z

Young Writers Society



The Witch's Return [4]

by Mageheart


Chapter 4

Jack had been planning this moment for a long time.

He would take Chase out to celebrate at the local diner. They would get a table somewhere in the back. Jack was hoping for a booth, but he wouldn't be picky. They'd order their usual meals, and then they'd chat for a little bit. Jack would congratulate Chase on once again getting the lead role in the town's newest play. Chase would get flustered, as per usual. And then Jack would finally get the courage to tell him how he felt.

This wasn't the first time they had gotten a seat in the diner. It wasn't the first time they had gotten one in the back, in the booth that Jack had been eyeing since he had first hatched his plan. It wasn't even his first time trying to enact the plan.

Maybe that was the problem.

Jack had been planning this moment for a long time, but he had never been quite able to enact it. He had been trying to figure out how that morning when Kody came into the kitchen, and had been trying to figure it out after Kody had left. When he was finally successful, Kody would understand why he couldn't hang out at Spooktober. He had to get the moment just right, and Chase wouldn't be doing any other plays until school started up in September.

But today wasn't going right.

Chase wasn't making eye contact. He hadn't been since they met up in the morning. Jack had done everything he could think of to cheer his best friend up, but Chase just wasn't responding to it.

So now here they were, celebrating something that didn't feel like it was worth celebrating.

“Is everything okay?” Jack asked.

Chase looked up from his meal. “Huh?”

“You seem out of it,” Jack pointed out. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh,” Chase awkwardly said. He glanced down. “Nothing's wrong. I...”

He faltered.

Jack frowned. “If something's bugging you, you can always tell me.”

Chase shook his head. “Nothing's wrong. I...I just have mixed feelings about this role. That's all.”

His frown deepened. Chase had been gushing about the role since he had first decided to audition. It was the kind of story they would have made when they were kids, after all. A valiant hero saves the day, rescues the damsel in distress and gets a happily ever after. And Chase had always loved history. This was the most historical play the community or school theater groups had ever put on.

“Chase,” Jack said. “I don't know what's going on, but please let me help you. You're upset about something, and I hate when you're upset. Because then I get upset, which isn't helpful at all.”

Chase gave a tiny smile.

Jack stared at Chase's half-eaten meal, too, hoping that something in the burger and fries would give away whatever secret Chase was hiding. Thoughts of confessing his feelings were forgotten; right now, he needed to slay the beast that was plaguing his best friend.

xXx

Chase had been planning this moment for a long time.

Jack would take him out to celebrate at the local diner. Chase never was sure what role he would get, but he knew that Jack would always want to celebrate. They would order their usual meals and desserts. Jack would congratulate him. And then Chase would finally muster the courage to tell Jack his deepest, darkest secret.

This was supposed to be the big day. He had told himself it in the mirror that morning when he was checking his appearance. But now that the moment had finally come, Chase wasn't sure he knew what to say.

A few more moments passed.

Chase grew less and less interested in his partially eaten burger and pitiful pile of fries.

“...Jack?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“...Do you know our town's story?”

He sneaked a peek. Jack's face was deep in thought. For the briefest of moments, Chase was worried that Jack somehow didn't know. He had been sure the Harts had told their children about it, even though they had moved to the town from halfway across the country. Maybe this was the wrong way to go about it-

“I know,” Jack said. “It's what your play is about, after all! But how does the town's history have to do with your mood?”

Chase looked up and stared at him.

Jack gave a small smile. “You're not just changing the topic, right?”

After a moment of hesitation, Chase gave a little nod. “I'm not. But, um...”

“Want me to talk about the history?” Jack asked.

Chase gave a nod.

He was an actor. He knew how to play his part, and he played it well. Most of his classmates barely gave him a second glance, save for when he acted in shows the night before. During the summer, none of them even tried to keep in touch. It was just how Chase liked it. But then there was Jack. When Jack got involved, Chase found he didn't know how to act. Jack had met him before Chase had given into the role – he just couldn't act the same towards Jack that he acted towards everyone else.

“Okay.” Jack rested his chin in the cusp of his hand. “The story starts with the town's founding – a group of settlers from different colonies came here. They either needed something new, or they had to escape from persecution.”

Jack stirred his straw in his milkshake with his free hand.

“What the founders didn't know was that there were demons in their ranks. There was some great catastrophe involving them. The valiant hero, played by the equally valiant Chase Alden-” Here Jack paused, giving Chase a wink that made Chase's heart skip a beat. “-worked with a witch to seal the demons away for good. The hero and the witch fell in love in the process, and their love was so strong that it made the Puritan town trust the witch.”

Chase pushed his plate away.

He finally looked up and met Jack's eyes. Jack had that glint to them that he got whenever he was telling a story – Chase had always loved the way that they caught the light just right.

“The witch and the hero didn't end up together,” Chase said. “That part is just from the play.”

Jack frowned. “Well, that's disappointing.”

Chase gave a small smile. “Do you really think a town in colonial times would accept a witch?”

His best friend slumped in his seat and took a long, forlorn sip of his milkshake. “I guess not.”

Chase gave another little nod. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by a waitress coming over to take their plates. She was one of their classmates. Chase fell silent and slunk into his chair; Jack positively beamed. The girl blushed and ducked her head down before hurrying off to get their receipt.

Chase looked down at the table, hands tightly gripping the edge of his seat. He tried to quell the heavy feeling that settled in his chest, but it only grew stronger when he thought of how Jack had smiled at their classmate.

“...If they didn't get married, what really happened?” Jack suddenly asked.

Chase looked up.

“The hero married his betrothed,” he said. “The witch fled from town. Her magic might have saved the town, but she was an outcast for using it. No one trusted her – not even her fellow witches.”

Jack held up his hand. “Wait just a second. The story never mentions other witches!”

“We're not that far from Salem,” Chase pointed out. “Most of Salem's witches weren't really witches. But there were witches living in the area, so they fled to other towns out of fear.”

The waitress returned with the receipt.

After Jack fished some money out from his wallet, he slipped out of the booth and stood beside Chase. “...How do you know all of this? Your mom's a mechanic, and your dad owns the flower shop. They're not exactly history buffs.”

“...I read about it.”

Jack shook his head as he helped Chase to his feet. “That's not it. I...I read about it, too. I checked the library and the internet. What you're telling me isn't written anywhere. It's not even a story they tell during the town fair.”

Chase took a deep breath.

It looked like he'd have to tell the truth, after all.

“My family's been here awhile,” Chase said. He gave a small smile and adjusted his glasses. “My ancestors kept records of what happened. I can show them to you, if you want.”

Jack nodded and grinned.

“Show the way, hero!” he said, with a wide, sweeping gesture of his arm.

Chase tried to ignore how his smile didn't reach his eyes.


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Wed Dec 30, 2020 3:46 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again Mage <3 Looks like Chase has some explaining to do here! I thought this was a pretty interesting chapter. You seem to have developed quite a bit of lore surrounding the town, which I appreciate. The structuring of this chapter to show the two sides is also clever and gave me an 'a-ha!' moment while reading.

Characters

Jack seems like a character meant to endear the audience to him. He's very concerned about Chase. He seems quite a selfless person generally.

His frown deepened. Chase had been gushing about the role since he had first decided to audition.

--> Observations like this are a nice way to show that he cares.

Chase comes across as a bit angsty in this scene, if only because he has a ~mysterious secret~ we won't get to find out about until following chapters. From what I can tell, he seems somewhat more put together than Jack is? At least on the surface, with him "checking his appearance".

He had told himself it in the mirror that morning when he was checking his appearance.


So far, Jack and Chase are characters we've only heard about from the points of view of others, and they always seem to be described as a single unit. This chapter could be a great opportunity to develop them more as individuals, I think. Even though they are paired off together, and maybe even because of that, I would have liked to see more of their differences highlighted here. Do their differences complement each other? If so, how? As a reader, I think that would help me get more invested in their relationship.

Plot

Again, the previous chapter builds up well to this one, where it seems like some "big reveal" is about to take place. We find out a lot we didn't know before as well, with Jack elaborating on the town's history and the role of witches.

I think there might be a need to watch out for too much 'telling', since some of this chapter is expository.

It was the kind of story they would have made when they were kids, after all. A valiant hero saves the day, rescues the damsel in distress and gets a happily ever after.

--> There might be a way to convey this outside of Jack's internal narration and observations, for instance.

Making the initial focus to be Jack's plan to confess his feelings was a good decision, I think, as it frames the scene as an 'action' piece. Maybe there's a subtler way to try and weave in the exposition within the action? I was thinking you could somehow have Jack commentate on his favourite parts of the play, like a fan gushing at the actor. You kind of did that with the following quote, but I'd love to see more :D

" . . . The valiant hero, played by the equally valiant Chase Alden-” Here Jack paused, giving Chase a wink that made Chase's heart skip a beat. “-worked with a witch to seal the demons away for good."


Maybe rephrasing it to move away from that narrative tone of voice might be good as well? Something like "oh I love the part where you work together with the witch and you fight the demons and you win" (excuse my poor dialogue writing skills haha).

Setting

He would take Chase out to celebrate at the local diner. They would get a table somewhere in the back. Jack was hoping for a booth, but he wouldn't be picky.


I like how this bit of internal monologue works to establish the setting. For someone who's on the Internet a lot/ watches movies, I guess a diner isn't hard to imagine, since it's quite a staple setting in American media. I suppose if you're trying to appeal to an international audience, or just trying to work more details in for flavour, it might be interesting to describe it more? It might also be cool to describe if there are other customers or passers-by around and what they are are doing. Right now it seems almost as though only Chase, Jack and the waitress are in the diner.

Style

Jack had been planning this moment for a long time.
He would take Chase out to celebrate at the local diner. They would get a table somewhere in the back. Jack was hoping for a booth, but he wouldn't be picky. They'd order their usual meals, and then they'd chat for a little bit. Jack would congratulate Chase on once again getting the lead role in the town's newest play. Chase would get flustered, as per usual. And then Jack would finally get the courage to tell him how he felt.


Chase had been planning this moment for a long time.
Jack would take him out to celebrate at the local diner. Chase never was sure what role he would get, but he knew that Jack would always want to celebrate. They would order their usual meals and desserts. Jack would congratulate him. And then Chase would finally muster the courage to tell Jack his deepest, darkest secret.


The parallel structure of this scene, only to reveal that Chase has also been 'planning something' is a really neat way to frame it, I think. One concern I have is that (while I get the need for parallels) their observations of things seem almost too similar? I've highlighted some parts where you could potentially make Jack's view of things more different from Chase's, not only to distinguish their points of view, but also develop their personalities as individuals more.

Miscelleaneous

he needed to slay the beast that was plaguing his best friend.
<-- While I appreciate the intensity of Jack's emotion here, I found this expression a bit melodramatic, especially since Chase only seems to be secretive/troubled here, not obviously in big danger.

Chase tried to ignore how his smile didn't reach his eyes.
<-- Hmm not going to lie, I thought this bit was a bit cheesy, especially for an ending line. Maybe describing the setting to reflect the emotion here would be a bit more subtle?

took a long, forlorn sip of his milkshake
<-- Great expression!

No one trusted her – not even her fellow witches.
<-- Ooh, I wonder why? Is it because she helped the same people who persecuted them?

That's all

Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3

Cheers,
-Lim




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Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:59 am
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hello Magebird,

Jack had been planning this moment for a long time.


I went into this chapter pretty sure I was getting Jack's POV, so this made me smile.

Usually I dislike stories that jump around POV but your characters are distinct enough that I really don't mind at all. Also it lends itself well to the teen fiction / supernatural genre.

And then Jack would finally get the courage to tell him how he felt.


Oh my god. I'm so nervous. Brilliant job evoking that emotion.

Jack stared at Chase's half-eaten meal, too, hoping that something in the burger and fries would give away whatever secret Chase was hiding. Thoughts of confessing his feelings were forgotten; right now, he needed to slay the beast that was plaguing his best friend.


This was so cute. Putting aside his feelings to make sure Chase is okay. Love it. But grr, I wanted the confession. Good job dangling that in front of me and snatching it away. Now I have to read on, of course.

“Chase,” Jack said. “I don't know what's going on, but please let me help you. You're upset about something, and I hate when you're upset. Because then I get upset, which isn't helpful at all.”


Rewinding just a bit, though. This dialogue was just slightly over the top. Like, bordering on obsessive. Which is fine, but it makes his feelings so painfully obvious that there's almost no point in the confession. Unless Chase is THAT oblivious.

On to scene two, then. I see you like your chapters to have two scenes. Who doesn't appreciate consistency?

Chase had been planning this moment for a long time.

Jack would take him out to celebrate at the local diner. Chase never was sure what role he would get, but he knew that Jack would always want to celebrate. They would order their usual meals and desserts. Jack would congratulate him. And then Chase would finally muster the courage to tell Jack his deepest, darkest secret.


I loved this symmetry. It was so funny. And I get the very unfortunate feeling that Chase's secret is very different to Jack's haha. Brilliant job.

giving Chase a wink that made Chase's heart skip a beat


Oh so their feelings are mutual, then. So are we doing the storyline where two people like each other but neither wants to make the first move? That's going to be painful haha. I already ship this.

Your mom's a mechanic, and your dad owns the flower shop.


I cannot express in words how much I entirely love this with all my heart.

“Show the way, hero!” he said, with a wide, sweeping gesture of his arm.

Chase tried to ignore how his smile didn't reach his eyes.


Nice link back to Jack's plan being derailed.

---

Well that's the end of chapter four. Same sentiments as before. Great characterisation, smooth pacing, an overall engaging, easy read. I like that we're slowly stepping into the overall conflict now, the town's backstory. I think the town's story could've been better executed. It wasn't particularly intriguing. Actually, the only part I found intriguing was that Chase knew more parts to the story than anyone else. But the story itself needed more oomph, let's say. Actually, I think what might help is if as a reader I already knew the town's story going into this, so that when Chase started contradicting it, I felt the significance of him doing so as much as Jack did.

You're a really talented writer. You know exactly what you're setting up and you're doing it well. You're creating distinct characters with their own storylines and it all feels very intentional. Nothing feels thrown in or out of place. Kudos.

I expect tags going forward, please & ty.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


Thank you for reviewing this chapter - and this entire story! I'm really grateful for your insight. <3 <3

I went into this chapter pretty sure I was getting Jack's POV, so this made me smile.

Usually I dislike stories that jump around POV but your characters are distinct enough that I really don't mind at all. Also it lends itself well to the teen fiction / supernatural genre.


Thanks! I wouldn't say it's exactly like Stranger Things, but I think the plot of this story lends itself well to a large cast that frequently switches perspective. As of right now, I think there's three "pairs" that the story revolves around: Kody and Freddy, Sabrina and Mary, and Jack and Chase. Each one has a different role in the story, so I'm hoping that the POV switches continue to keep you engaged. :)

This was so cute. Putting aside his feelings to make sure Chase is okay. Love it. But grr, I wanted the confession. Good job dangling that in front of me and snatching it away. Now I have to read on, of course.


Thanks! :) I have no idea if you're familiar with Sanders Sides, but the dream that inspired this book weirdly involved some of the characters. Jack is lowkey inspired by Roman in that series. Roman's very much the prince character who slays monsters type, so I thought it would be a fun nod to his inspiration. :)

Rewinding just a bit, though. This dialogue was just slightly over the top. Like, bordering on obsessive. Which is fine, but it makes his feelings so painfully obvious that there's almost no point in the confession. Unless Chase is THAT oblivious.


I'll probably have to tone that back in rewrites, but I definitely think the two of them are on the oblivious side. :P Plus, as the next section probably revealed, Chase was a little distracted - so the comment would have likely gone completely over his head.

I loved this symmetry. It was so funny. And I get the very unfortunate feeling that Chase's secret is very different to Jack's haha. Brilliant job.


Thanks! :)

Oh so their feelings are mutual, then. So are we doing the storyline where two people like each other but neither wants to make the first move? That's going to be painful haha. I already ship this.


Yup! :)

I cannot express in words how much I entirely love this with all my heart.


Thanks! You know they're close when Jack can remember what Chase's family does for a living. :P

Nice link back to Jack's plan being derailed.


Thanks! :)

I think the town's story could've been better executed. It wasn't particularly intriguing. Actually, the only part I found intriguing was that Chase knew more parts to the story than anyone else. But the story itself needed more oomph, let's say. Actually, I think what might help is if as a reader I already knew the town's story going into this, so that when Chase started contradicting it, I felt the significance of him doing so as much as Jack did.


Would a prologue help with that? I think part of the problem with this chapter was that I didn't really know the story when I was writing it, but I've thankfully fleshed it out more since February. It would probably be a snippet of some kind of historical account of what happened - rather than the actual action.

(Because revealing that early on might lead to spoilers~)

You're a really talented writer. You know exactly what you're setting up and you're doing it well. You're creating distinct characters with their own storylines and it all feels very intentional. Nothing feels thrown in or out of place. Kudos.

I expect tags going forward, please & ty.


Thank you so much! I'd be happy to tag you. <3 I can't promise that the chapters will be coming out any time in the near future, but I'll let you know whenever I have a new one up. Hopefully, they live up to your expectations!



Mageheart says...


Thank you for reviewing this chapter - and this entire story! I'm really grateful for your insight. <3 <3

I went into this chapter pretty sure I was getting Jack's POV, so this made me smile.

Usually I dislike stories that jump around POV but your characters are distinct enough that I really don't mind at all. Also it lends itself well to the teen fiction / supernatural genre.


Thanks! I wouldn't say it's exactly like Stranger Things, but I think the plot of this story lends itself well to a large cast that frequently switches perspective. As of right now, I think there's three "pairs" that the story revolves around: Kody and Freddy, Sabrina and Mary, and Jack and Chase. Each one has a different role in the story, so I'm hoping that the POV switches continue to keep you engaged. :)

This was so cute. Putting aside his feelings to make sure Chase is okay. Love it. But grr, I wanted the confession. Good job dangling that in front of me and snatching it away. Now I have to read on, of course.


Thanks! :) I have no idea if you're familiar with Sanders Sides, but the dream that inspired this book weirdly involved some of the characters. Jack is lowkey inspired by Roman in that series. Roman's very much the prince character who slays monsters type, so I thought it would be a fun nod to his inspiration. :)

Rewinding just a bit, though. This dialogue was just slightly over the top. Like, bordering on obsessive. Which is fine, but it makes his feelings so painfully obvious that there's almost no point in the confession. Unless Chase is THAT oblivious.


I'll probably have to tone that back in rewrites, but I definitely think the two of them are on the oblivious side. :P Plus, as the next section probably revealed, Chase was a little distracted - so the comment would have likely gone completely over his head.

I loved this symmetry. It was so funny. And I get the very unfortunate feeling that Chase's secret is very different to Jack's haha. Brilliant job.


Thanks! :)

Oh so their feelings are mutual, then. So are we doing the storyline where two people like each other but neither wants to make the first move? That's going to be painful haha. I already ship this.


Yup! :)

I cannot express in words how much I entirely love this with all my heart.


Thanks! You know they're close when Jack can remember what Chase's family does for a living. :P

Nice link back to Jack's plan being derailed.


Thanks! :)

I think the town's story could've been better executed. It wasn't particularly intriguing. Actually, the only part I found intriguing was that Chase knew more parts to the story than anyone else. But the story itself needed more oomph, let's say. Actually, I think what might help is if as a reader I already knew the town's story going into this, so that when Chase started contradicting it, I felt the significance of him doing so as much as Jack did.


Would a prologue help with that? I think part of the problem with this chapter was that I didn't really know the story when I was writing it, but I've thankfully fleshed it out more since February. It would probably be a snippet of some kind of historical account of what happened - rather than the actual action.

(Because revealing that early on might lead to spoilers~)

You're a really talented writer. You know exactly what you're setting up and you're doing it well. You're creating distinct characters with their own storylines and it all feels very intentional. Nothing feels thrown in or out of place. Kudos.

I expect tags going forward, please & ty.


Thank you so much! I'd be happy to tag you. <3 I can't promise that the chapters will be coming out any time in the near future, but I'll let you know whenever I have a new one up. Hopefully, they live up to your expectations!




we went from advice to meth real quick
— ShadowVyper