Hey, Mage! Thought I'd finally get up to date - though I suspect you'll release another chapter any day now and set me back again.
Small Comments
She went to hold onto her locket, but then withdrew her hand away as if the metal was fire and she had just been burnt.
'As if the metal had burned her' would say the same thing in less words. You could even get away with 'as if it had burned her'.
“I was making a potion. I have everything else in stock, but I needed the moonbuds, and you don't have any in the garden-”
“We could have sent someone out,” Kartiel said. Anger seeped into his voice.
This is nice, natural dialogue. It says a lot with very little.
It ironic how safe she felt when she had first heard him raise his voice against Prince Rodet; now, as he raised his voice against his subordinate, she only felt terror.
Oh, that reminds me of something I forgot to mention in my last review. Rodet had an altercation with Aldonius/Kartiel near the beginning of the story, right? He saw his face? I'm just wondering why he didn't recognise him. Does this world not have photography, press, newspapers? If it doesn't, I guess it's reasonable to think that Rodet might never have seen Kartiel before. It's not like he'd have come on friendly visits to their country. It's just that Rodet's a prince and Kartiel's a king, so I thought Rodet might have at least seen a picture of him. Not a big deal, but maybe worth a brief explanation if you can fit it in somewhere.
The darkness only grew in intensity as panic set in. Her magic was uncontrollable. She wouldn't be able to get it to stop, and it would just keep tearing away at everything that made her her-
I don't feel like I know what her darkness magic does when she loses control of it. Is it actually dangerous? Does it damage her surroundings? At the moment all I'm picturing is some wavery shadows rising up around her, which isn't that threatening or urgent. Again, Cass only has Lira's word to go on that it's dangerous. This would be more tense if we'd actually seen her magic causing proper havoc before.
The basket and its flowers laid forgotten on the floor.
Nice image to end on.
Overall Thoughts
I know you were worried about this chapter, but I actually really like it. You handle Cass's reaction pretty well. This is one of the times where it feels fully appropriate to delve into her head and explore the nuances of her thoughts, and I think you summarise everything well. The quality of the writing in this chapter is great; the dialogue feels more naturalistic and subtle, somehow.
I think my main critique for this chapter is that I don't feel like Kartiel and Orpheus would argue in front of Cass like this? It's quite an uncomfortable situation; they're acting like they've forgotten she's there, and I just can't see them doing that when her arrival is clearly quite a monumental thing - for Orpheus, at the very least. I can picture them getting irritable with one another, I just can't see it escalating into a full-on row.
It was interesting that Orpheus said something about wanting to know more about 'her' and 'her world'. I'm guessing he's talking about Cass? In which case, does he mean Earth when he talks about her world? Now that would have interesting implications. Then again, it could just mean that Kartiel is keeping him sheltered, with 'her world' referring to the general outside or something. I'm assuming that, if Orpheus is a fallen, there's probably a lot of people out there that would do him harm and that's why Kartiel is so protective of him.
I think I'm probably more interested in their dynamic than that of any other characters, actually. I can't wait to see more scenes with the two of them.
Anything else to say? I think that's the bulk of it. This chapter felt a lot more polished on the whole and I really enjoyed reading it. I hope that part II is going to feature Orpheus and Kartiel much more (I suspect it will) because they seem to be the characters that intrigue me the most so far. They clearly care about each other, but they want different things and there's a lot of conflict there. I can't wait to find out more about them.
This chapter has also got me wondering about Aspen's contracted again. I suspect that'll be another shocking twist you spring upon me unawares?
Keep writing!
~Pan
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Reviews: 641
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