Hello Magebird
As promised, back immediately for chapter 2.
Freddy's plans for the summer had never involved Wildegate, Connecticut. Said plans had actually involved going to the local con, working on some new cosplays, and maybe making a new friend or two. All in all, she just wanted a chance to be normal.
But the reason for going all the way to Wildegate wasn't normal, and neither was living with her grandmother. The woman had dragged her to church the very first day that she had arrived. Freddy had been betting on that, but she still had hoped that she would get a welcoming party. If not that, she would have just liked a calm evening at home.
Instead, she was shown around the church like she was some kind of oddity. Maybe she was. She didn't even believe in the big guy up there, and any talk about angels made her cringe. Her grandmother understandably saw her as a summer project. If her grandmother could send her back to Kansas with some good Christian morals and virtues, then she had done her service to the church.
So Freddy, naturally, bailed the very first thing the next morning.
Freddy was a master of sneaking out. And sneaking in. Her mom hated both of those skills, even though she had learned it all from her. She had grown up watching her mom slip in and out of meetings without anyone eves batting an eye – despite her mom being the most important person in the room at any given time.
She didn't even go through the creaky front door. She doubted her grandmother would have slept lightly enough to hear something like that, but she wasn't going to take risks. She slipped out through her window and into the streets below, wearing an outfit her grandmother definitely wouldn't approve of.
There are things I like and dislike about this chapter opening. I like that you set up the dynamics between Freddy and her grandmother. That seems to be where your talents lie: whipping up fast character development. Fantastic skill to have.
What I'm unsure about is how well these opening few paragraphs are executed. Generally, when I'm reading a story I want to get into the scenes, the action and dialogue, the things that are actually happening. And I want to spend the least time possible being narrated to, being handed information.
I think you did a good job with the first three paragraphs, that was about all we needed to give us sense of place and tone. And then when you capped it off with the line in bold I thought it was a brilliant device to kickstart the scene and inject excitement into the story after some exposition.
But then immediately after this standalone line, you go right back to exposition, and the pacing fell flat. You return to telling. Telling us that Freddy is a master of sneaking out -- that was your opportunity to show us this character development. I suggest to cut paragraph 5 for this reason.
Also, sidenote: you characterise her as a master of sneaking out but she only went through a window. You promised a fun sneak out sequence but didn't really deliver on that.
Seeing Kody made her feel like she was back in her home. He'd fit in perfectly there, with his odd outfit and sudden appearance. And while she was a little suspicious that Mom had sent someone to keep an eye on her, it seemed like Kody was legit.
I like the intrigue you're building here. You're being suggestive about her backstory but with just the right amount of detail so that you're not killing the mystery.
---
I reached the end of chapter 2 without much more to say. I liked that you skipped over their conversation but I think you should be a bit smoother about that omitted time.
I think you did a good job offering something new with the POV switch. Most often when I see POV switching, the new POV offers nothing of value, but in this case, her initial suspicions of who Kody might be let us see this conversation from a different angle. If anything I think you should play on that more. You should capitalise on Freddy's initial concern that Kody was planted by Freddy's mother, and play that off against Freddy's desire to make friends. So, should she allow her suspicions to ruin her chance of friendship? It would make a more interesting inner conflict and add more intrigue to her POV, while also delivering backstory in a natural way.
That's all for chapter 2 - moving on.
-Zoom
Points: 10017
Reviews: 154
Donate