//Author's note//: Yes, I know it is long, but that is what a book is? Right? Please point out my grammar mistakes I really really really need help!
Jaden sat on the park bench; letting the cold air run through his charcoal colored hair. Storm clouds served as a blanket in Houston, Texas. Thundered boomed and lightning flashed in the dark perilous clouds. Sprinkles of rain oftenly wondered it's way to the ground; he let his bangs fall infront of his eyes, and rested his elbows on his knees while watching the leaves rapidly blow across the park.
There was a blinding flash and a earbusting crackle of lightning; signaling the rain. The rain beat down on the ground, the 30 degree winds blew, and the leaves circled around the park. Jaden sighed and looked up at the dark sky; he let the bitter cold rain beat against his face, and the wind blow tiny bits of leaves towards him.
"Hunger, is that all I feel?" He touched the tiny fang in his mouth. It pricked his skin; a tiny remnant of blood trickled down his finger and onto his tongue. He savored the taste.
"I wonder what her's taste like..". He shook his head and grasped it with his hands.
"Jaden?" A voice said.
Jaden looked up. A young girl with long silky light brown hair, stuck to her face, a rain soaked black shirt, and muddy boots looked at him. She ran over to the boy and asked, " Jaden why are lyou sitting out in the rain?"
"Why are you walking in the rain?" he asked.
"Hey," she spatted, "Don't turn this around, I got caught in th-"
Jaden took off his sweater and drapped it over her body. He zipped it up, and put the hood over her head.
"Jaden-"
"It's to cold for you to be without a jacket in this rain."
"What about you?"
"I have a long sleeve." He started to walk down the sidewalk, but May grabbed his hand and turned him around.
"Jaden, you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah," he lied. He walked ahead.
"Is it because tomarrow?"
He stopped, but didn't look back.
"It is.." she grabbed his hand again, "Jaden, it's okay,"
A strong wind blew her scent towards him.
"Her scent; it's delicous." He turned around, and touched her cheek with his palm. May looked at his sadden eyes.
"I wish I could help cheer him up... " There was a crackle of thunder in the clouds and it began to rain harder.
"Come on, we are not that far from house." He said as he pulled her along the path.
"Sir, you think it is safe to let Jaden stay a hunter?"
"Gomez, don't make me reconsider making you chief, you should know Jaden and his family were a great asset."
The man bowed his head down and apologized.
"My apologies Mr.Sutton," The President said.
Sutton nodded; he took a seat infront of the president.
"How is young Jaden?"
"Fine, but he still will not except the subliment blood."
"That his choice, but he does understand that if he does not feed-"
"Yes, Mr.President..." Sutton sighed, "He still plans on going after the person who killed his family."
"I know and I will allow him."
"But if he is not taking the supplement-"
"Sutton, I asure you everything will be alright." the man said, "But I suggest he take a rest tonight."
Sutton nodded.
The two teenagers stepped into the house.
"Oh, Jaden, May ," a man greeted them.
"Sutton," Jaden sighed.
"Sutton is when I am on patrol or a teacher, but at home it is father-"
"I say Sutton," Jaden snarled; Sutton sighed.
"Jaden, the President relieved you of patrol tonight, May and I will go." Sutton said as he took his drench coat off, "You kids change, you are soaking wet."
May and Jaden trudged up to their rooms. Jaden sighed and threw himself on the bed.
"Her scent...". He folded his arm over his eyes.
May changed into a fresh shirt and sweat pants and looked at her reflection.
"Already been four years... Leo would know how to cheer him up."
She walked out her room and down the hall. She stopped infront of Jaden's room; he still didn't change instead he fell asleep on his bed. The hunter's neckalace lay on his chest. She looked at her own, unlike Jaden's her's was silver. It had four diamonds and a four point-star inside a circle. May 's was just a simple symbol of the hunters; Jaden's was the same except the diamonds were made of melted pearls, the star was pure silver, and the outline of the diamonds and cirlce were pure gold. It was symbolized the heir of the hunters.
Jaden cried as he watched his mother and father be slaughtered. The malicious monster walked towards his nine year old sister.
"Jaden, you are your sister's protector, you must always protect her..." his father's voice echoed in his thoughts. Jaden dashed infront of his sister; the man shoved him aside. He raised his claws......
Sutton touched his the boy's shoulder, "It's okay."
"No, I was supposed to protect her!" the fourteen year old yelled.
Sutton hugged his god son.
Jaden opened his eyes; the sun shone through his window. He shielded his eyes and stumbled off his bed to close the curtain.
"Jaden, you okay?"
He yawned and turned around towards the door.
"May ," he said dumbfoundedly, "Yeah." He stumbled back to his bed, and looked at his clock.
"It's only been an hour since you feel asleep." Jaden sneezed quietly.
"You got a cold." she giggled
"How do you find that funny?" he chuckled.
"You are still damp....you should change.." She walked down the stairs.
Jaden grabbed some cargo pants and a grey long sleeve shirt; he threw his wet clothes into a basket. He slowly walked down the stairs and into the livingroom. On the livingroom sofa, May slept. Her earbuds blasted Metal music, she faced the television, and Jaden's jacket was drapped over body. Jaden grabbed his ipod from the coffee table, and turned it on. He sat on the recliner,searched through his playlist, and distracted himself from the hypnotizing scent wavering in the room. He chose the song, Candlelit Dinner with Inamorta by Asking Alexandria, he turned the volume as loud as it would go.
"IF THIS ISN'T OVER, BABY DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY."
May 's heartbeat covered the music; Jaden grasped his the arm of the chair.
"SHE TAKES A MOMENT TO STUMBLE TO FEET..."
Her scent taunted Jaden; he tried to concentrate on the song, but her heartbeat pounded in his head. He shot up and jolted towards the kitchen; he grasped onto the counter. His throat yearn for the taste of her blood; he covered his mouth with one hand, and grasped his throat with the other.
Sutton walked into the kitchen; his god son leaned his head against the cabinet. Jaden looked at Sutton, his eyes were pools of black. He sat on the floor; one hand grasped his throat and the other scrapped the tiles. He grabbed Jaden's arm and yanked him up the stairs and into Jaden's room. Sutton quickly went to his room across the hallway; Jaden grasped his head. When Sutton returned, he closed the door.
"Jaden, you need to drink the supplement," Sutton said. He shook his head. Sutton grabbed his son's chin and lifted it.
"I'm not becoming the monster that killed my family," Jaden growled.
"If you don't drink the damn blood you will become worse than the vampire that killed your family."
Jaden snapped his head the other way; Sutton sighed.
"I'm gonna put it in terms you will understand," Sutton said, "If you don't drink the supplement, you're might hurt the one you love."
Jaden clenched his fist, "I have my own way of fighting this."
"Sleeping it off?"
May walked groggily to the kitchen; she yawned and stretched out her arms. She grabbed a cup from the cupboard and filled it with cold water.
"I wonder if Jaden went back to sleep?"
Sutton trudged down the stairs and sighed.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she looked at the container of fake blood.
"Oh, nothing the president has me running arrands." He looked out the window, "Looks like another storm is coming..."
Hey! Em here with the review I promised.
Spelling and Grammar:
“Thundered boomed and lightning flashed in the dark perilous clouds,” ‘Thundered’ should be ‘thunder’, because that makes more sense.
“Sprinkles of rain oftenly wondered it’s way to the ground; he let his bangs fall infront of his eyes, and rested his elbows on his knees while watching the leaves rapidly blow across the park.” ‘Oftenly’ should be ‘often’. ‘infront’ should be two words, ‘in front’. ‘It’s’ should be ‘its’, as ‘it’s’ is saying it is, and ‘its’ means it owns it. I also thought that ‘bangs’ should be ‘bags,’ but I’m probably wrong. ‘Bangs’ didn’t make sense to me.
‘There was a blinding flash and a earbusting crackle of lightning; signaling the rain.’ ‘a’ should be ‘an’ as you use ‘an’ before words starting with a vowel. ‘earbusting’ is two words:
‘ear busting’. ‘signaling’ is spelt ‘signalling’.
‘He savored the taste.’ ‘savored’ is spelt, ‘savoured’.
Instead of using italics and these quotation marks : “” for thoughts, people often use these quotation marks for thoughts: ‘’ or they use no quotation marks and just italics.
‘"I wonder what her’s taste like..". ‘her’s’ doesn’t need the apostrophe, so it should be ‘hers’. Also, the quotation mark should come after the full stop.
‘" Jaden why are lyou sitting out in the rain?"’ There should be no space inbetween the quotation mark and ‘Jaden’. ‘lyou’ should be ‘you’.
‘Jaden took off his sweater and drapped it over her body.’ ‘drapped’ should be ‘draped’. Also I found it odd that it’s a sweater, the way you described it: hoody, zip, it sounds like a jacket to me.
‘"It's to cold for you to be without a jacket in this rain."’ ‘to’ should be ‘too’ as ‘too’ means also, or, in your case, over the normal limits, as in: ‘that cat is too fat’.
‘He started to walk down the sidewalk, but May grabbed his hand and turned him around.’ You have an extra space in between ‘May’ and ‘grabbed’.
‘"Is it because tomarrow?"’ ‘tomarrow’ should be spelt ‘tomorrow’.
‘"Her scent; it's delicous."’ ‘delicous’ is spelt ‘delicious’.
‘May looked at his sadden eyes’. There is an extra space in between ‘May’ and ‘looked’. ‘sadden’ should be ‘saddened’ I think, sadden may work, not exactly sure.
‘"I wish I could help cheer him up... “’ You have a space in between the dot dot dot and the quotation mark.
‘"Come on, we are not that far from house." He said as he pulled her along the path.’ Unless you intentionally forgot it, there should be a ‘the’ in front of ‘house’. And since you are referring to what he said when you wrote ‘He said,’ what you can do, is you can put a comma instead of a full stop, and make the ‘He’ ‘he’ so the sentences are linked: ‘”Come on, we are not that far from the house,” he said…’
‘"My apologies Mr.Sutton," The President said. ‘Mr.Sutton’ should be ‘Mr Sutton’. I’m not sure about this, but I think that ‘the’ doesn’t need to be capitalized, don’t take my word though.
‘Sutton nodded; he took a seat infront of the president.’ You probably don’t need these ; in this sentence, and ‘infront’ is two words, ‘in front’.
‘"Fine, but he still will not except the subliment blood."’ ‘except’ should be ‘accept’ and I think ‘subliment’ should be ‘sublimate’.
‘"That his choice, but he does understand that if he does not feed-" ‘That’ should be ‘that’s’ as in ‘that is’
‘"Yes, Mr.President..." Sutton sighed, "He still plans on going after the person who killed his family."’ ‘Mr.President’ should be ‘Mr President’.
‘"Sutton, I asure you everything will be alright." the man said, "But I suggest he take a rest tonight."’ ‘Asure’ should be ‘assure’. I also thought, now this is just a suggestion, you made no mistake here, that you should take out the ‘a’ in the ‘But I suggest he take a rest tonight’ just because I thought it would sounds more adult like. That is totally just my opinion, I can’t guarantee that it sounds more like adults talking because I am horri12ble at adult speech.
‘"Oh, Jaden, May ," a man greeted them.’ There is an extra space in between the ‘May’ and the comma.
‘"Jaden, the President relieved you of patrol tonight, May and I will go."’ Again, you have an extra space in between the ‘May’ and ‘and’.
‘Sutton said as he took his drench coat off, "You kids change, you are soaking wet."’ ‘drench’ should be ‘drenched’.
‘"Her scent...". He folded his arm over his eyes.’ You have an unnecessary comma after the quotation mark.
‘May changed into a fresh shirt and sweat pants and looked at her reflection.’ There is an extra space in between ‘May’ and ‘changed’.
‘She stopped infront of Jaden's room; he still didn't change instead he fell asleep on his bed.’ Again, ‘infront’ is two words. After ‘change’ I think there should be a comma.
‘The hunter's neckalace lay on his chest.’ ‘neckalace’ is spelt ‘necklace’.
‘She looked at her own, unlike Jaden's her's was silver.’ ‘her’s’ should be ‘hers’.
‘May 's was just a simple symbol of the hunters; Jaden's was the same except the diamonds were made of melted pearls, the star was pure silver, and the outline of the diamonds and cirlce were pure gold.’ Firstly, you have a space in ‘May ‘s’ in between the ‘y’ and apostrophe. ‘cirlce’ should be ‘circle’.
‘It was symbolized the heir of the hunters.’ I don’t think you need the ‘was’ is needed in this sentence.
‘Jaden dashed infront of his sister; the man shoved him aside’ once again’ ‘infront’ is two words. Not sure if the apostrophe after ‘aside’’ is necessary.
‘Sutton touched his the boy's shoulder, "It's okay."’ Now, either ‘his’ or ‘the’ needs to go, both of them being there doesn’t make sense.
‘"May ," he said dumbfoundedly, "Yeah."’ You have a space ‘May ,’ in between the ‘May’ and comma. ‘dumbfoundedly’ is actually spelt ‘dumbfounded’.
‘"It's only been an hour since you feel asleep."’ I think instead if ‘feel,’ you meant ‘fell’.
‘"You are still damp....you should change.."’ You have an extra in between the ‘change’ and full stop.
‘He slowly walked down the stairs and into the livingroom.’ ‘livingroom’ is two words ‘living room’.
‘On the livingroom sofa, May slept.’ Again, living room is two words. There is an extra space in between ‘May’ and ‘slept’.
‘Her earbuds blasted Metal music, she faced the television, and Jaden's jacket was drapped over body.’ ‘earbuds’ is two words, but I think you meant ‘head phones’ because ear buds are the things you use to clean your ears. ‘drapped’ is spelt ‘draped’.
And I think you meant to have ‘her’ in between ‘over’ and ‘body’.
‘He sat on the recliner,searched through his playlist, and distracted himself from the hypnotizing scent wavering in the room.’ You don’t have a space after the comma in ‘recliner,searched’.
‘Jaden grabbed his ipod from the coffee table, and turned it on.’ ‘ipod’ has a capital p ‘iPod’.
‘May 's heartbeat covered the music; Jaden grasped his the arm of the chair.’ You have a space in between ‘May’ and the apostrophe that is not necessary. And you also have to get rid of either ‘his’ or ‘the’ because you can’t have them both.
‘His throat yearn for the taste of her blood; he covered his mouth with one hand, and grasped his throat with the other.’ ‘yearn’ should be ‘yearned’.
‘"I'm gonna put it in terms you will understand," Sutton said, "If you don't drink the supplement, you're might hurt the one you love."’ Now, I can’t exactly imagine Sutton saying ‘gonna’ instead of ‘going to’ because he is an adult, and it doesn’t suit his personality in my eyes. ‘you’re’ should be ‘you’.
‘May walked groggily to the kitchen; she yawned and stretched out her arms.’ There is an extra space in between ‘May’ and ‘walked’.
‘"Oh, nothing the president has me running arrands."’ ‘arrands’ is spelt ‘errands’.
Since you had quite a few errors in spelling and grammar, I suggest you type your stories into Microsoft word so you can check your spelling and grammar, and then copy and paste it into YWS.
Now for what I thought:
I really liked your imagery at the beginning of this story. I get the image that Jaden has only recently been turned into a vampire. I suggest you give more imagery of the house or mansion, whatever it is, they live in. Also, we don’t know what Jaden looks like.
May seems like a sweet and caring person, but I get the impression that she has a really powerful secret that the reader is yet to learn. Jaden is stubborn, since he won’t drink the supplement, I also see him as pretty cool. He also seems to have a bit of vengeance set in his heart. Sutton seems, in a way, like he would talk like a butler, or a British person? Not sure if you intended for me to get that impression. Anyway, he sounds like a pretty cool god father.
As for your storyline, something pretty exiting is brewing. I get the idea that this story is going to be full of blood and action, because the theme seems to be vengeance.
The bold section confused me. It was like two things were happening at once. I get that Jaden was having a flashback or something, but one moment he’s protecting his sister, and the next he’s safe with Sutton, I think you need a space in between those two bits.
A lot of little things happen in this story. And it ends quite suddenly. I don’t understand what the point of the last little bit was: the bit about another storm is. I think this chapter is for getting familiar with the characters. That’s great.
You could write a prologue. For me, a prologue is like a hook, and the chapters the fishing string. You have to wind us readers into the climax. As the string gets shorter and shorter, and we get higher and closer to the fishing rod, the book gets more exiting, if that makes sense.
Great job on your story!
Anyway, I can’t think of anything else to add. Hope this helped, from Em.
(If you have any questions or want another review just PM me.)