You're always on my mind
I dream of our bodies entwining
But since you seem so far away
I gaze out the window sighing
Loneliness swirls all around me
Like leaves in the blustering wind
Don't let our love slip away
Before it even begins
Embracing seems like a fantasy
One that will never come true
Fairytale days are over now
But I'm still dreaming of you
Memories of us together
Have mostly gone astray
Love is calling out to us
So please don't slip away
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Okay, I put it into stanzas, which was how the poem was to begin with but somehow got screwed up, but I don't feel the need to change any of the words. To be completely honest, I wrote this poem about two years ago, and the emotions in it describe exactly how I felt. I don't personally care if it sounds cliche because those were the only words that I could come up with that fit with how I was feeling when I wrote it. The same thing goes for the rhymes. Also, I didn't really have intentions of writing a certain style; my poetry is quite often "free verse."
So thank you all for the advice, but I'm happy with my poem as it is.
This is very cliche... you bring nothing new to the idea pallet. It's really same-old same-old. You don't let us experience any of this feeling, you just tell us. This poem comes very close to navelgazing. One tip in poetry, show don't tell. Let us experience the emotion, give this an original slant, because right now it's nothing new and bores.
Overall: Show don't tell. Also give it an original slant.
Good luck
VSN
I agree--stanzas would make this easier to read. Also, the end of the poem rhymes but the beginning doesn't. It messed with the flow--the end flowed perfectly, but not along with the beginning. You could try and make the beginning rhyme with the existing words, but I'm not sure that would work. Maybe you should rewrite the first few lines to add rhyming and then to work in stanzas.
Well...
I liked it. It was a nice short poem.
The problem. No stanzas
It will not only improve the reading, it will also give it a kinda vibe.
Though. If you put stanzas in, you're going to have to change a few lines or you'll have to add more. Some lines are like(Darn it,I can't remember the word! Curse modern society!) It's like... some will go well with just 3 lines in a stanza, others with four.
You just have to iron out those problems and it will be a nice poem, because in the end of the poem it is a perfect (I know the word, just not in English.)
"4" line stanza, but in the beginning it's a bit shaky. You have to decide. What is the vibe you're looking for?
You must also look at your rhyme scheme. Not that it matters to me. I like it. It's different, modern and unusually awesome, but then you get those people that think it should be perfect. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But in the end, they allowed me to write like that, I don't know what the issue was but that's another story. Just play safe for now. You're new and everyone likes new. hehehehehe