Published January 20, 2008
Purpose
We all share equal rights on the earth
Living under the sun
Breathing the air of the sky
Given life to decide for our selves
Everyone each having moments of sorrow and joy
No one is favored by fate’s cold heart
Having the chance to survive as they see fit
And having their important people surround them
But what happens when you are born
Just like so many are born before and after you
The wielder of fate decides to torment you
Filling your life with agony and sadness
Laughing at your new destiny
A soul with no purpose to live
Walking around aimlessly with no end
Traveling across the barren world
Being able to never have someone who cares
No one will ever care whether you are here or not
If you had ever been alive at all
If you really exist or not
You will travel through a thriving city
Filled with so much life and happiness
Unfortunately nobody will notice your silent footsteps
Steadily making your way towards the unknown
As the daytime sun sets
People will still be hurrying along the sidewalks
Passing right by you
Without even knowing it
Evanescing into the night alone
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Canary word: Present
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139,658 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
alright I shall get rid of the repeaters.
I shall not give up!!!
It bogs down. It really really does.
Two things:
This could be 1/4th the length. The imagery or language wasn't really redundant, but... it was. So was the idea and sentiment.
Thats three stanzas of the exact same thing. Just different words. Delete everything not in orange.
Also: I think you could strip down your language a bit too. This is more of a style thing, but If I remember, the last time I reviewed your work, I thought it felt too much like prose with line breaks. This is better, but you could still work on trimming the fat.
Ex:
Traveling through a thriving city
filled with happiness
my footsteps go unnoticed
making their way into the unknown
Overall: This is okay, but not really engaging enough, due to length and repetition.
EDIT: