Hi Mage! Back again to review. I don't really have any small comments for this chapter, just general stuff, so I'm not going to follow my usual format. Before I delve into the body of the review, though, let me just say something about this:
For a moment, Cass was overwhelmed by the desire to follow Dari into the building. She even got to her feet and started heading towards the door. She couldn’t just wait for answers to come to her. Maybe it was Kartiel’s confidence taking root, or maybe it was her frustration with how much she had been restricted ever since she had ended up on this world—whatever it was, she wanted something other than a cryptic promise.
But just as she was about to push open the blacksmith’s door, the ringing of the apothecary’s bell cut through the clamor of the street. Cass knew the moment that door opened that she could never follow through with her plan. Orpheus would come inside with her. If it was just her and Dari, he might have told her more. But with Orpheus there, he wouldn’t address their previous conversation. He didn’t want to do anything that could put his role as a council member in jeopardy.
Her shoulders slumped, and she turned back to face Orpheus.
His arms were laden with a variety of unfamiliar herbs. After a brief glance out into the surrounding street, he managed to free one hand and pull down his hood to further conceal his features. It was an innocent gesture, and one that made sense, but Cass suddenly found herself wondering he could enter the city with Kartiel’s permission but not go into the wilderness. Wouldn’t a place with no people be safer than one that had people, especially when the city was in the castle’s shadow? Orpheus being a fallen would have destroyed Kartiel’s hold on the kingdom.
An uneasy feeling settled in her chest.
I think this whole opening section can go. Remember what I said in the last chapter, about not lingering too long in a scene? That's what's happening here. There aren't really any story beats - all that happens is Cass considers going after Dari, then doesn't. It doesn't add anything. There's a reason you cut the last chapter where you did - follow that instinct.
That aside, this chapter left me quite confused. The main thing that's thrown me off is all this talk of a 'secret'. I'm not really sure how she's come to the conclusion that there is one. All Dari said to her was that Kartiel's memories were going to get confusing, and that - because he was a council member - he couldn't tell her the reason. I get why Cass would be unsettled by that, because it implies that the council is aware of things that they aren't sharing with her.
What I don't get is how that translates into her being certain that (a) there's a single, united secret, (b) that the secret is sinister and (c) that the secret threatens the entirety of Telorum. They're such huge conclusions to jump to based on next to no evidence. From Dari's words, I didn't necessarily think that the council wanted to hide the truth from her indefinitely - how could they, when she shares Kartiel's memories? I just thought they might want her to figure things out for herself. Maybe they think it's crucial for her to understand Kartiel through the contract, not through how other people talk about him. At no point did I think 'yup, the council's keeping a massive secret that could ruin the nation', so I don't get why Cass would come to that conclusion either.
What this says to me is that Dari's dialogue at the end of the previous chapter ought to be altered. He needs to say something that gives Cass a more conclusive reason to feel suspicious of the council. Maybe Dari should come across as more apprehensive himself. Because to me, his words just seemed like a bit of friendly advice, not a hint towards a groundbreaking secret.
I don't fully understand why Orpheus has become so distant, either. You say that he's picked up on Cass's mood change, but I'm not sure why he's acting so standoffish rather than, y'know, actually asking her what's wrong. Does he even know she had a conversation with Dari, or had he already left by the time he came out of the apothecary? It might make more sense if Cass actually told Orpheus about it and asked him what Dari had meant, only for Orpheus to suddenly get really closed off. That would provide a reason for Orpheus to act distant as well as giving Cass a stronger motivation to feel unsettled, because she'd know he was hiding something. It's a possibility, anyway. I leave it with you.
The diary is an interesting development. I'm intrigued to see how it fits in with the curse and what's really going on in Telorum. I does seem to drop out of the sky somewhat, though. It feels too convenient that Cass just happens to stumble across it, mere minutes after she's realised that she needs to uncover a secret. I feel like there should be a reason for her to seek this book out. Could she dream about it, by any chance? If she saw the book in Kartiel's memories, there'd be a more concrete reason for her to seek it out rather than just her 'having a feeling' about it.
All that said, I am immensely tickled to see that she's effectively nicked this book without telling anyone. Rebel Cass is here, finally! Break those rules, gal!
That's all for this one!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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