„In the Abyss of Solitude"

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this was quite the horrifying little dive into the thoughts of this person here. Looks like things really were starting to get worse and steadily we dive into worse and worse thoughts. Powerful little piece here.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

I took a deep breath, then another, until my lungs slowly filled with icy air, yet the knot in my throat remained unyielding. A desperate cough escaped me, and I sank, trembling and crying, onto the cold floor. Trapped in a Storm of cruel thoughts, I curled up and wrapped my arms tightly around my knees. Small and huddled, I lay there in my room, which was suffused with darkness and melancholy. The room mirrored my inner state, reflecting the turmoil in my mind, a place of unrest where thoughts swirled in chaotic whirl.

A powerful little start here, looks like we're dealing with someone trapped in quite the horrifying situation and that too a sort of prison in her own mind. Well this is quite the start. Let's see where it takes us.

I thought of everything all at once, yet my mind seemed to dissolve into a fog of nothingness. Negative emotions pelted down on me like relentless raindrops, while at the same time, an deep emptiness spread within me. The loneliness, like a cold frost layer encasing my chest, froze my breath but gave me a strange sense of calm amidst the solitude. Tears streamed endlessly from my eyes, and I sobbed in loud, pitiless sounds until I nearly drowned in a ocean of my own tears.

Oh boy well this is going further and further downhill the further that we proceed here. This definitely makes for a very dark look into this person's thoughts here. Loving the tension that's being built so far.

Desperation drove me to close my eyes, hoping that sleep might liberate me from this ceaseless misery. Yet, the thoughts grew louder, their voices shouting at me, challenging me, accusing me of being worthless. As I was swallowed in this emotional chaos, I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, as if by this act of will I could banish the pain.

The last thing I felt was the gradual decrease of my breath, sinking into a calm, exhausted rhythm. On the hard floor, I finally found sleep, in the bittersweet hope of never waking up again. I longed to find my peace, to no longer be a burden to others, and to finally discover the state of happiness that I so desperately sought.

Oh dear well that is quite the bittersweet ending there in the end. Going through all of that hardship and all of that difficulty and ultimately finding peace only in that endless sleep. Truly a heartbreaking end.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think you've done a wonderful job showcasing these horrifying thoughts flowing through and in the end the wish for some sort of release that the protagonist gets.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate

Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. First off I want to say welcome to yws please don't be afraid to ask any questions. We don't bite for the most part. However with being said, let's get into it, shall we?


Overall found this an interesting piece. I think we have all had nights like this and I found it a very honest depiction of that type of attack. There was a lot of great atmosphere and emotion that came out clearly. I do feel bad for the pov character as the floor might not be too comfy.

The body language was amazing by the way. The opening painted a super vivid picture of what the mc going through and in turn what the readers will go through. I think you managed to pack such a punch in this piece which is a great first impression.

Now I'm going to move on to feedback. I promise there isn't too much to put in this part. I just want to say I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!

I want to point out that some of the lines can be a bit long. It's not that big of a deal but it is something you might want to keep an eye on. Even though I love the first line I do feel it's an example of this.

Other than that there is only one thing I want to point out.

The loneliness, like a cold frost layer encasing my chest

I love this line but I feel it could be rephrased since it is a tad off. Perhaps it could be something like this.

The loneliness, like a layer of cold frost encasing my chest

regardless I found this to be a well-done piece. Once again welcome to yws and I hope enjoy your time here. I cant wait to see what you come up with. Stay creative and drink water!

Hey Mai073! looseleaf here with a review!

First of all: WOW. I loved this! You are an absolutely fantastic writer, and this is one of the best short stories I have read in a long time. Even the title is amazing! I am so glad you decided to join YWS, and I hope to read a lot more of your works in the future. :)

I don't have many critiques, because the only real issues that I noticed was that you said "an deep emptiness" when it should be "a deep emptiness," and "swallowed in" instead of "swallowed by."

As I said, I adored this piece. It was exactly my cup of tea. I loved your imagery, especially in this line:

Desperation drove me to close my eyes, hoping that sleep might liberate me from this ceaseless misery. Yet, the thoughts grew louder, their voices shouting at me, challenging me, accusing me of being worthless.

How did you think of that? Incredible!

I like your repetition as well--it really loans itself to the lyrical nature of the story. Although you don't repeat specific lines multiple times, your themes are consistent; your use of several words multiple times really helps this as well. I particularly noticed this in your use of "desperation" and "chaos" and different forms of them three times throughout the piece.

In all, this is a great short story! You should definitely keep up writing, as I can only imagine how incredible your writing will get from here. I hope you have a marvelous day!