First poem I have ever written (outside of my English class)
For Sophie
******
If I was Superman
I’d want you as my Lois Lane.
If I was Spiderman
I’d want you as my Mary Jane.
But I’m no Superhero.
If I was Superman
I’d fly you into the sky.
If I was Spiderman
I’d carry you way up high.
But I’m no Superhero.
If I was Superman
I’d get there on the double.
If I was Spiderman
I’d help you when in trouble.
But I’m no Superhero.
I’m no Superman
And I don’t have wings.
I’m no Spiderman
So can’t do all those things.
But I can give you my heart,
My attention and my soul.
You often say some words
That make me feel whole.
I wanted you to know how I feel
And now I think you do.
This is the only way I could think
To say how much I like you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I liked the rhyme scheme, especially when it fits so well with your word choice; I thought it gave a sense of weightlessness in the first part, and in the second part, seemed heavy ("I'm no Superman...I'm no Spiderman").
Let me know if this review was helpful to you (so that if it's not, I don't keep writing un-helpful reviews). Good luck!
The third to last stanza was a little weak because you used so many qualifiers in such a short line: "You often say some words". It might flow better if you took out "often" or "some". In the second to last stanza as well, "I wanted you to know how I feel" seemed a little clumsy (like if someone tried to say the whole poem as fast as they could, they might trip on this line), I'd suggest changing "wanted" to "want" just to get rid of another syllabal, and depending on what you want it to mean, it keeps the sense of the poem current, like you still want someone to know how you feel (sorry, if I misinterpreted it).
But that's only my opinion, so take it as you will. Overall, I thought it was cute
-Amelia
I think this is great, i told you that today. & i know Sophie loved it.
DANANANANANANANANANANAN BATTTMMMANNNNN
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+ Superman has wings? :O
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Reminds me of a documentry on platypuses I watched once, where one platypus bit the other.
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Just thought I would say I put
"And I don't have wings"
because Superman can fly and I'm no Superman so can't fly. It's just doubling up the fact that I can't fly. I know Superman doesn't have wings.
Thank you all for your kind comments and a few kind words of advice. As I say though, it is the first poem I have written outside of my English Class.
Neither does Superman. Try balancing your ryhmes out more, and remember that the words themselves always, repeat always, take precedence over ryhming. Cheers,
Cameron
This is a really good poem. Just wanted to let ya kno that.
Towards the end you go
i don't think you should repeat it again... i think it would sound better if it was just said once... otherwise i really like the poem .. its one of the few on here ill probably remember the most. keep it up!
~~*Judi Patootie*~~
Thank you. Those words are perfect. I really didn't want to put what I did but I couldn't think of anything else. Thank you.
I like it. "Lois Lane" and "Mary Jane" lines I particularly liked.
I can give you words
You make me feel whole
....or something or other like that.
It sounds kind of sing-songy. I would give it 7/10