z

Young Writers Society



The Storm Snatchers #2

by Magyk


Chapter Two

Sweat trickled down Laynox’s face as he slept, submerged in a world of nightmares. His muscles tensed and quiet murmurs escaped his open mouth as he rolled about on his bed. His odd coloured eyes flashed open but were vacant and unseeing. The black holes of his pupils spread, filling his eyes with darkness. His hands gripped uncontrollably at the soft materials of his bed. Veins appeared on his arms and the back of his hands from the strength of his grip. His panting grew louder and quicker before suddenly stopping. Silence. The air was still. Unmoving. Silent. Laynox screamed, breaking the unbearable stillness. The scream was one of pain, not fear. Smaller, quieter screams leapt out of his mouth and his eyes began to water.

The door burst open and Akkarn charged in. “Laynox, are you alright? I heard you scream!” he blurted. “Oh no, not again, please! Not again!”

Laynox’s eyes had returned to normal. His panting fading. Hands holding his head, just on the temples. “I – I am really sorry. I couldn’t help it. I still can’t control – It just takes over me. It’s so painful, inside – Inside my head – The back of my eyes. It hurts. I can tell when it’s coming – Just can’t stop it,” Laynox blubbered, tears streaming down his face. “It feels like someone shoving a white hot poker in my eyes. It’s awful!”

Akkarn shivered. “I know Nox. I still get it sometimes. Not as bad as you. But I still get it, even though I can normally control it,” the concern in Akkarn’s voice made Laynox feel better in the knowledge that his brother cared. “What was it this time, Laynox?” Akkarn continued.

“I – I can’t explain it – It was all over the place, little flashes of things, quick views and faces. I saw – This is going to sound ridiculous – I saw mother and father. Mother was crying, and there was something at her feet, a big,” Laynox searched for the right word, “A big bundle. Father had a big cut down his face. I saw them both but I don’t think they were together. Then, I – I think there was a, an old man, with an axe, then the sea – A ship, I was on it. I have never seen myself in one before! I remember seeing you too, you were in the sky – Flying. How could you manage that?” It was a rhetorical question, “That’s all I can remem – No! A corridor, full of people, in a straight line – Just the back of their heads, like they were looking at something. And a bad smell, sour, no, rotten. Like death,” tears still poured from Laynox’s eyes, dripping from his chin.

Akkarn sat on the end of the bed, looking at his younger brother, and “What did the man look like, the old one, with the axe? Was he very skinny, and tall, black hair? Were there six different coloured gems on the axe?”

"Umm. . . Yes. There was. He was laughing, I just remembered, he was laughing,” Laynox had managed to calm himself down slightly since he had woken up. “Why? Who is he?”

“I don’t know who he is. I saw him a few weeks ago, in my sleep. I also saw you on a ship. When is this all going to happen?” It was another rhetorical question, but Laynox answered it.

“You know more about all of this than I do. All I know is that when I see things, they always come true. Just like Aleba being snatched today. I told you that about a month ago. I didn’t know when, I just knew it would happen.”

“Are you going to be able to get back to sleep? I know I won’t,” Akkarn asked.

“No.” Laynox peered out of the window. “It must be a few hours past noon. No wonder I am so hungry. With all of today’s troubles I had completely forgotten about food.”

In the light of the sun, Laynox’s tear filled eyes gleamed like a thousand blue and brown gems.

:!:

Please critique or comment, even if it is just to say how much you (dis)like it.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 174 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
368 Reviews


Points: 1125
Reviews: 368

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:55 pm
Shine says...



I definately liked the style too buddy!

A well done piece of work.....Keep writing!

And ofcourse don't forget to post them cuz we all love reading them.:)




User avatar
563 Reviews


Points: 13816
Reviews: 563

Donate
Fri Jun 01, 2007 8:48 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



Interesting. I still love your style - it's so beautiful and you have paid much attention to detail here, which makes me very happy. :wink:

Laynox and Akkarn are coming along, but I must say that this bit seemed a tad bit abrupt for being only the second chapter. This may just be me, but I would have liked to see more character development and less intense action near the beginning here. The idea of a dream, especially one foreshadowing the future, seems rather cliche, and I feel it would be more powerful if you gave the reader a better grasp on your characters before plunging into this cliche and risking losing some of them. Once your readers are hooked on your characters, that risk will be less and minor cliches like this will be less dangerous or obvious.

That was my main concern about this piece. I'm not worried about your writing style, but rather about the pace and intrigue in your story. Please at least consider this.

Besides, I only have one small nitpick:

His hands gripped uncontrollably at the soft materials of his bed.


The adverb uncontrollably makes this sentence very awkward.

Nice job here and keep writing. I look forward to reading your edits and the next section. PM me if you have any questions.





Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan