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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 12.2]

by Mageheart


Words: 1,065

Last Line(s): “Hello,” she said, a small smile dancing across her lips.

The fallen turned to look at her with violet eyes.

“Welcome to Telorum.”

Cass opened her eyes.

It was still dark outside; she could see the moon cutting through the trees through the small window in the opening flap of her tent. She stared up at the ceiling of the tent. Snippets of the dream replayed themselves in her mind as she tried to analyze what she had just witnessed. Aldonius was a member of Telorum's council. That calmed some of her fears about not being able to find a way back home; he would have access to things normal people in Telorum probably wouldn't.

But then her mind went to the fallen.

When she had seen Nebris through the altar, it hadn't seem real. It was almost like looking at someone who had a Snapchat filter on. Take away the heavenly glow and the wings, and he had looked convincingly human. The fallen hadn't. They had looked like something out of a horror movie, scales covering every inch of bare skin and a pair of sharp fangs peeking out from curled back lips. Yet the fallen had been very real, and so close that she—as Aldonius—could have touched the wings that had protectively wrapped around their body-

There was movement from the depths of the forest.

Her breath caught in her throat.

The sound had come from something fairly large. 

She fumbled for her backpack, desperately trying to remember where she had thrown her pocketknife. If the source was anything similar to the bears, wolfs and coyotes of Earth, the knife would barely do anything. But the feeling of its wooden handle made her feel slightly less afraid; she could fend off whatever lurked in the darkness if it came too close the smoldering remains of her fire and the flimsy tent. 

As she silently waited for more noise, a melody suddenly began to reach her ears. Her tense shoulders relaxed, and she let out the breath she had been holding. The voice was soft and gentle, the lyrics sweet and nostalgic to Aldonius's memories. She hesitantly pushed aside the flap. Aldonius knew the owner of the voice. She didn't know what someone would be doing in the woods at this time of night, but she decided that a peek from behind a tree wouldn't hurt.

Still clutching the knife tightly in one hand, she slipped out into the darkness.

The voice was coming from relatively nearby. She let her ears guide her to its source. As she came closer to it, a calming blue glow began to seep into her vision. Both things were coming from up ahead. Despite her plan to stop and watch the singer from afar, she found herself standing—breathless—only a handful of feet away from him.

For as far as her eye could see, the ground was covered by glowing blue flowers.

They sprung up around the trunk of every tree, their vines slowly creeping up their sides. Cass watched with awe as buds formed and burst into life. The song continued on, its singer having yet to notice that someone else had entered the field of flowers. 

Cass finally tore her gaze away from the flowers and looked at the owner of the enchanting voice. The deepness and tone identified him as male, but none of his features made it clear. Most of them were hidden underneath his billowing black cloak. The only things that she could clearly see were his black attire, thick locks of black hair going down to his chest, and his lean build.

He was plucking flowers from their stems and placing them in the wooden basket he was holding in his other gloved hand. Each time he picked a flower from a stem, another would blossom. She had seen magic during her time in Rey, but she had never seen something look so natural. This wasn't his magic. She knew that, somewhere deep within. This was the forest, and something about that made it all the more magical.

He looked up.

The singing abruptly stopped as they stared at each other. 

Cass hurried to come up with some sort of apology, but the words died on her lips when the conversation with Lira came to mind. She frantically looked him over for something that would prove to her that she was wrong, but not a single inch of his skin was left uncovered. 

He was the Dark Mage.

“You're Cassandra Hughes,” he finally said. His speaking voice was surprisingly young and unsurprisingly familiar. The hand holding the basket fell limply to his side as he watched her. 

Cass took a nervous step back. “How-How did you know that?” She desperately hoped that her guess was wrong. He knew about her. A king's subordinate would likely tell him everything he knew. If the Dark Mage knew who Cass was, then so would King Kartiel. The thought made the hand holding her pocketknife shake. She'd never be able to sneak around Telorum if the king already had his eye on her.

The Dark Mage hesitated.

“I know Aldonius,” he said. 

He took a step forward.

She stumbled back even further. Unlike before, however, a tree root greeted her feet, and she went tumbling down into the sea of glowing blue petals. A jolt of terror ran through her when she realized that he now easily towered over her. Her shaking hands grasped handfuls of flowers as she tried to hurry back to her feet. But doing so was easier said than done in her panicked state of mind, and she was still in the middle of getting up when he held his free hand out.

She stared at the extended hand.

When she finally looked up, he was staring at her from within the cowls of his hood.

“I won't hurt you,” he promised after another moment passed, his tone as soft and gentle as it had been when he was singing. “I just want to help you up.”

She hesitantly grabbed onto his outstretched hand. She knew she wasn't supposed to trust the Dark Mage, but it was hard not to when he sounded so kind. He hadn't done anything to harm her yet. Maybe that was part of whatever grand scheme King Kartiel and he had. Get the girl with the golden locket to trust them, and then they would...She couldn't figure out what exactly would come next, but she knew it couldn't possibly be good.


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Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:43 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Mage! Back again to review. I've got The Great British Bake Off on in the background so I'm going to have to fight to stay focused, but I'll do my best. :P

Small Comments

She stared up at the ceiling of the tent. Snippets of the dream replayed themselves in her mind as she tried to analyze what she had just witnessed.


The bit I've crossed out is redundant. We can easily infer from the context and the following sentences that she's trying to make sense of the dream.

When she had seen Nebris through the altar, it hadn't seemed real. It was almost like looking at someone who had a Snapchat filter on.


I can't work out if I love or hate this simile xD. I'm edging towards loving it. It was jarring to read, but it does fit Cass's character and adds a great dose of normal, teenager-ness to the narrative. And I know exactly what she means by it. I'd maybe just suggest that you throw more references to real-life stuff like Snapchat in at other points in the narrative, just so this one doesn't feel so isolated and sudden. I'm not saying she has to mention Vine and McDonald's in every other sentence, but some occasional allusions to Cass's world will just remind us that it's still very present in her mind.

There was movement from the depths of the forest.

Her breath caught in her throat.

The sound had come from something fairly large.


I'd like more description of this sound. What can she actually hear? Snapping twigs and branches? And how nearby?

a calming blue glow began to seeped into her vision.


I agree with FireSpyGirl that 'seep' is a lovely verb to use here, but 'began to' is quite a redundant filler.

He looked up.

The singing abruptly stopped as they stared at each other.


I think this sentence would have more punch if it was shorter. Something like 'the singing stopped' would work.

Unlike before, however, a tree root greeted her feet


'Greet' feels like the wrong word. I generally associate greetings with politeness or friendliness, but this is an unwelcome obstruction. If you had something like 'a tree root kicked her feet out from under her' it would make it seem more imposing, though obviously that's just an example.

Overall Thoughts

This is a good chapter on the whole. I was expecting Cass to have to travel for longer before she stumbled upon another important character - it does seem like a mighty coincidence for her to meet the literal Dark Mage the moment she sets out - but I get the sense that you wanted to move stuff along. I'm not too fussed about the quick pacing, because it adds some excitement that Cass following the road to Telorum wouldn't be able to offer in itself.

I cannot decide if the Dark Mage is trustworthy. My gut says yes, but I'm not as certain about him as I am about Kartiel. I'm not completely won over by Cass's thought process in the last paragraph, though it's difficult to put my finger on why. It makes sense for her to wonder about his motivations, but it feels like she's jumping the gun to be like 'MAYBE HE'S GOT AN ELABORATE PLAN TO MAKE ME TRUST HIM' when at this point all he's done is offer to help her up. I can see her worrying about his motivations and hesitating, but she's in the throes of panic right now, so it seems a bit much to be thinking thoroughly about what King Kartiel's grand plan might be. I feel like it should come later (providing that the Dark Mage continuous to be nice to her, which I'm guessing he will).

The flowers were an interesting touch. I wonder what they're for. I feel like they must be important, if Kartiel's right hand man has been set on the task of collecting them, but I couldn't think why they'd be needed, unless they have magical properties of their own. We've not really learnt about magic existing in anything other than people so far (and obviously the lockets), so it opens up some interesting questions.

Do I have anything else to say? Some of the prose was a bit cumbersome in places, but I'm chalking that down to the fact that you wrote this so quickly. I felt like the whole sequence where Cass scrambles to get away could've been more showy and less telly. I didn't really feel the panic.

Overall, though, I enjoyed this. Can't wait to read the next bit!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:00 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hi Mage! I hope you don't mind if I review this again. :)

I've got to say that I really liked this chapter. It had a lot of lovely imagery and also some development with the Dark Mage.

Some little things:

The fallen hadn't. They had looked like something out of a horror movie, scales covering every inch of bare skin and a pair of sharp fangs peeking out from curled back lips. Yet the fallen had been very real, and so close that she—as Aldonius—could have touched the wings that had protectively wrapped around their body-

I think it would have been nice to have this in the last chapter? I think the only bit you mentioned there was the wings. It doesn't feel as much like recalling the dream here since you're describing the appearance of the fallen for the first time--does that make any sense?

The voice was coming from relatively nearby. She let her ears guide her to its source. As she came closer to it, a calming blue glow began to seep into her vision. Both things were coming from up ahead.

If she's walking towards the voice and the glow, it seems sort of obvious that it would be "coming from up ahead", so maybe you can cut that out?

They sprung up around the trunk of every tree, their vines slowly creeping up their sides. Cass watched with awe as buds formed and burst into life. The song continued on, its singer having yet to notice that someone else had entered the field of flowers.

Cass finally tore her gaze away from the flowers and looked at the owner of the enchanting voice.

It makes sense to describe the flowers first before the singer, but it also seems pretty weird for her to tear her gaze from one to look at the other. I feel like it would be more logical to have her seeing both, just processing them one at a time, so that after the description of the flowers, she would shift her attention to the man among them--with this last sentence, it just feels a lot like they're two separate things when they're sort of one whole.

Cass hurried to come up with some sort of apology, but the words died on her lips when the conversation with Lira came to mind. She frantically looked him over for something that would prove to her that she was wrong, but not a single inch of his skin was left uncovered.

He was the Dark Mage.

Is she just recognizing him from what Lira said? I think she would be a lot less certain if that were so. Maybe you could add something about recognizing him from Aldonius's memories or feelings, assuming that's the case.

Unlike before, however, a tree root greeted her feet, and she went tumbling down into the sea of glowing blue petals.

This "unlike before, a tree root greeted her feet" bit doesn't sound quite right to me? I don't really understand why it's before, so maybe you could clarify.

Anyway, it was really fun to have Cass meet the Dark Mage in the woods! I certainly wasn't expecting that. Is she officially in Telorum now? Or does the Dark Mage cross the border to collect these special flowers?? I also hope we get to find out what the flowers do (assuming they're magical and that magical things have to do something).

I thought there was a really nice tone here, and even though Cass was a little skeptical about the Dark Mage, she wasn't flat out terrified. It's such a beautiful setting, and there's this sense of peacefulness or calm throughout that I liked. Nice job! :)

-Q




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Sun Dec 30, 2018 3:57 pm
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FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



*Bounces with excitement*
I am really loving your novel! The plot is definitely intriguing and I am sooo hooked! XD. Each chapter that I have read is very well written, the reader is not left confused or disappointed. I especially love the blue flowers! I love flowers and blue is my favorite color :). I am now wishing those flowers could be real. I also loved this sentence:
"As she came closer to it, a calming blue glow began to seep into her vision."
I have never, ever seen anything like this phrase in any book that I have ever read. It's usually "Began to enter her vision" or something like that. I really like this "seep into her vision."

Going to read the next chapter, looking forward to more!





The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone