Young Writers Society

@InuYosha

Thank you for your review!

This little chapter beginning should be a little confusing, where the reader should assume a little bit that Emma is back with Martha, but we also get a preview here that Emma is now back in Rain Castle and meeting Claire. Claire is the main character of the story. Since I am currently working on my final draft, chapter 1 and chapter 2 will no longer be present here, but the story begins with this part here and we gradually learn what happened between Léonard de Waarfay and Emma. Oh yes, and Claire is also a little, let's call it "envious" of other people who experience more than she does and sometimes wishes other people had to suffer the way she thinks - to suffer.

hey there

:]

In the process, he meets the great-granddaughter of the murdered man, Emma Malven.

A pause arose.

One did not have to be religious or spiritual to understand that the mountain and its landscape were a blessing for the inhabitants.

She liked to listen to her often and with pleasure.

Since she was sitting next to her, nothing bad could have happened.

Next to Martha, Emma could call Claire a true friend.

She found it hard to feel positive about others when they were doing better and almost wished something had happened to Emma.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Ahh...so we finally see a reaction to that story/ flashback by Emma, but then we have a mysterious switching of friends there, I think you need to open with a bit more context here, cause it took me like half of this part to realize Emma has kind of gone to another place in another and is talking to another friend on a different walk and is having this friend react in a potentially similar way to how Martha reacted judging by some of Emma's thoughts.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A pause arose.

They couldn't really concentrate on continuing. Emma had struggled for words for too long. It was exhausting for her to concentrate on every detail.

If I ever write one of these names wrong...sorry...when you follow too many stories at once, it blends together. Most of these names stand out enough that I remember but the more common ones like Emma or Martha, I might forget

The birds were chirping around them, the wind was blowing, and, in the distance, a tiny cargo train could be heard coming out of the forest. It was chilly, despite the coming summer. At this time of year, lizards could already be seen wandering between rocks and crevices, but now they were still hidden, giving way to a few falling pebbles.

It was a wonderful moment to be able to look down from far above. The path was uneven and narrow. The footpaths were a natural asset for Regenschloss. Ahead of them was the precipice with a view over the city. Two hundred feet behind them rose a ruined castle from the Long War of the four Domain families. Those who managed to get here were rewarded with this panorama. Those who breathed in from up there were the luckiest.

Everything seemed like a miniature view, a painting with an atmosphere of infinite freedom sparked by the compressed streets with their everyday life. One was closer to the golden eagle, to the history of the city and also to oneself. One did not have to be religious or spiritual to understand that the mountain and its landscape were a blessing for the inhabitants.

Emma had finished her story.

In her friend's mind, everything revolved around Léonard once again. She liked to listen to her often and with pleasure. More than revealing herself. The action brought excitement and a raised pulse. How could she be so stupid as to trust a strange man? At the same time, would she have done the same?

Since she was sitting next to her, nothing bad could have happened. Tense but without a curious expression, she wished Emma would continue.

Immediately after Emma´s return to Regenschloss, she was standing in front of the house door. Then her friend knew immediately that something had happened. Like when Emma had insulted the HePo without realising that the man could still hear her. It was lucky that he was called back by a colleague, otherwise, she would now be a traitor to the country. Claire glanced at her friend as she remembered this incident. Did Emma think about it regularly like she did? Emma, meanwhile, was just thinking about Martha and Claire and how nice it would be if they could meet.

Next to Martha, Emma could call Claire a true friend.

Yet Emma did not see two people in either of them. They were the same person, only in disguise, she imagined. It was hard for her to imagine that there were two people in the world whose characters could be so similar. Secretly, she wanted to know if other people could have this feeling with two different people. Of course, she had never told either of them so as not to suddenly be called crazy. Nevertheless, she was convinced that Martha and Claire were the same people.

Claire was worried about how careless her friend could be. On the other hand, she was a little envious. For her, there were hardly any opportunities to leave Regenschloss. Maybe it was because she was taking it easy and wanted to plan her activities in advance.

Claire was particularly good at planning but her plans were usually thwarted by herself or others. Especially during the summer holidays, it happened that she slept half the morning away because her aunt didn't wake her up.

Since the community of Regenschloss was literally in No Man's Land, there were not many opportunities to visit other places. They were far away, so trips took several days. Sure, Claire had already been out of town when she travelled to Sagauvela City or Malachthyst, a (in her opinion) beautiful and interesting coastal town on Wyvern Lake. She lacked the necessary courage to travel alone, as well as money. She was a bit buttoned-up, not daring to be more open to new things.

Emma waited with a smirk for a panicked answer. She had to be patient for a while. Regardless of this, she took the lead without further ado.

"What do you think of my story?"

"I didn't hear the end of it."

Emma grinned.

"This is coming."

"Shall we walk a little further?" asked Claire.

She stood up and looked around. Only a few people walked past them. They were locals. There had been less tourist traffic to Regenschloss in recent months. The war had made travelling almost impossible. People were so busy listening to the news that they slowly forgot the concept of leisure. It was a miracle that Emma was still allowed to travel to see her grandfather. She had to apply for three weeks in advance.

By now they felt how cold it was in the shade. The emerging sun gave them new energy and strength for the way back. A little later it hid behind the snow-white clouds again.

"I find this Léonard strange," Claire replied.

"He's very nice," Emma interjected.

"I don't know him. Where does he come from?"

She stared at the floor.

"I don't know."

Claire sighed.

"This doesn't just sound mysterious - it sounds dangerous! “

"He is not dangerous! Just because he is said to be the grandson of a murderer, they condemn him immediately! “

"That's not what I mean."

"What then?"

"He rings at your doorbell and talks openly about a murder! Don't you think he's up to more than just talking? And you're still stupid enough to go with him! “

"I know what you're getting at. We were just talking! Nothing more."

"I'm telling you to take care of yourself. I am reassured that you have come back safe and sound."

"You see? Nothing happened."

"I don't know what I would have done... you shouldn't have done that. “

"I voluntarily decided to talk to him. It's as if the voice in my head told me to go along."

Claire laughed.

"You're crazy."

"No! Of course not!" she spoke indignantly. "I don't hear voices. I just meant..."

"I know what you mean," Claire spoke. "Honestly now, there's a catch to this story."

"I want to continue the story now. Look, there's already the next bench."

"Already? You know how quickly I get cold. Let's go a little further."

Emma did not resist, as she finally wanted to get on with the story.

So, the journey continued serenely, past the next bench and the one after that, until they could hear the bustle of the city nearby. The miniature landscape became reality. Smoke from a locomotive polluted the fresh air for a short while.

During the talk-shy minutes, Claire had to realise that she had not yet achieved that much in her life. Emma fell from one endeavour to the next. She was ashamed of the mental envy. She found it hard to feel positive about others when they were doing better and almost wished something had happened to Emma.

Hey!! Forever here with a review!

This beginning of this chapter was a bit confusing. I think it's better to talk about Claire a little earlier. That can make the whole chapter a bit clearer. Like after I read the whole story, I had to re-read tje beginning and then it became clear to me what the case actually was. When you mentioned about "the friend", I thought that was surely Martha. Then Claire confused me and then at last it became clear.

The change of the scene from the first chapter to this chapter was not what can be called excellent. That felt like a sudden jump. Apart from that, this part was quite good, especially the setting. I really liked how you describe each and every placw with the minor to major details that give the readers a lively image of the place. As for the Worldbuilding, I am quite interested about the war going on and its effects. I wonder about the no man's land. It is quite interesting.

The title of the chapter is quite interesting. It would bw too early to guess who the intruder is but still it can be Claire. She is an important character, I think judging from the fact she places both Clairw and Martha in the same place. Claire seems to be very suspicious of Leonard. That's not a very good point. Makes me suspect her. I don't know, that's kind of stupid from my side. She appears to be protective of Emma but well, I am seriously without any idea, she doesn't appear to be a very good person.

That brings an end to this review

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Hey there! Otterpop here with a quick review!

As often as you tend to review my works, I noticed this has been sitting in the Green Room for a while and thought......let's get it out of there!

So I did immediately notice something while reading through the first few paragraphs, and that's the frequent use of the words "was" and "were". Some writers may or may not agree, but I have received plenty of training and advice to stray away from those words as often as I can. Not that they are not allowed! Other than dialogue, I try to use those particular words as infrequently as possible because it can sometimes take away from the rest of the words and sentences. Using them less also forces you to become a bit more creative with exposition and action, which if you're a good writer, is not terribly difficult of a task. Again, some writers may agree or disagree, but that's just my opinion on it.

I do see a couple points early on where it the flow of storytelling is a little off, and some of the phrasing does come across as a little wonky, but I do see that Plume did mention something similar already.

Not sure if you know but one good rule of thumb is that if you say a character's name and then say she or her then the reader knows it refers to that character. But if you say a character name, say she or her but are referring to a different character, that can get confusing.

Emma had finished her story.
In her friend's mind, everything revolved around Léonard once again. She liked to listen to her often and with pleasure. More than revealing herself. The action brought excitement and a raised pulse. How could she be so stupid as to trust a strange man? At the same time, would she have done the same?
Since she was sitting next to her, nothing bad could have happened. Tense but without a curious expression, she wished Emma would continue.

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I think this is the next part of your reworked story, if I'm not mistaken? It's not labeled as "reworked" but I couldn't find the reworked parts of this, so I assume it's the next one. Anyways: onto the review!

I think this section was great! I really enjoyed much of the description in it; you have such a knack for describing things with using such interesting language that makes it nearly never boring. I feel like I want to read every word of your story, rather than just hitting on the main points.

One thing I really liked about this would have to be your writing voice and style. I'm not sure if I've ever commented on that before, but it's really very nice. It's so unique, a bit formal, but also just so engaging and beautiful. I think it really comes through nicely in your descriptions. One notable example in this was when you said "Those who managed to get here were rewarded with this panorama. Those who breathed in from up there were the luckiest." Something about that sentence just encapsulated the view so nicely without even describing what it looked like. It was so simplistic, and yet so powerful. Nice work!!

One thing I did wonder about was the flow of events. I thought that there were some points where it got a little confusing, especially continuing from the last chapter. It seems now that we're with Claire rather than Martha, which was slightly jarring for me as a reader to read. There were also big chunks of exposition at certain parts in the story. I feel like you could weave them throughout the story. You should have a reason to put it in the story. Like when you have all the character stuff about Claire, such as the similarities between her and Martha, maybe have Claire say something very similar to what Martha would say, and then you can go and elaborate on it.

Specifics

In her friend's mind, everything revolved around Léonard once again.