I am glad that you´re OK. At the same time, I wonder what I did wrong that you lied to your aunt and me for no reason at all and turned your back on Regenschloss. What has got into you?
You didn't do anything. You were never at home and you didn't raise me!
I'm your father, Claire!
Are you saying I have to submit to what you tell me to do? What if I don't want to do that? What if I don't like the private school? What if I do what I like? Why do you think I escaped from Regenschloss! I am the way I am because of you! It's all your fault! And why, because you never did anything for me, because you were never there for me!
The walk from her father's office to the underground gave her time to adjust her piece. She put everything together in her head. Ernst's greeting was ignored, the floor was marvelled at. Without regard for others, she used the lift alone. Locked the entrance door behind her and moved further and further away from this place. She didn't dare look behind to see if he could watch from the window. Clutching the key tightly in her hand, she wanted to throw it at someone's head, crying. The main thing was that someone had to suffer pain who was not her.
If only I had opened my mouth!
What's the point if he's in the driver's seat? No matter how many times you fight, you are the one who has to do what others say.
I have no one above me. No one asks about my interests! Should I do everything others tell me in my entire life?
You are still a child and children do what parents tell them to do.
No! Father does not have the right. I am eighteen.
That's not an argument. He is your father.
Did he teach me anything at any time? Did he take an interest in me, ask what I liked to do? No! He was only interested in my school grades! Not for me! He talked to my aunt ABOUT me, not to me. He didn't bother to QUESTION ME. He immediately assumed it was for the best.
He didn't give a damn about you, so what? Maybe he wants to make up for it now! Maybe he's realised what he did wrong. Think about it, maybe you're too full of yourself! He is YOUR father!
But I am me!
He regrets not being with you all these years and now wants to make it up to you!
I can't buy anything with that! I can't make a living out of it!
You never think about him! Only about you!
What's wrong with that?
When you worry your head for others, you seem more cheerful.
Who is looking after me? No one! Not my father, not my aunt, and no friends either! So why should I submit to the will of others and take them into account?
Claire was not on her way home to Daphne or to father's house. She was on the train, fleeing. Somewhere, far away, so as not to be with someone right away.
She was able to disappear in the underground. No one paid any attention to her. The stations passed her by, the passengers and the inspector as well.
Island Branch Bridge. North Road. Aviation Square.
You should be angry at yourself. Not at your father. He wants to catch you.
He wants me to have a regular life alongside a man. He just wants me not to start making something of myself.
Because he is convinced that if you don't achieve it, you will be devastated.
What does he know about it?
You know it. You always lower your expectations so as not to be disappointed. You are always quiet so as not to be attacked. You are always lazy. So, nothing can ever get broken because you do something.
What's wrong with avoiding the negative?
You can't always be happy. You have to be able to accept disappointments in life. Are you happy?
No, you're not.
Flora Vineta Street. Warriors' Square. Ring Road (South Ring).
Now you have to move in with your father. What are you afraid of? Because he forced you to go to school tomorrow? No, he didn't force you. He said so. What are words? He can't control you.
I'm afraid... afraid he'll force me. He gave me the key.
You are afraid of change. You are afraid of other people; you are afraid of everyone. Why don't you say anything to your father? Only Emma at all? Because you are afraid that someone might tell you that you are wrong.
I am not wrong.
You can't be wrong if you never do anything right.
My father... he wants me to do something I don't like. I don't want to go down that road.
You don't want to be a cook either like you told Auntie. You want to live a life as you did in childhood. A quiet, monotonous, shadowy existence without problems and duties.
Doesn't everyone want that?
No. We want to grow and learn. But you are afraid of it. You're afraid that you might enjoy it. That the thing your father has chosen for you will bring you joy.
No, that is not true!
What are you resisting? Don't you want it? This satisfaction? You never showed any joy around the family. You were always the quiet, prissy puppet. Like a porcelain doll, you never made an expression.
Because everyone doesn't like me. Father doesn't care about me because he can't use me...?
Eucharius Dam. Springer Street. Mariendorf (chapel).
First, learn to open up your feelings. Daphne has helped you with that. Then you can understand everyone better, including your father.
He is not to be understood.
He is like you.
He is not like me. He is him and I am me.
You are his flesh, his offspring.
Does that mean he was like that? Like me?
Think about it, Claire! He's your father. He has three children, your brother, and your sister. Both are grown-up, both have their lives, you don't yet. Think about him for once! He lost your mother - his wife - when you were born. And now he wants to do everything to make you the wife he no longer had after his death.
He doesn't want that. He wants to control me.
You are so stubborn. You don't want to let anyone get close to you. That's what destroys you.
Then I'll go to pieces on it.
Kernter Square. Mary´s Tower, Terminus.
Mary´s Tower, namesake of the village stood at the south end of the community. Claire was far outside the city limits of Berlyne. Greater Berlyne stretched beyond the woods there. She didn't want to go back. She was embarrassed to get on the same train right away and continued on foot.
She could not shed tears, no matter how much she wanted to. She tried several times but there were too many people on the streets. Rejecting, she followed the viaduct. This way she couldn't get lost and transfer her anger to her legs. The fresh air made her hair move; the inner conflict did not end.
Claire deliberately slapped her thighs when no one was looking to finally feel anger and sadness. Instead, her fists and legs hurt. She couldn't make it up, soon the first bruises appeared. She would have liked to bite her arm as hard as she could to see blood.
There was a second line at Kernter Square. As far as she could trust her mind, it was the same line as the one outside her front door in the Boar arcades.
The station, built in Art Nouveau style, had a small kiosk. She couldn't buy anything without money. The first train pulled in. She remained seated; she didn't want to go back. She couldn't go to Daphne. First, she needed time for herself. She wanted to destroy this uneasy feeling.
The second lane was empty.
A conductor used his punch pliers. The ticket received one more hole. The train made a very sweeping curve towards the west. The train bypassed the Lakeland of Südthal by a few hundred feet.
Südthal was her father's home. Claire saw how far he lived from the proper town. The key was in her hand, she couldn't throw it away or use it. She knew she couldn't manage to wait at his house. Benedikt suspected as much. He was not supposed to meet anyone in the evening.
A foul-smelling man with shaggy white hair sat down in the empty car. Her anxiety sank, then rose, when he spoke up.
"The world is beautiful when you're a pig..." he grunted, "rubbish, dirt, ashes, it's all together..."
She got off the train at a station with an interchange, after reluctance and arguing with herself. The homeless man kept singing his ditties about the boozy life and asking the invisible guests to dance along.
Line III. Have I ridden it yet?
You can take the next, so you don't have to change trains.
Then people think what a strange person I am.
I don't see anyone on the platform.
Line III took her across the city centre, into the eastern communities of Kreuzthal and Diastole. Claire followed the conversation of a girl, eleven or twelve, as she sat down on the bench with two older ladies. The girl liked to sit by the window and her wish was granted by both of them. Even when she joked that one of the two old ladies had a dirty window, they affirmed her observation and smiled. Claire did not understand.
Sometime after half an hour, she was at the zoo.
On foot, she made her way to Boar arcades. It had been a long time since she had seen Daphne. She had slept in the morning. She would wait for Claire, she had promised her last night.
She could no longer pretend that nothing had happened.
Claire had two options: Continue her life inhibited and panicked, go to school tomorrow, and face her father. Or she avoided school, showed will, and went to him with her head held high. In the end, it came down to the same thing; there had to be a second confrontation where she could finally open her mouth.
Wasn't he the reason for all the problems since Regenschloss? The story with Léonard? Kapellengarten? The escape from Sehlingen? Edward-Lloyd-Newman city? After all, it was his fault. The circle had come full circle with her mother.
Among the passers-by, the thought occurred to her that Léonard might not be wrong. Father had never spoken about it. His occult hobby after death underlined the statement. She could provoke him with that. Reporting him to the HePo was a thought of her.
The Boar arcades were getting closer. Strenght went to her, when Claire thought of Daphne and her power.
She calmed her conscience. Tomorrow was going to be like last week. She wanted to go back to Daphne and have fun. She was her retreat, a patron who gave her protection and shelter, a source of inspiration.
And see that she gets that apprenticeship. If this Haarmann was above father, there was no reason to object, even if it was this man, she met at Léonard´s birthday. Relationships didn´t count at work. A happy ending and overthrown father made the young Silberlilie smile.
And then, on that day when she was to see him again, she knew now that she wanted to confront him. With everything, she needed to know. The voice in her head could keep coming back with "Think about your father, how does he feel?”
The hatred shaped her happily. This superiority made her proud. No matter how she turned it now, what the voice in her head said, it was always his fault and no one else's. Why should Claire now slip away and obey? He had never thought of her and she was now doing the same.
It was now her turn.