Hey, Mage! Back again to review. I've got The Great British Bake Off on in the background so I'm going to have to fight to stay focused, but I'll do my best.
Small Comments
She stared up at the ceiling of the tent. Snippets of the dream replayed themselves in her mindas she tried to analyze what she had just witnessed.
The bit I've crossed out is redundant. We can easily infer from the context and the following sentences that she's trying to make sense of the dream.
When she had seen Nebris through the altar, it hadn't seemed real. It was almost like looking at someone who had a Snapchat filter on.
I can't work out if I love or hate this simile xD. I'm edging towards loving it. It was jarring to read, but it does fit Cass's character and adds a great dose of normal, teenager-ness to the narrative. And I know exactly what she means by it. I'd maybe just suggest that you throw more references to real-life stuff like Snapchat in at other points in the narrative, just so this one doesn't feel so isolated and sudden. I'm not saying she has to mention Vine and McDonald's in every other sentence, but some occasional allusions to Cass's world will just remind us that it's still very present in her mind.
There was movement from the depths of the forest.
Her breath caught in her throat.
The sound had come from something fairly large.
I'd like more description of this sound. What can she actually hear? Snapping twigs and branches? And how nearby?
a calming blue glowbegan toseeped into her vision.
I agree with FireSpyGirl that 'seep' is a lovely verb to use here, but 'began to' is quite a redundant filler.
He looked up.
The singing abruptly stopped as they stared at each other.
I think this sentence would have more punch if it was shorter. Something like 'the singing stopped' would work.
Unlike before, however, a tree root greeted her feet
'Greet' feels like the wrong word. I generally associate greetings with politeness or friendliness, but this is an unwelcome obstruction. If you had something like 'a tree root kicked her feet out from under her' it would make it seem more imposing, though obviously that's just an example.
Overall Thoughts
This is a good chapter on the whole. I was expecting Cass to have to travel for longer before she stumbled upon another important character - it does seem like a mighty coincidence for her to meet the literal Dark Mage the moment she sets out - but I get the sense that you wanted to move stuff along. I'm not too fussed about the quick pacing, because it adds some excitement that Cass following the road to Telorum wouldn't be able to offer in itself.
I cannot decide if the Dark Mage is trustworthy. My gut says yes, but I'm not as certain about him as I am about Kartiel. I'm not completely won over by Cass's thought process in the last paragraph, though it's difficult to put my finger on why. It makes sense for her to wonder about his motivations, but it feels like she's jumping the gun to be like 'MAYBE HE'S GOT AN ELABORATE PLAN TO MAKE ME TRUST HIM' when at this point all he's done is offer to help her up. I can see her worrying about his motivations and hesitating, but she's in the throes of panic right now, so it seems a bit much to be thinking thoroughly about what King Kartiel's grand plan might be. I feel like it should come later (providing that the Dark Mage continuous to be nice to her, which I'm guessing he will).
The flowers were an interesting touch. I wonder what they're for. I feel like they must be important, if Kartiel's right hand man has been set on the task of collecting them, but I couldn't think why they'd be needed, unless they have magical properties of their own. We've not really learnt about magic existing in anything other than people so far (and obviously the lockets), so it opens up some interesting questions.
Do I have anything else to say? Some of the prose was a bit cumbersome in places, but I'm chalking that down to the fact that you wrote this so quickly. I felt like the whole sequence where Cass scrambles to get away could've been more showy and less telly. I didn't really feel the panic.
Overall, though, I enjoyed this. Can't wait to read the next bit!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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