Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
“So tell me again what happened?” detective Miles Chase asked a victim named Rick.
“I was just eating my sandwich in my kitchen. Then I thought I saw something outside my window and it creeped me out so I went to close the window….then a hung man fell and hit my window. His face had cuts all over his body and his eyes were carved out”
“Ok, and did you know this man” Miles asked. “Not that I can remember” Rick said just staring at his fingers.
“What happened next?” the detective asked. “I closed my blinds and called the cops but when I picked up a voice said Hey Rick...you're next….the voice was so dark and creepy I dropped the phone and ran outside with my keys. I was almost to the car when I saw him...he was standing up against the tree in my front yard sharpening his knife… his eyes were just black holes with the blood down his cheeks…. He had no hair just ghostly white skin…” Rick finished.
“What else happened?” Miles asked. “He looked in my directing and ran at me. I ran down the street as fast as I could and he caught me. Stabbed me...then told me he would be back” Rick finished.
“Wait what??” Miles asked. “He said he would be back… he said not to forget that and that he would call me.” Rick said.
“Ah ok well do you know anything about this...thing in the past” Miles asked. “Yeah… one night at a bar my friends told me about this legend of this thing that was around in like the 20’s and that his dad worked in the mafia. The legend was that the kids stole money from is father and then his dad cut his hair off and cut his eyes out. They said he comes back to get revenge on anyone who tells his story and anyone who hears his story because he wants his story to stay quiet”
“Thats it??” the detective asked. “No, I didn't believe it and a couple days latter the girl who told it to me was found dead with her eyelids cut off and her fingers and toes melted to different parts of her face. The police searched for days but nobody found who it was.” Rick said.
“Yes we have that file here… Sue was here name?” Miles asked looking at the files. “Yes sir” Rick said.
“Ok and the next person...Dan” Miles said looking at another file. “Yeah a couple days after Sue’s death Dan got letters in the mail that was covered in blood and full of needles and small blades. Well when he called the cops it turns out when they tested it it was Dan’s blood. Now this was a lot of blood and Dan had no cuts or any place blood could come out of. One day Dan was not answering calls or texts so I thought he was out. A couple hours the cops called my phone saying it was the last number that called him before he died. They told me…. they told me they found him with his arms in his eye sockets and his legs where his arms where.”
“Ah ok and then there was one more other than the guy found on your window.” Miles said looking at a file. “What” Rick said as he looked up confused.
“Yeah he was found in a vending machine and each snack in the machine had….been replaced by his body parts….” Miles said in disgust.
“Do you know his name?” Rick asked. “Yeah his name was Mark… he was...wow he was your neighbor….the vending machine was…..at your workplace...wait….his picture…” Miles said in disbelief.
Rick’s voice changed to a deep dark tone “Yes detective I skinned the poor fellow alive….too bad...hahaha” Rick scratched his face and skin peeled off to show a pale face that had red streaks under the two pits of where his eyes should be.
“You… you're the killer….what!?!?!” The detective said as he got up and went to the door. “Door is locked detective…” the killer said.
You could hear the cops banging on the one way mirror and on the door. Black smoke filled the room and you could hear screams of Miles. The smoke cleared and Miles lay dead with his skeleton in on spot and everything else in another. The killer sat in the middle of the room in a meditation pose with a dagger in his hand.
The police arrested him into a maximum security prison.
The end….or is it?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Okay, here to make a review. New to this, but I am going to try my best.
First of all, this story was brilliant. It carries: imagination, creativity, and a dash of what readers would want. A good story.
Though, there are some minor adjustments you should consider making. Like realistic descriptions about these characters. Like what color features they held and what they wore, even how tall they were would make a huge difference. Simple stuff like that would be very helpful when placing visions of these characters in the readers mind. Punctuation would be something to work on as well.
And for a future reference, you should follow the example that ArtStyx left behind about separating paragraphs. Not only does it confuse the readers of which character is talking, but it is also disrupting the natural flow of the piece.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this piece it was original and somewhat inspiring. I never figured that the victim would become the true killer in the end. Please update as soon as possible.
Okay, here to make a review. New to this, but I am going to try my best.
First of all, this story was brilliant. It carries: imagination, creativity, and a dash of what readers would want. A good story.
Though, there are some minor adjustments you should consider making. Like realistic descriptions about these characters. Like what color features they held and what they wore, even how tall they were would make a huge difference. Simple stuff like that would be very helpful when placing visions of these characters in the readers mind. Punctuation would be something to work on as well.
And for a future reference, you should follow the example that ArtStyx left behind about separating paragraphs. Not only does it confuse the readers of which character is talking, but it is also disrupting the natural flow of the piece.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this piece it was original and somewhat inspiring. I never figured that the victim would become the true killer in the end. Please update as soon as possible.
The improvements you can make are:
1. Use fewer ellipses. They are mostly for dramatic pauses. Therefore, if too many of them are used, it can interrupt the natural flow of the story and become annoying.
2. Change your paragraphing. Sometimes, I felt as if Miles was answering his own questions. Remember: every time a new character speaks, you should start another paragraph. This clear structure makes it less confusing to read.
For example:
“Hey, Mike,” Gina greeted, draping her arm over his shoulder. “Mind if I borrow your car for, like, a day?”
“No, no, no,” Mike cried as he pulled back from her, furiously shaking his head. “Last time I made this mistake, you crashed it into the lamp post.”
“Oh, come on.” Gina sighed in exasperation. “That was just one time!”
Crappy example, but do you get the idea?
3. Read over your work. I noticed that there are a lot of commas and some full stops/periods missing.
4. Take time to develop your characters, especially Miles. I generally liked him, but I felt you could have described his appearance, thoughts or feelings to us more. To me, he came across as passive, bland, and as a tool to gear the story forward. You can give him a little dimension by adding small, realistic touches. For example, as he figures out the murderer, he gulps, a chill runs down his spine, his hands begin to sweat etc.
5. Add more detail. The ending seemed rushed. Once again, you could have included descriptions. For example, scorching sparks ignited and travelled up his body, pricking into his skin like needles. Miles felt out of breath and he collapsed as he felt his soul being sucked out of him . . . .
Overall, I found the plot intriguing. It held my interest right until the end. I haven’t read much about “victims” turning out to be the real murderers, so that was refreshing in itself. I also liked how the mystery was cleverly unravelled in a couple of paragraphs, and how the deaths were linked. It was creepy, meaning the story served its purpose, and was an enjoyable read.
Well done, and keep writing!
Hola! Here for a literary review.
A short story for psychopath tale lovers. There are a lot of minor lapses in your literary work, but we'll get into that. Let us first tackle the plot itself.
The story begins with a detective interrogating a possible witness to a crime. Conversations of the story, to be honest, made me believe that the killer is an urban legend, but we all know, in the end, that it is not.
I just don't understand why the detective run away instead of confronting the serial killer. The answer? This is for gore fans, and it is serve well for them (for me as well).
In the grammar department, you have a lot of minor lapses; I can't really say an error, but just a lapse. For example, you are not using comma or period before you end a quotation. Using too much ellipsis even if it isn't needed.
You should also use single quotations when quoting someone else in a conversation.
In the third paragraph,
“I closed my blinds and called the cops but when I picked up a voice said Hey Rick...you're next….the voice was so dark and creepy I dropped the phone and ran outside with my keys.
I think should be like this,
“I closed my blinds and called the cops but when I picked up a voice said 'Hey Rick...you're next….' the voice was so dark and creepy I dropped the phone and ran outside with my keys.
There, something like that. Other than that, the story satisfies our thirst for gory tales.
thank you
Hey there,
I think you mean directionHere to make a review!
Okay, other than this work was purely for the leisure of morbid lovers, I would like to say that it was a little bland for a detective novel or for the 'suspense' in the end. Being a gore fan myself, I could see the vivid images of the grotesque and the way the characters just narrate it with nonchalance. Although, it would help if you extended the imagery to a nauseating level, describing more of the corpses or the intensity of the moments 'Rick' and Miles had.
A nitpick or two:
Here are some episodes that are a bit redundant. It's not as pleasing to the ears as the other parts, so I suggest you rephrase this.
later
This is confusing. Who it was? Did you mean the victim or the suspect? It would sound better if it were phrased, The police searched for the murderer for days but to no avail."
... her?
Where did the black smoke come from? '.....with his skeleton in one spot of the floor and everything else in another'
-Another thing is the dialogue punctuation and format. I suggest you separate the narration/dialogue of each character in different paragraphs. Again, it could help to be more animated in the scenes, and explain why the murders were committed. The narrator's a detective, he must have had his suspicions... A deeper look into the characters' way of thinking also builds up the gravity of the situation they were in.
Hope this was of help! I wish you luck on improving and writing!
-Waltzing.
Thank you for the review and yeah I see all the mistakes... ha ha thanks and the black smoke and why the murders happened will probably be in the next thing if their is one. This was sort of a "test" to see if anyone likes it. But I thank you again because I will defiantly be more descriptive in the next one.
you're welcome.