Hi again Mage <3 Looks like Chase has some explaining to do here! I thought this was a pretty interesting chapter. You seem to have developed quite a bit of lore surrounding the town, which I appreciate. The structuring of this chapter to show the two sides is also clever and gave me an 'a-ha!' moment while reading.
Characters
Jack seems like a character meant to endear the audience to him. He's very concerned about Chase. He seems quite a selfless person generally.
His frown deepened. Chase had been gushing about the role since he had first decided to audition.
--> Observations like this are a nice way to show that he cares.
Chase comes across as a bit angsty in this scene, if only because he has a ~mysterious secret~ we won't get to find out about until following chapters. From what I can tell, he seems somewhat more put together than Jack is? At least on the surface, with him "checking his appearance".
He had told himself it in the mirror that morning when he was checking his appearance.
So far, Jack and Chase are characters we've only heard about from the points of view of others, and they always seem to be described as a single unit. This chapter could be a great opportunity to develop them more as individuals, I think. Even though they are paired off together, and maybe even because of that, I would have liked to see more of their differences highlighted here. Do their differences complement each other? If so, how? As a reader, I think that would help me get more invested in their relationship.
Plot
Again, the previous chapter builds up well to this one, where it seems like some "big reveal" is about to take place. We find out a lot we didn't know before as well, with Jack elaborating on the town's history and the role of witches.
I think there might be a need to watch out for too much 'telling', since some of this chapter is expository.
It was the kind of story they would have made when they were kids, after all. A valiant hero saves the day, rescues the damsel in distress and gets a happily ever after.
--> There might be a way to convey this outside of Jack's internal narration and observations, for instance.
Making the initial focus to be Jack's plan to confess his feelings was a good decision, I think, as it frames the scene as an 'action' piece. Maybe there's a subtler way to try and weave in the exposition within the action? I was thinking you could somehow have Jack commentate on his favourite parts of the play, like a fan gushing at the actor. You kind of did that with the following quote, but I'd love to see more
" . . . The valiant hero, played by the equally valiant Chase Alden-” Here Jack paused, giving Chase a wink that made Chase's heart skip a beat. “-worked with a witch to seal the demons away for good."
Maybe rephrasing it to move away from that narrative tone of voice might be good as well? Something like "oh I love the part where you work together with the witch and you fight the demons and you win" (excuse my poor dialogue writing skills haha).
Setting
He would take Chase out to celebrate at the local diner. They would get a table somewhere in the back. Jack was hoping for a booth, but he wouldn't be picky.
I like how this bit of internal monologue works to establish the setting. For someone who's on the Internet a lot/ watches movies, I guess a diner isn't hard to imagine, since it's quite a staple setting in American media. I suppose if you're trying to appeal to an international audience, or just trying to work more details in for flavour, it might be interesting to describe it more? It might also be cool to describe if there are other customers or passers-by around and what they are are doing. Right now it seems almost as though only Chase, Jack and the waitress are in the diner.
Style
Jack had been planning this moment for a long time.
He would take Chase out to celebrate at the local diner. They would get a table somewhere in the back. Jack was hoping for a booth, but he wouldn't be picky. They'd order their usual meals, and then they'd chat for a little bit. Jack would congratulate Chase on once again getting the lead role in the town's newest play. Chase would get flustered, as per usual. And then Jack would finally get the courage to tell him how he felt.
Chase had been planning this moment for a long time.
Jack would take him out to celebrate at the local diner. Chase never was sure what role he would get, but he knew that Jack would always want to celebrate. They would order their usual meals and desserts. Jack would congratulate him. And then Chase would finally muster the courage to tell Jack his deepest, darkest secret.
The parallel structure of this scene, only to reveal that Chase has also been 'planning something' is a really neat way to frame it, I think. One concern I have is that (while I get the need for parallels) their observations of things seem almost too similar? I've highlighted some parts where you could potentially make Jack's view of things more different from Chase's, not only to distinguish their points of view, but also develop their personalities as individuals more.
Miscelleaneous
<-- While I appreciate the intensity of Jack's emotion here, I found this expression a bit melodramatic, especially since Chase only seems to be secretive/troubled here, not obviously in big danger.he needed to slay the beast that was plaguing his best friend.
<-- Hmm not going to lie, I thought this bit was a bit cheesy, especially for an ending line. Maybe describing the setting to reflect the emotion here would be a bit more subtle?Chase tried to ignore how his smile didn't reach his eyes.
<-- Great expression!took a long, forlorn sip of his milkshake
<-- Ooh, I wonder why? Is it because she helped the same people who persecuted them?No one trusted her – not even her fellow witches.
That's all
Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3
Cheers,
-Lim
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