This poem is out of my journal again. I mean to offend anyone if it does I'm sorry.
Just Come Home
Please tell me why?
Why have you fought for so long?
Don't you know fighting only makes it worse?
The worst part is you didn't even start it.
Haven't enough died already?
I fear everyday that you might be next
I know it's hard for you
I thank God for giving me to you
But, he knows I don't want to lose you
I want you here warm in your home
Not there in the cold war
Bombs going off in every direction
As you run for shelter I bet you cry
Please Daddy do it for me
I won't call you a coward or trader
I'll call you what you are; my father
I want you here with me
watching me as I grow
So I ask again, please
Just Come Home
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey Jay!
This is a hard subject to write about, I guess. It's controversial, but you've captured the emotions that I'm sure a lot of children would feel in the situation. So that's good. You have a nice rhythm, it flows well, and you've written about this with some sort of reality in it that I like.
~Amy
I actually liked that line a lot, but that's just me.
trader = traitor
but that was the only nitpick I saw.
Great rhythm and flow, and and great job overall, this really felt like something a son would say to his father.
keep writing,
Empress
Mage!
Okay:
So this is the only thing that set me off (haha). You are asking him to come home because you don't want him to die, but I don't think this question fits. He has no choice on this. I don't know, maybe the narrator doesn't want their father to die, so that is why you asked this question. Maybe they were just venting. Who knows? Just wanted to state my opinion.
I loved this Mage. It was so sad, yet so heartfelt and realistic. I felt as if a real child was asking or writing this to his father. Bravo.
~Classy
If I were you, I'd just put these two verses into one. That "please" is not needed here. If you want so much the "please", put a comma behind it so it can be more visible by the reader.
You need a pause...somewhere in this verse. Perhaps a hyphen behind "is"(or instead of "is")?
The comma should be before "but" and also putting a conjunction at the beginning of the verse - try to avoid it. What I'm trying to say here is that the rest point is behind the "but" (you can hear it if you read the verse carefully) even behind the comma.
I can't believe that I didn't notice that you're not using any punctuation besides the question mark.
Please, fell free to do that.
Trader or traitor?
The "caps-a-lot" in the last verse wont help much in understanding all this pain you're going through in this poem.
--
All these questions make me sick, really. You put the question mark even if not needed (eg. in the first verse). I already said something about the punctuation so I guess that is resolved.Please, feel free to PM me if you need anything, even swear at me for being harsh (but I'm telling the truth - I want your poem to be better).
Hi Mage! As you asked, here I am, ready to review.
And a comma, after please, would rock. BUT! No more nit picking by me, I must control myself xD
So, first thing I'd like to warn you, was to watch out for the rhetorical questions in a poem. They can get annoying, and I must be honest to you, I had drawn a conclusion of the poem by the first line. I was ready to assume it would be a whiny poem, just because of the opening line. So, maybe edit?
And now I'd like to point out an awesome thing! In these few, brief lines you made my eyes burn as I truly realized what this was about. It's a beautiful cry, and even if subtle, the emotion is there, and it struck me mostly on the lines:
A little improvement on punctuation would definitely help. Check this out: topic39518.html Hope it helps in that aspect
I think the ending is remarkable, and the poem does not need any extension made. The way you introduce your characters at the end, the fact of being a cry from a daughter to a father, was a smart choice. But, don't capitalize everything on the last line. Even though it doesn't have italics or capitalization, it has enough impact.
So, hope I've helped! Thanks for posting this, and PM me if you have any questions!
- Kat