z

Young Writers Society



The Witch's Return [2]

by Mageheart


Chapter 2

Freddy's plans for the summer had never involved Wildegate, Connecticut. Said plans had actually involved going to the local con, working on some new cosplays, and maybe making a new friend or two. All in all, she just wanted a chance to be normal.

But the reason for going all the way to Wildegate wasn't normal, and neither was living with her grandmother. The woman had dragged her to church the very first day that she had arrived. Freddy had been betting on that, but she still had hoped that she would get a welcoming party. If not that, she would have just liked a calm evening at home.

Instead, she was shown around the church like she was some kind of oddity. Maybe she was. She didn't even believe in the big guy up there, and any talk about angels made her cringe. Her grandmother understandably saw her as a summer project. If her grandmother could send her back to Kansas with some good Christian morals and virtues, then she had done her service to the church.

So Freddy, naturally, bailed the very first thing the next morning.

Freddy was a master of sneaking out. And sneaking in. Her mom hated both of those skills, even though she had learned it all from her. She had grown up watching her mom slip in and out of meetings without anyone eves batting an eye – despite her mom being the most important person in the room at any given time.

She didn't even go through the creaky front door. She doubted her grandmother would have slept lightly enough to hear something like that, but she wasn't going to take risks. She slipped out through her window and into the streets below, wearing an outfit her grandmother definitely wouldn't approve of.

She eventually found her way to Spooktober. She had seen it on the way in. She had tried getting the chauffeur to stop, but orders were orders. Whatever. She'd get to do this on her own time now, no matter what anyone said.

She wandered around the aisles for a bit before she found the collection of wigs. She wasn't really sure who she wanted to cosplay next. She had just done a Disney one. She didn't feel like doing another. But one of the red wigs did make her think of Ariel, so she wasn't ruling it off the table.

Then Kody had shown up.

Seeing Kody made her feel like she was back in her home. He'd fit in perfectly there, with his odd outfit and sudden appearance. And while she was a little suspicious that Mom had sent someone to keep an eye on her, it seemed like Kody was legit.

“So,” he said, pulling his hand away, “you never answered my questions.”

She raised a hand and twirled a strand of white hair around her finger.

“The dye's homemade, and the eyes are natural.”

The twirling stopped. He was studying her, again. He had done that when she had first noticed him. She admittedly was doing the same, but something about the way he looked at her was different. He was trying to find a different explanation for her behavior than she was for his.

She held her head high and looked him right in the eyes.

“Those aren't contacts?” he slowly asked.

She nodded.

“They look like contacts,” he said.

“They're not,” was the quick reply. “Trust me. I know my own eyes better than you do. What are you even doing in here, anyways? It's not Halloween.”

Kody gave a smirk. “I could be asking you the same question.”

“Well, I asked you first.”

He raised an eyebrow, but he didn't protest further. “I like window shopping here. You?”

There was a lie there. Kody, as it seemed, wasn't that good of a liar. He wasn't even making eye contact as he spoke – instead, he was staring at the dye on the shelf next to him.

Two could play at that game.

“It reminds me of home,” she said.

He glanced over at her. “I didn't expect that one.”

She shrugged. “Truth is often stranger than fiction.”

“Since when was fiction involved in this?”

She faltered.

He couldn't have just figured out that she wasn't telling the entire truth, could he? She was good at lying. Her mom and all of her many workers had taught her the ins and outs of it. Some kid from some rural town in some forgotten state wasn't going to figure her out with only a single lie.

Kody grinned.

He was the victor of a game he wasn't even supposed to know about.

“I know what you are,” he said.

“Was that a Twilight reference?” she asked.

Now it was Kody that faltered. “...Not intentionally, but yes?”

There was an awkward pause.

He coughed, leaning back up against the shelf.

“I know what you are,” he repeated. Maybe she was wrong in her initial assessment. Maybe Kody wasn't sent by her mom. Maybe Kody was sent by someone else. Someone who really shouldn't have been chatting with her away from the safety of someone other than the store's owner.

She curled her hands up into fists.

“I think you're a cosplayer.”

Her hands relaxed.

Tilting her head to the side, she somehow managed to find her voice. “I thought you'd never guess. What gave it away?”

He grinned.

“Takes one to know one,” he said. “And this store is the perfect place to get materials.”

She looked him over.

Kody didn't look like he knew a thing about cosplaying. His outfit was downright bizarre given the weather outside, and he didn't even have any supplies in his hands. Still, there was the chance that Kody was telling the truth now. If she was dealing with another cosplayer, she wouldn't want to ruin their chances at some kind of friendship.

“What do you cosplay?” she asked.

“Whatever comes to mind,” he replied. “I try to change it up. I have to keep it interesting for my subscribers.”

She looked him over again.

“...You have a YouTube channel?”

From the look on his face, Freddy had the sneaking suspicion that he hadn't meant to admit that. He was glancing away from her again. Earlier, she had thought he was just a bad liar, but it was beginning to look like he was just terrified of admitting the truth.

Interesting.

“I post mostly on Instagram,” she said. “I don't really get how YouTube works.”

Kody suddenly straightened. He had a glint to his green eyes – green like the forests surrounding this forgotten town – that she couldn't quite describe. “I don't really get how Instagram works,” he admitted. “But I think you can help me with that.”

She raised an eyebrow. “How?”

He grinned. “I teach you how to use YouTube, and you teach me how to use Instagram. You want to expand your fan base, right? Having multiple platforms lets you reach more people.”

Freddy was suddenly reminded of the last conversation she had with her mom before she came here. Her mom really didn't want her to go, but she had relented when she realized how important it was for her. They had been sitting on the bed of Freddy's bedroom when she reminded her of her legacy: deals were something that she'd have to practice making.

And here Kody was, offering her one without any prompting.

“It's a deal,” she said.

She stuck out her hand.

He stared at it like he had earlier. But, this time around, there was barely any wait – he grabbed onto it and gave it an eager shake. The air grew hot and heavy for the briefest of moments.

Kody, dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans on an already hot day, didn't even seem to notice.

He drew his hand back.

“Are you free right now?” he asked. “I'm bored out of my mind, and I could show you my collection of cosplays – if you're interested.”

She gave him a smile of her own. “That sounds great.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
154 Reviews


Points: 10017
Reviews: 154

Donate
Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:06 am
View Likes
Zoom wrote a review...



Hello Magebird

As promised, back immediately for chapter 2.

Freddy's plans for the summer had never involved Wildegate, Connecticut. Said plans had actually involved going to the local con, working on some new cosplays, and maybe making a new friend or two. All in all, she just wanted a chance to be normal.

But the reason for going all the way to Wildegate wasn't normal, and neither was living with her grandmother. The woman had dragged her to church the very first day that she had arrived. Freddy had been betting on that, but she still had hoped that she would get a welcoming party. If not that, she would have just liked a calm evening at home.

Instead, she was shown around the church like she was some kind of oddity. Maybe she was. She didn't even believe in the big guy up there, and any talk about angels made her cringe. Her grandmother understandably saw her as a summer project. If her grandmother could send her back to Kansas with some good Christian morals and virtues, then she had done her service to the church.

So Freddy, naturally, bailed the very first thing the next morning.

Freddy was a master of sneaking out. And sneaking in. Her mom hated both of those skills, even though she had learned it all from her. She had grown up watching her mom slip in and out of meetings without anyone eves batting an eye – despite her mom being the most important person in the room at any given time.

She didn't even go through the creaky front door. She doubted her grandmother would have slept lightly enough to hear something like that, but she wasn't going to take risks. She slipped out through her window and into the streets below, wearing an outfit her grandmother definitely wouldn't approve of.


There are things I like and dislike about this chapter opening. I like that you set up the dynamics between Freddy and her grandmother. That seems to be where your talents lie: whipping up fast character development. Fantastic skill to have.

What I'm unsure about is how well these opening few paragraphs are executed. Generally, when I'm reading a story I want to get into the scenes, the action and dialogue, the things that are actually happening. And I want to spend the least time possible being narrated to, being handed information.

I think you did a good job with the first three paragraphs, that was about all we needed to give us sense of place and tone. And then when you capped it off with the line in bold I thought it was a brilliant device to kickstart the scene and inject excitement into the story after some exposition.

But then immediately after this standalone line, you go right back to exposition, and the pacing fell flat. You return to telling. Telling us that Freddy is a master of sneaking out -- that was your opportunity to show us this character development. I suggest to cut paragraph 5 for this reason.

Also, sidenote: you characterise her as a master of sneaking out but she only went through a window. You promised a fun sneak out sequence but didn't really deliver on that.

Seeing Kody made her feel like she was back in her home. He'd fit in perfectly there, with his odd outfit and sudden appearance. And while she was a little suspicious that Mom had sent someone to keep an eye on her, it seemed like Kody was legit.


I like the intrigue you're building here. You're being suggestive about her backstory but with just the right amount of detail so that you're not killing the mystery.

---

I reached the end of chapter 2 without much more to say. I liked that you skipped over their conversation but I think you should be a bit smoother about that omitted time.

I think you did a good job offering something new with the POV switch. Most often when I see POV switching, the new POV offers nothing of value, but in this case, her initial suspicions of who Kody might be let us see this conversation from a different angle. If anything I think you should play on that more. You should capitalise on Freddy's initial concern that Kody was planted by Freddy's mother, and play that off against Freddy's desire to make friends. So, should she allow her suspicions to ruin her chance of friendship? It would make a more interesting inner conflict and add more intrigue to her POV, while also delivering backstory in a natural way.

That's all for chapter 2 - moving on.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! I've hopefully gotten better with showing vs. telling since I last wrote this story, but I really appreciate you pointing it out here. It's good to know going forward with my writing as a whole. I was actually wondering how I could flesh this chapter out more after I resdiscovered it on my computer. Your review gave me exactly the direction I needed for that. Thank you so much! :)

Also, I'm glad that I didn't kill the mystery with Freddy! I was worried about being too vague in this chapter, but it looks like those fears were unfounded. :)



User avatar
158 Reviews


Points: 6160
Reviews: 158

Donate
Sun Dec 27, 2020 8:30 pm
View Likes
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey Mage!

I'm back for the second Chapter. This one gives a closer view to Freddy's side of the story. At first I had this impression that she might be to too reserved or introvert. In fact she does seem to be like any other teenager who's just looking for an escape. But she sure appears to be smarter and I do get a feeling like she's does have some deep secrets of her own. Finegrs crossed

If her grandmother could send her back to Kansas with some good Christian morals and virtues, then she had done her service to the church.

Haha, every grandmother's wish. Trying to get as much of moral and religious values in their grand kids xD I liked details about her mom as well. It looks Freddy has gotten all the skills from her :P

That Twilight reference by Kody did feel a bit dramatic but I guess that's how his character is.
He does seem to be a very loving and innocent character so far.

Maybe Kody was sent by someone else. Someone who really shouldn't have been chatting with her away from the safety of someone other than the store's owner.

This does raise some eyebrows on Freddy. I think this is something what the reader's should look for in the coming chaps. There's definitely something Freddy doesn't want Kody to know that's why she had such a reaction.

Kody and Freddy got easily together just after this short encounter. I hope their friendship goes a long way in the story. I'm really excited to see more into the story and find about new characters. So I will definitely be going for next chapter very soon. Until then, all the best.

Keep writing :D




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! I wasn't able to reply to it yesterday, but it made me eager to write more of this story. It was neat seeing how you reacted to everything that happened in this chapter. :)

That Twilight reference by Kody did feel a bit dramatic but I guess that's how his character is.
He does seem to be a very loving and innocent character so far.


Thank you! He really is a sweet kid, but he has questionable social skills and usually puts people off. Freddy's reaction to him isn't all that bizarre, but the reason for it is. :P

This does raise some eyebrows on Freddy. I think this is something what the reader's should look for in the coming chaps. There's definitely something Freddy doesn't want Kody to know that's why she had such a reaction.


;)

Kody and Freddy got easily together just after this short encounter. I hope their friendship goes a long way in the story. I'm really excited to see more into the story and find about new characters. So I will definitely be going for next chapter very soon. Until then, all the best.


Me too! This story was actually based on a dream I had, and their cosplaying friendship was one of the things I really loved about that dream. It just felt so real and vivid at the time - and I'm glad I'm doing a good job conveying it now. <3



User avatar
160 Reviews


Points: 12700
Reviews: 160

Donate
Sun Dec 27, 2020 4:14 pm
View Likes
Valkyria wrote a review...



Hi, Mage:

Happy Review Day!

My initial guess is that Freddy is a witch. Or that she's the witch that the title refers to.

She had to practice making deals...the air grows hot and heavy. Her eyes are naturally gold.

All in all, she just wanted a chance to be normal.


Hmm. That raises some flags about her true identity.

I always thought that deals were a demon thing, but, maybe witches made deals too in old stories.

From the look on his face, Freddy had the sneaking suspicion that he hadn't meant to admit that. He was glancing away from her again. Earlier, she had thought he was just a bad liar, but it was beginning to look like he was just terrified of admitting the truth.

Interesting.


I wouldn't call that discovery interesting. Unless Kody didn't like to admit that he was a cosplayer. Yeah, that's probably it...

Overall, we got more insight into another character and the start of their friendship. I'm excited to continue reading!




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! :)

I won't say if your guesses on Freddy are right, but I love reading your thought process. I hope the future chapters keep you engaged and asking questions! <3



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 1137
Reviews: 10

Donate
Tue Dec 15, 2020 1:59 am
View Likes
Calandra wrote a review...



Greetings once again.

"She had grown up watching her mom slip in and out of meetings without anyone eves batting an eye – despite her mom being the most important person in the room at any given time" is a little bit wordy. I don't know any ways to cut it down that'd still keep it similar, and I'm unsure how to split it into two, but it was kind of hard to read.

"Maybe she was wrong in her initial assessment. Maybe Kody wasn't sent by her mom. Maybe Kody was sent by someone else" is a tad bit monotonous. Since they're all the same length and begin the same way, it doesn't feel lively and is repetitive.

I saw the question about interactions between characters. I think they're pretty realistic. I can picture them happening and not seeming like one person talking to themselves. I also love the social media chat that happened. It was wholesome in a way. I don't know if it was meant to be, but I got that vibe.

"Truth is often stranger than fiction" sounds familiar to me. It's like the Mark Twain quote "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."

Kody's name has been red-underlined, so in future reviews, he'll just be K.

Calandra




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! :)

I appreciate you pointing out the awkward parts of this chapter. Like the author's note at the beginning of the last one said, this was something I wrote ten months ago. It's definitely a little on the unpolished side. :P It's also good to know what I need to avoid when writing future chapters!

I don't think the social media chat was originally meant to be wholesome, but I'm glad you saw it that way! I really want Freddy and Kody to become friends during the story, so that conversation (as well as the cosplay one) was the start to their friendship.




"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar