Sorry this is so long. Quick recap: Main character Cassie Sinclair, accompanied by the family gargoyle, has sneaked out of her parents' house late at night. She ventured into the woods, in search of an ingredient for a revenge potion she wants to make for her ex boyfriend. While out in the woods, she encounters a supernatural dog. Frightened, she starts to head back to the house, but before she can get back to the wall, something moves behind her...
Chapter 3
A dark figure had stepped out from the shadow of a nearby tree. Fatigue made me slow – I only had time to take a few steps back before he had covered the ground between in us in three huge strides and seized me by my throat. I gasped as he shoved me against a tree. The whole trunk shook, raining leaves on our heads. The light flickered and went out as his fingers clenched with iron strength. I clawed weakly at the back of his hand, choking.
“About time you stepped out of your fancy little mansion,” the man whispered. Emery Nolan? I wondered wildly, but no – his hot breath was tickling my nose, definitely not a vampire trait. No, this was just your run of the mill, psychotic assassin. All I could make out were his eyes, burning with a manic brightness as they roved my face. “I’ve been waiting a long time to kill you, Estelle.”
I froze, surprised to hear my mother’s name. Estelle? That’s who he thought I was? This was just fantastic.
The man pulled something out of his pocket with the hand that wasn’t slowly strangling me. I heard a muted snick as a switchblade sprang open.
“I’m going to kill you the same way you killed that poor boy,” the assassin breathed. I shuddered as he lightly ran the icy blade of the knife up my arm. His voice took on a sadistic note. “Want to play a game?”
Panicked, I reached out and grabbed his arm. A pulse of magic, hot and uncontrolled, leapt between us. The man screamed and crumpled at my feet. The smell of burning flesh hung thick and heavy in the air.
“I don’t play nice,” I croaked, blinking hard at the dark spots dancing across my vision. The man was motionless for a long moment, and I felt a fleeting twinge of guilt. Had I seriously just electrocuted him to death?
The man suddenly stirred, moaning. I edged away as the guy, unbelievably, managed to lurch to his feet. The knife was still in his hand, a melted, twisted mess now. “Damn it!” the man spat, all good humor gone now. “You’re going to die slowly for that.”
How is he still alive? I thought, too shocked to do anything but back away as he took a few unsteady steps towards me. I’d just done enough damage to put a person in the hospital for weeks, if not kill them. And yet he had gotten up like I’d only pushed him over.
My attacker raised the knife again, advancing with all of the grace of a charging hippopotamus. He seemed completely oblivious to the smoke rising from his clothes. Swearing under my breath, I turned and bolted towards the wall, stumbling over the uneven ground.
There was a rush of movement on top of the barrier. “Cassie?” Seis called, his voice wavering like a frightened old woman’s. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay!” I snapped, glancing over my shoulder. The man was right behind me, making a low, wheezing sound. I desperately groped along the wall, searching for the gate.
“What’s wrong, Estelle?” the assassin growled, stopping a few feet away from me. I backed up until I was pressed against the wall, gagging at the smell of burning hair wafting off of the guy. “Don’t you want to play anymore?”
“Open the gate, Seis!” I screamed, covering my nose with my hand.
“I don’t have thumbs!” Little chunks of stone bounced off of my head as the gargoyle paced frenziedly above me.
“No one to save you now, Estelle,” the man jeered. He moved closer, footsteps silent in the lush summer grass. There was no unsteadiness in his movements now. Whatever damage I’d done had clearly only been temporary. Is he even human? I wondered wildly.
“I’m not Estelle,” I rasped, throat burning. The jolt of magic I’d given him had left me lightheaded and weak. Damn it, this wasn’t going to end well. “I’m her daughter.”
“Yeah, and I’m Snow White.” The smell of burnt flesh was overwhelming now, and I realized that he’d somehow halved the distance between us. “Now – ”
I threw up my hands, soundlessly murmuring an incantation. The man stumbled back as the curse whooshed past his head, leaving the smell of iron in its wake. There was a deafening crack and the shudder of leaves as the spell struck a tree. Far away, a dog began to bark again.
My assailant paused uncertainly for a moment, hovering just outside the shadow of the stone fence. I rubbed my hands against my jeans, trying to get rid of the pins and needles feeling. I swallowed hard, trying to think of an appropriate witty comment. But before I could speak, the man rushed at me again, warped knife flashing in the weak moonlight.
There was a flurry of motion up on the wall. Something whooshed past my ear and hit the man with a dull thud. He yelped and ducked as another object went flying. Rocks, I realized, feeling completely surreal. Seis is throwing rocks from the wall.
“Run, Cassie!” the gargoyle said, clumsily chucking another stone.
I didn’t need to be told twice. I turned and bolted, stumbling over the uneven ground. The wall was a reassuring presence on my left. Just have to follow it to the front gate, I reminded myself. Not too far.
A bolt of light struck the wall just above my head. I ducked as rocks cascaded down, clipping me in the cheek and gouging my leg. A low thrumming sound filled the air. For a brief second I wildly thought of a swarm of cicadas before realizing that the protective enchantments on the wall were kicking in. Good for anyone safely inside, but not much help for me.
A pathetic scream slipped past my lips as another curse streaked past my arm, missing me by inches. Footsteps pounded in the grass right behind me. Panicking, I put on another burst of speed. My throat burned as though I’d swallowed hot coals as I gasped for breath.
Ahead, the wall began to curve. I felt as though my feet were barely touching the grass now, legs working furiously. The assassin was right behind me, wheezing in my ear. Another spell streaked past me and then I was careening around the corner of the wall, not daring to slow even a bit.
The house was clearly visible now, crouching on top of its hill like a giant yellow panther. The grass we were racing across had narrowed to a thin strip, sandwiched between the wall and the empty road. I could just make out the front gate, a gleaming iron monstrosity. My eyes fixed on the security keypad, glowing a sickly green in the dark.
The footsteps behind me had slowed. Gasping, I forced my legs a little faster, trying to ignore the searing pain in my lungs. Ten more steps and suddenly the grass gave way to asphalt. I lunged across the driveway, desperately reaching for the keypad.
My sweaty fingers fought for purchase on the numbered keys. 7…9…3…I silently recited, stabbing the buttons. The man – warlock, I corrected myself, he was about as human as I was - had reached the edge of the driveway now. I could sense him behind me, watching me. His steps were slow and confident as he crossed the pavement. “Nowhere left to go,” he said softly. “I’m going to – ”
Seis had appeared at the top of the wall again, raining down a cascade of pebbles at the man. I had to admire the little gargoyle’s bravery – even though we both knew that the warlock couldn’t hurt him as long as he stayed on top of the fence.
5…2…3! I stepped back, triumphant, ready to dive inside as soon as the gate unlocked.
There was a long silence, broken only by the clatter of stones on the pavement, and then a shrill buzz. I watched with dismay as the keypad turned an angry red. “Incorrect,” a woman’s voice said coolly. “Entry denied.”
“What!” I yelled, kicking the gate. “You’ve got be freaking kidding me!”
I swung around, hands curled into fists. The assassin was only a few feet back now, swearing and ducking the hail of rocks. It was still too dark to make out his face, but his silhouette was hunched and twisted. He slowly limped forward, as though the motion pained him. Maybe I did hurt him after all, I thought, pleased.
The gate rattled loudly as Seis scrambled onto it, crouching at the top like a giant bat. I half turned to him, opening my mouth as though to say something.
Before I could get the words out – or maybe it was a scream – the warlock rushed towards me. I felt the air pressure shift as a spell fizzled at his fingers.
“Incendo!” I gasped, blurting out the first spell that came to mind.
A green light exploded in front of my eyes. I fell to my knees, blinded. Seis screamed on the wall above me, a horrible, grating screech that hurt my ears. I flinched back against the gate as something crashed to the ground feet away from me, followed by a sick, wet sound. Someone moaned, and then it was silent again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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No, sorry this took so long. I did review already, and then my computer crashed! Useless Stella! So I'm back.
Yo.
I. NITPICKS
Something about this strikes me as wrong. Maybe, why is it muted?
Tweak your tenses here, this doesn't look right.
Just... brilliant. I laughed so hard.
Okay.
II. ACTION
I'm not going to lie, I'm not a big fan of action. I find it hard to follow in literary form. Yours definitely wasn't the worst I've ever read, by no means, but I think that you could do a lot to make it clearer for the reader just exactly what is going on. In particular I'm worried about the part where they're running along the edge of the wall. It's a little bit monotone, a little bit confusing. If you spice it up, then we get more interested and therefore more alert to what is going on. Work on making the details clearer first, and the rest should fall into place.
III. OVERALL
This was lovely, the suspense worked well, and the intrigue. Nice job.
Hope I helped, sorry I'm so late, and drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I really like this, I hope you decide to continue it. I'm not exactly good at the whole grammar thing and since others have probably gone over that I'm just going to skip over that part. I can't wait to see where you take this and what you do with it. I appreciate you letting me know you had this up. I hope you'll do the same for the next chapter.
Magnus! I will definitely be badgering you for more of this! haha
I guess RH found the only nitpicks that were to be found. This is truly amazing.
Your writing is effortless. Nothing seems forced, not the dialogue or action, nothing at all! I can clearly picture the whole scene quite easily.
Except for one thing. When Cassie tells Seis to open the gate, why would she say that if she was far away from it? I mean, did she run away from it and I didn't catch that? Or was she just anticipating running in quickly?
Anywho, this was amazing. Seriously. Thank you for the great read.
Tanya
All right, here for the review!
Once again, you've done a fantastic job blending adventure and intense action with humor -- seriously, I haven't read something this good in a while, so keep it up!
Shouldn't the thoughts be in italics? Yeah, I know, really small issue, but I had to find something.
Favorite part; I love this so much. XD
At first, I was wondering why she'd be trying to come up with something witty to say; then I read back and figured it's probably in reply to his Snow White comment? It just felt like too much elapsed between his words and her trying to think of something to say back to him.
One last thought -- wouldn't she be screaming for help at the gate? Wouldn't the consequences of sneaking out be much less than the potential of being killed by this crazed warlock?
All right, so that's really all I have to critique! I feel useless here. But, that's good for you! Please post more -- and soon.