue to me, and most prologues are much longer, and with good reason. After all, you're setting up the entire story here. This prologue feels more like a synopsis of what you're really trying to say, so I'd suggest revising, and don't be afraid to make it long.

Edits=Red
Comments=Blue

Chapter 1 a child This format doesn't seem quite right. Maybe try "Chapter 1: A Child" or something?

BEFORE

I shifted to a more comfortable spot. "OWWWW!!" I screamed in pain.
I had hit my head against on You can't use both "against" and "on", silly! Figure out which fits what you meant best and delete the other. one Don't use actual digits when talking about numbers, unless it's about years, or days in a month, or a few other exceptions. of the metal bars. Not surprising, it was pitch black. I grabbed the bar and used it to help me up. I think what you want to say is more like "and lifted myself up, using the bar as leverage" or something. Despite seeming redundant, and I know the reader will understand anyway, it can still definitely change the flow of a piece to change it to something better describing, even when the reader will get it anyway. I faced towards the only area of the cage where you could see. Up on the wall was a small window. There was light outside, though the sun hadn't begun to rise. I quickly climbed the wall. I grabbed the spaces between the bricks. I sat on the tiny window edge and stared out the window. How does she do that? I'm assuming she can't get out of the window, otherwise the cage would be pointless. And unless she's sitting on the outside of the window sill, she'd have to twist her head around to see out the window while sitting on the window sill..*space*I was very excited. "It's almost time." I whispered.
The sun soon began to rise. Its light touched my body. I slipped my hands through the bars. I was smiling. "Good morning to you too!" I yelled.
This was the only time I could feel the sun for the entire day. I was very thankful to have the window in the eastern direction. I sat at the window ledge for hours, basking in its warmth and light. This was the only time I could see myself. I was very pale, but I didn't care, I just enjoyed the warmth and light. I would stay there till noon, when the sun was directly above and its light and warmth left me. It hurt very much to sit on the window's ledge. I only sat there in the morning, so I could greet the sun. "Gone so soon..." I sighed.
When the sun left me I was very sad. I jumped down from the window to the dark room below.

...whoa. There were so many "i"s in this I actually copied and pasted

CodeSelect all

[color=red]I[/color]

Try to work on that, mm?

NOW

"I wished that goddam voice would shut up. Day in and day out it's 'Find me! Find me! It's so annoying!" a young man moaned.
The man was a free roaming nobody. He had never trusted anyone and did things by himself. He was a 21 year old man. He was a little over average for height. He had average baby blue eyes and [s]a[/s] golden blond hair. He just wore a black shirt and dark jean blue pants, which where really baggy. He had his pistol in his largest pocket. He looked like a lot of guys except he had lots of tattoos. Most were on his chest and back except for one which was a tear drop going down his left cheek. He was in a small village. It was perfectly average except for the giant prison building. The man followed the voice. It led him closer and closer to the prison. "Let me take a guess, you're in there?" he thought.
He was in front of the doors. "Don't go in there!" a boy screamed.
The man stopped. He looked towards the boy. "What?" he asked.
"That's the prison of a terrible monster." he told the man.
The man started to laugh and entered the prison. When the door closed it was pitch black in there. He lit a match and began following the voice. On the very top floor there was a prisoner. The last prisoner left. The small child was sitting on the ground. She stared at the darkness. She could hear something in the distance. The man was now on the third floor. His match had gone out so he had opened some windows he found. Soon the floor became filled with light. The girl was amazed when she began to see sunlight in front of her. Through the bars. She stared up towards the light. In front of her stood the man." Is that the sun?" She thought.
She just stared at the man with the most shocked look ever." Are you the one who was calling for me?" He asked.
She just stared at him. In front of him was the palest girl he'd ever seen. She looks like she's dead, he thought.
He was pissed being forced to come to a place like this. "You really need to shut up or I'll..." He stopped. Aha! Though I bet it's by accident (no offense, but you make this mistake a lot), you've found the one time you can capitalize the word coming directly after dialogue. (excepting pronouns) This'd be when the character does an action that does not affect his voice or speech, but has to do with it.
He had just noticed the little girl's eyes. They were pure black. They didn't have a reflection from the light and he couldn't see his figure in them. They were just pure black. "Why can't I finish my sentence?" he wondered. However, here he is wondering out loud. The word "wondering" affects how his speech is meant or said, and thus, you do not capitalize "he".
"It can't be helped." He raised his hand towards her. "Come on. You're coming with me." he commanded. It doesn't make much sense to use something indefinite like "..." when he's saying something definite and firm, as suggested by "commanded".
[color=red]The sun wishes for me to be with him! she thought.
She smiled and nodded. Then, she raised her hand to take his. As she did the bars shriveled away.
OUTSIDE THE PRISON
The girl stayed close to the man. She was obviously afraid of strangers. She was kind of like a baby chick thinking the first thing it sees is its mama. he thought.
The idea of him being her mother made him giggle. "Mama" isn't formal enough for use when the author is talking. I didn't replace the first instance of "mama" because it's a character thinking it, not the author. They stopped at a bar/restaurant. He did pity her a little so he said "You can choose anything from the menu."
The little girl smiled. She chose soup and water. The man just had some beers. In the middle of lunch the man asked. "I just can't call you kid anymore, can I? What's your name?" he asked her.
She stopped eating." I..." She was trembling." I don't have a name..." He put down his beer. The rest of lunch was quiet.

thanks! And I always enjoy reading your comments!

I promise you I'll give this an in-depth critique as soon as I can, but I have to get off now.
Reviewing your work is always so fun!