Red star

they're just random stuff. Once was for my comic The Melon. But it failed. sigh....now its just for your enjoyment.

1.
These ruby eyes
the blood of life
withouth them (without)
the red star cannot exsist (exist)
nor can anything that lives or breaths (breathes, not breaths)
The eyes are worth nothing to me
only that I have been blessed
Yet I must live on (Yet, )
with these lonely eyes
under the light of the red star. (beckons for 'stars')
2.
I stare into the distance
the red glow of my eyes grow (glow and grow...not good here)
a light in the darkness
The rain of tears from which I see (again.. awkward with 'from which I see')
nothing but a blue sky
It will always be there
under the light of the red star.
3.
As I walk on the grass
moist from the rain of days past (forces to rhyme)
I stare into a puddle
I see the glowing red eyes
" Oh red eyes, Why do I see you?
Am I filled with hate
or am I just all alone
like the red stars."
As I walk I stare into the blue sky
I see a red star
I point at it
" You are my star
I created you and you protect me.
I am not alone at all
you are always there
my shining star
oh shinging star (Oh! Shining)
glowing like my red ruby eyes.

They are pretty good, but these poems have some errors which I pointed out and fixed. Though the poems are largely meaningless to me and they don't have a good effect as a result. While being probably fine in meaning, I just haven't read your work for it to make sense to me.

This was very good, Maki-chan. I liked it a lot. I'm not so good at critting poems, but I thought it was very interesting (if not a tad bit weird..) and explored idifferent things. It has very good imagery, as well.

Keep Writing,
~Timea

well it is what ever you want it to be!

I'm going to be honest, I don't get it...

I really don't understand the concept of the 'Red Star', I'm thinking it could be God, a guardian angel, a seperate consciousness, a special person...The list is long, and if this is based on a seperate story, could you at least explain a bit more then?

The content was good, the word 'red' was definitely repeated a lot but I understand seeing as the subject is a 'red star' and can't be described as anything else

I have a feeling this would be appreciated much more if you could explain how this fits into the story

Don't get me wrong, I think this is good

ScarletMonkey

Those were really good, I liked them! There are just a few spelling typos that you might want to fix, and you should try to find another word for red and use the word "red" a little less than you have it. Other than that they were very well written.

(I'm confused though, I'm thinking that they're seperate poems, but I'm not sure )

-Onceuponatim3xo

you see these poems are from when I was writing a story called the Light And Dark.

^_^

I saw that you've recently posted a lot of stuff--try not to post more than one thing a day. It drives people away from your work.

I'm not sure what to think of this poem. I haven't taken much away from it; what do you want to tell your reader? I understand that the speaker has red eyes and feels a bond with a red star, but I'm confused as to the speaker's identity, place in society, or relationship with the star.

At the moment, it's too disconnected to understand, like a bunch of vaguely similar phrases strung together. Use punctuation and complete thoughts. I have trouble connecting to your speaker...give him/her a voice and something to say.

You're also divided the poem into parts. This technique is normally used in poems to separate and identify different thoughts, places, tones, or periods of time. Your divisions seem mostly arbitrary to me, and I'm not sure you need them. If you're going to divide the poem, give each section an identifying characteristic. Think about why you're dividing it; if each section really represents something different from the others, then keep the divisions and enhance them. If you don't really have a strong reason, toss the numbers.

SO MUCH RED. Your reader's going to get tired of reading the word by the end. Use it less. We get it already!

-Colleen