Heya, Mage! Back again for another review.
Small Comments
“It's him,” she said. She raised a hand and pressed it on her chest. “I can feel it in my soul. I guess...I guess it's why it hurts so much to know that he's lying to me.”
I don't really get how she can be so confident about this. She's only just found out that contracts exist, and she knows next to nothing about the details of it. Even if she does have an overwhelming sense that she's connected to him, would she not doubt herself slightly? It's a bold assumption to make so soon.
as the memories of her first meeting with him replayed itself in her tired mind
Presume you meant 'themselves' here.
Her contracted wasn't someone who knew Aldonius as a close friend.
Her contracted was Aldonius.
Somehow I didn't guess this, yet it also feels quite...obvious. I'll talk about this more in the small comments, because I'd love this moment to feel much more climactic than it is.
It had been less than ten minutes since King Kartiel IX had returned to the castle
FINALLY we get to meet this fella! Yes!
He kept walking over to the throne, only coming to a stop when he was a foot away from the throne.
Replace the bold with 'it'.
He bit his lip to hold back an angry retort; the metallic taste of of blood flooded his mouth as his teeth broke through skin
Try not to overdo the whole 'biting your lip so hard you draw blood' thing. It's not really that common. You might do it if you were terrified and not thinking; I don't think you'd do it if you were just irritated.
a good dose of common sense would be enough to sway his opinion.
But, then again, when had Kartiel ever been rational about Ikach and the lockets?
I thought you were going to say 'when had Kartiel ever cared about common sense?' and completely roast the guy. It's a shame you didn't.
“My king,” Orpheus said, and Kartiel immediately stiffened at the title. Good. He understood that it wasn't just about him, and that he needed to think for an entire kingdom.
Really liked this part. It says a lot in very little words.
If Ikach gets his hands on the other golden locketand finally discovers its secrets, Telorum could fall.”
Might just be me, but I think this line would be stronger if you cut the part I've crossed out. Just maintains a little more mystery.
Kartiel thought over what had been argued
Are we seeing this chapter from Orpheus's perspective or Kartiel's? For the most part you orientate yourself in Orpheus's POV, but you get slightly head-hoppy in places.
“Your hood is off,” he commented. Orpheus wanted to argue that the door was closed and that was no need for the concern, but knew that doing so would be pointless.
He sighed and pulled it back up.
Intriguing.
Overall Thoughts
This is kind of a piece of two halves. Chapter nine is probably one of my favourite instalments so far, but I'm less certain about the end of chapter eight. I'll focus on the latter first, just so we can get the negatives out of the way.
So I want to talk about the reveal. In itself, the realisation that Aldonius is Cass's contracted is a pretty awesome thing, because it sets up some cool questions about why he lied and explains the connection between them well. However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tad underwhelmed by the revelation. It didn't hit me in that 'oh, WOW, of course!' kind of way; I just found it a little bit predictable. I think the only reason I didn't guess that Aldonius was Cass's contracted is because I expected something...more unexpected, if that makes sense?
But the thing is, I'm not against Aldonius being Cass's contracted. I do think it's really cool, story-wise. I just think you've given it away way too soon, and the problem is that we didn't even get the chance to speculate about who else might be her contracted. The only person she's met in this world that's felt significant to her so far is Aldonius, so it just seems pretty anti-climactic that we've discovered the truth of his link to her so soon. You've missed out on the chance to ride out this mystery, mislead us, keep us guessing, and THEN turn round and reveal that Aldonius was her contracted the whole time. As it stands in the current story, it's feels like giving away the identity of the murderer when the reader has only met one suspect.
So that's my main gripe with this instalment, and I'm sorry to be a downer about it. However, I can happily say that chapter nine was excellent. I loved the change of pace and the chance to see a new setting and new characters. I've warmed to Kartiel and Orpheus's relationship already; unwilling royals are quite a weakness of mine, and it's fascinating to see them talking about Cass from this outside perspective. I noticed that they used Aldonius's name in air quotes, as well - who is he really? Friend or foe? I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for villainous Aldonius, even if I think it isn't likely. But I'm equally convinced that Kartiel isn't villainous either, despite what everyone's said about him. Still, I'm a sucker for a story where the antagonists aren't clear cut evil-doers, so I'm loving all the uncertainty about who to trust.
This chapter was definitely much-needed, because it feels like it's put Cass's situation into perspective - the stakes seem much higher now we know that Telorum's monarchy is fixated on her. It also adds extra suspense, because we as readers now have a better understanding of this world than Cass does, and we'll be able to follow her story with insider information about Kartiel and Orpheus's motives. I expect that that will make all of her future chapters more interesting. It's great.
That's about all I've got to say. I was underwhelmed by the big reveal, but Kartiel and Orpheus's introduction is great and I'm really excited to unravel the mystery surrounding Cass and the locket. It feels like things are finally heating up in this story; you're pulling out the big guns now.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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