Affections

hello )
I liked this poem, its short and its simple however i think your rhyming restricted you from evolving this into something deeper and more emotional. I mean, if they were the cause of your suicide i really think you should be using words like anguish, lachrymose, torment not something so simple like pain and cry. Theres so many fantastic words out there and expanding your vocabulary will seriously help your writing improve even more.

i think this piece has great potential and if you keep working on it you can transform it into something great!
keep it up

this is very emotional. the one thing that was confusing was where you said:
You had my heart, but you let it dry,
now I'm empty, now I cry.
"But you let it dry" didn't make sense to me. I like the rest just not that one part. I think you really had a spark in this poem and I really enjoyed it. I think it has such raw emotion that most people lose. keep it up!!!


~Lylas

P.S- thanks for your reviews and welcome to YWS!!!

Oh my gosh, this is so weird for me to stumble upon, because I was just listening to this video in which the lyrics go something like:

You gave me two different tears, after all these years.
Tears of joy, tears of pain, like sunshine and like rain. (roughly)

Which is to say, Maddy, that although your other poem really happened upon something original and moving, this feels like just words to me.
I understand if it moves you, my friend. YOU wrote it. YOU know the meaning it evokes in the process of writing it. But a poem is different for the writer and the reader. The reader only gets what meaning is given through the words. We can't know any of the background behind it, so even if these words work for you, if they don't work at all for a reader, they're not working!

I agree with niteowl, definitely. These are pretty words that rhyme, but they don't say anything. Can I ask why you detest free verse poetry? You can PM me back with the response if you'd like. I'd like to hear from you!

If I could show you why these words don't work, maybe you'll see what we mean.
Basically every single line of this piece is saying: "I'm crying".
Line one -- "tears I cry" = "i'm crying"
Line two -- like the rain = i'm crying
Line three -- they burn my eyes = i'm crying
Line four -- I let them fall/run = i'm crying
Line six -- now I cry = i'm crying

Only three of eight lines without a mention of crying. Besides this, it's not an original look at crying, it's just a description of crying: water runs down my cheeks. That doesn't make me feel anything. The way I would feel something is if you told me WHY you are crying. What was so bad that happened to make you cry (and eventually commit suicide)? What is this event and how does it feel to remember it? Don't just tell me it makes you cry, but try to describe that feeling in your gut you get when you think about it. Are there smells or sights or sounds of the memory that bring you right back to that emotion? Evoke these concrete things -- give us sights to anchor us, not just explanation that brings us further and further from emotion.

Maddy, good luck. I know you have it in you! Keep working on your poetry. We'll be here to help you along. Remember, please PM me or leave a wall post if you have any questions.

Okay, so I had a long critique that I accidentally erased, so I'll try to re-state it briefly.

This piece sounds pretty nice. But that's about it. I don't feel anything for the speaker. Obviously, that's not what you want.

Two things are dragging this piece down. One, the rhyming. Not only does it lead to bland word choices, this doesn't even have a consistent meter. I'm a huge fan of free verse, as it lets you explore the meaning and word choice so much more without worrying about whether a word rhymes or not.

Second, the main problem is how general the theme is. Anyone can relate to it, but it also feels like something anyone could have written. Show me something I haven't seen, can't see because I'm not you. Show me what the speaker had, then lost, how she deteriorates (people don't go from happy to suicidal in a day). I'd skip the suicide theme for now; it's really hard to do well.

I'm not saying this to be mean, or to say you're a terrible writer. I'm saying this because I've written like this, as has probably everyone who ever tried to write a poem. You can grow beyond this, go past the general and into the specific. Challenge yourself. Write about stuff that no one else would think to write about. Read the Poetry Tutorials in the Knowledge Base, or join in on a Poetry Workshop. There's a lot of great things to learn here and people to learn from. If you'll keep learning, and keep writing, you can get even better.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want my thoughts on anything else.

It sounded like a suicide note. Anyways,The beauty captured me right away. It was a relaxing poem that had a heart of a young dreamer. It made me sad. I had thought about my past relationships that had broke my heart by leaving me out in the rain.I dont condone suicide but the poem motivated me a little.This poem would of had my heart had it didnt talk about suicide. It is short and sweet and had a good rhyme scheme. I hope you dont commit suicide over some guy... As a girl with experience with heart break i know that you will move on because there is other fish in the sea.

Wow! I am so amazed this is a poem that I wanted to hear for years.

Wow Maddy, this is great. I mean it's a little dark when did a little darkness ever hurt anyone. I like how it sounds. It's short and to the point but still makes the reader feel. I like how your writing really captures the feeling of crying. It's descriptive but not a bore. Nice work. I hope you post more of your poetry. Keep Writing!