1.
Before you read further, I just wanted to let you know. I never meant for this to happen. I NEVER wanted things to turn out the way they did. But they did. And there's nothing either of us can do about it now, can we?
Before I tell you my story, let me tell you a bit about myself. My name is Akash "The Sloth" Joshi. You must've guessed by now, what kind of a person I am. But, in case your knowledge of animals is from mediocre to horrible, let me clear that up. I'm Lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy. It's not like I try to be. I just happen to move marginally slower compared to the rest of the human species. It's completely normal. That's what my school councellor told my parents. They see that in a lot of kids. Disinterest in everyday life, blah blah blah. It's just a phase.
Well, this "phase" had lasted four years. Those miserable four years of high school. But that shit was done. IT'S FUCKING OVER, BITCHES. And I was done with it. But I'm going slow, like always. I should speed it up, I guess.
So, school had ended. I was picking up my sister, Dahlia, or 'Dee' for short. As she got into the car, I looked at my school from the window. The building was the same dull grey, built like a prison and surrounded by kids falling out of every door.
"Thank God I never have to come back to this fucking hellhole." I said, giving the building the finger, then realizing that buildings don't have eyes. But what the hell.
"Stop swearing, Akash", she said, loosening her tie.
"What? Don't act like you don't, miss daddy's-good-little-girl", I said, eyes front and hands on wheel. She gave me a look of utter disappointment. I rolled my eyes. After a few minutes of silence except for the sound of the AC, she turned to me.
"So", she said turning slightly in her seat, "I heard there's a party tonight. At Jay's house. you know, the tall guy from your class? Uhm, to celebrate the end of school."
"So?", I asked, already knowing where this was heading.
"So, I was invited, slowpoke. I need a ride. I have no idea where his place is. And none of my other friends are going to be there", she said looking out the window at what appeared to be a wall, but seemed very interesting to her.
"Wait, what? He only invited you? Isn't that a bit shtrange, Dee?" I said, looking at her but she wouldn't meet my eye. "Dee. What's up?"
"What? There's nothing strange about that. He's my friend. He isn't friends with the others, so why would he invite them?"
"Wait, when did you two become friends? Dee, you know that guy's a tool", I said now genuinely concerned.
"No, he's not!" Ugh, just mind your own business. If you don't want to drive me, I'll get another ride." I was was really angry now. I looked ahead.
"Fine."
"Fine"
It wasn't.
2.
It was Friday night -- the night of the party-- about 8 pm. I was eating alone at the table. Everyone was done with their dinner. Such fuckig manners. After finishing I want into my room put on my headphones.
"HEADPHONES!", I shouted so my Mum would know that I was wearing them and I wouldn't hear a thing anyone would say. But I could hear well enough. It was a lie. I turned up the playlist named "FORRR YOUUU, SUCKAA". My friend, Parth, had made it for me on my last birthday. It had many of the songs I liked and he hated. I don't know why we're still friends.
I was reading a John Green book, but soon drifted to sleep.
I woke up to my phone ringing about three hours later. The playlist had finished. I answered the call. It was Parth.
"Duuuuude, you're home? What the fuck are you doing HOME? It's a sick party! You have to come, dude!"
" You're drunk", I said rubbing my eyes and silently cursing at his overuse of the word 'dude'.
"No. Yeah, I am. I'm WASTED. ", which was followed by what sounded like someone throwing up. You know who. I sighed and ended the call. Again, I thoght as a put on a jacket and walked out. I got into my car as silently as I could and drove to Mr. Tool's house. Twenty minutes later, I was at a house which looked decent and would be if only it hadn't been home to a certain dickhead.
I didn't have to walk far to find Parth, wasted on a couch. Through the loud music and people gyrating, I somehow managed to pick him up.
"Come on, let's go home", I said. I was walking to the door when something stopped me. I saw Mr.Tool with his hands around some girl. That was not a shocking thing to see usually, but it was then. Because the girl who was with him was my sister. My little sister, wearing a skimpy dress and make-up which looked like it was done by Nicki Minaj's stylist. I dropped Parth and stomped over.
"Hey!", I said pulling my sister away. "What the hell is going on?" I shoved Jay, which was a pretty miscalculated move, since he was obviously more built than me. But thank God, he was wasted.
"What?!" My sister said. "We were dancing, Akash", she said, pushing me away.
"Sure, you were dancing, but HE was the only one enjoying it!", I said. "Home. Now!", I said heading towards the door. It took me a few seconds to realise that she wasn't behind me. "Dee, I'm serious."
"Just. Ugh, What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"ME?! I'm not the one virtually having sex with Mr. Dirtbag here."
"Stop. Just go. I'm not coming with you", she said taking a step back. "Go, Akash."This time I heard something in her voice. Something which should have made me think. After that she turned and ran into some room. I was going to follow her but I'd had enough of it. If she wanted to screw herself up, let her. I picked up Parth and walked away from the collection of partying people without looking back. She obviously didn't want my help.
She obviously did.
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So, yeah, this is some of it. Please let me know what you think. I will graciously accept any constructive criticism. :)
Hi Madsy!
I thought your story was interesting. Right from the beginning, you have a potentially fantastic opening paragraph by using a dramatic note to the reader. I would have liked to see your story follow in the wake of that opening. I thought it was a little short, and could have been even more effective with the right phrasing. Here%u2019s how I might have written it:
-If you%u2019re reading this, the worst has already taken place. Please hear me out; I never meant for this to happen. I like to think I tried my best to avoid it, but I just don%u2019t know anymore. It should have been obvious. I was blind. I failed you. I don%u2019t even know how to begin making things better%u2026-
Immediately after the opening paragraph, I felt a little let down that it ended there. I think the reader would get a kick out of feeling like they are part of your writing; that somehow they are a character in your story %u2013 either betrayed by you, or brought to ruin alongside you %u2013 and this note was a way of saying sorry and reflecting on what happened, maybe even fixing things.
I don%u2019t mean to say that the way you wrote it is wrong, however. I just thought it was a cool idea you had there, and could be expanded into something wonderful.
You said the spelling errors happened in notepad, so I%u2019m not bothered by that. I think your writing could be even more potent without using the all-capitalized words. If you want to show a thought, idea, or put emphasis on a certain word, I think italics work best.
Instead of telling the reader, try showing them. For example, when you explained the nickname Sloth to us, saying %u201CIn case your knowledge of animals is from mediocre to horrible, let me clear that up%u201D, is something you never want to do in writing. A better way is to assume the reader is as knowledgeable as you are; don%u2019t belittle their intelligence. Try to make your point by showing the reader how lazy you are instead.
Also, there could have been more descriptive writing %u2013 the five senses of sight, taste, smell, touch, and sound; these are very powerful and will draw the reader in.
Other than that, awesome job! I think you%u2019ve got potential, like every other writer out there. All you have to do is believe and practice, practice, practice. I hope my review has been helpful, and I look forward to more writing from you.
Kora
Wow, very well written, it's kind of easy to see that something really bad is going to happen to Dee. I would love to keep reading, this story is very beautifully written, great spelling, great punctuation and very well worded. Theres nothing that I can really say bad about your story, great job and i hope to read more. Great Job and Good Luck.
S.K
So, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this. I've read a lot of chapters written by various authors. Some were good. Other's were terrible. All had to do with the same thing as this. A drama about a girl.
But I was pleasantly surprised. This is well written, with only a few spelling mistakes that I could see. I liked your characters, and thought you made them very realistic. The dialogue was good, as well.
Very nice
Thank you so much
I didn't write this Microsoft Word. I wrote it in Notepad, which is why I didn't notice it. But I will check the errors out. Thank you very, very much though.
The only criticism I have is a few spelling errors. "Such fuckig manners. After finishing I want into my room put on my headphones." *Fucking and the only other one i saw was "Isn't that a bit shtrange, Dee?" I said," *Strange. Other wise this story is amazing so far, I would definatley enjoy reading more. I love the description og how his sisters makeup looked like it was done by Niki Minaj's make up artist! Very vivid picture in my mind. I also like how you keep reminding the reader of his strong dislike for this other guy. I love how this page/chapter ends. With him knowing that in some way his help was wanted by his sister. I would definatley love to read more!(: Good job.
Thank you!
The thing is I wrote this in NotePad which is why I didn't notice any of the errors. But I will check them out.