Prologue
15 years ago-
“OUT!”Mrs. Alberta shouted, “The Council needs complete silence when they make a prophecy. Out you go!” She shuffled Corneilius out the large oak double doors and closed them after him. He could understand why she was being so insistent; he wasn’t really supposed to be in the Vision Room in the first place, but that last swift kick to the rear was a little much. He walked glumly down the brightly lit corridor toward his room. Ever since the Castle took him in as a Visionary Scholar his one main goal had been to witness the Council make a prophecy.
“Hey, Neil!” A voice whispered from behind a decorated pillar on his left. Corneilius tiptoed around the column to find Shawn, a tall, thin boy with chestnut hair and a rather weasel-like face, leaning against it.
“What are you doing here?” He questioned, “Shouldn’t you be studying?”
Shawn glanced at him sideways and chuckled, “I could ask you the same thing,” he retorted, “Come with me I want to show you something.”
Without giving him time to make a choice, he swiftly walked down the hallway and turned to the right, Corneilius following closely at his heals. Shawn led him through so many passageways and rooms that, even though he’d spent over half his life in the castle, Corneilius had lost track of where they were exactly. But, after all, the fortress was enormous and on some days just finding the lunch hall was a challenge. All Corneilius did know was that Shawn had taken him well away from the Scholar chambers.
After a moment the boys passed a sign reading Servants quarters, “We aren’t supposed
to be down this way Shawn.” He warned.
Shawn scoffed, “Like that’s ever stopped you
before.”
Shawn had a point. He directed him into one of the abandoned servant’s chambers. It was a grey and dusty place; Corneilius watched as he strode over to an ancient looking tapestry hanging on the wall and lifted it up, uncovering a door. He opened the door and revealed an old winding staircase.
“After you.” Shawn said smiling mischievously.
Corneilius hesitantly entered the staircase and began to climb, “How did you find this place?” He asked Shawn.
“Oh you know, I just stumbled upon it one day, anyway keep your voice down, we’re close.”
“Close to what?” He whispered, but just then he met a door. They opened it and found themselves in an extremely small room, it had no windows and no furniture. Shawn quietly walked over to the wall facing them and beckoned for Corneilius to follow. He then lifted one of the panels of wood off of the wall easily and set it down. Behind the panel was an air vent.
“You wanted to hear the Councils prophesy right?”
Shawn and Corneilius shoved their heads against the vent just in time. The view was fantastic; they could see everything in the Vision room below them.All eleven Councilmen circled the Revelation Orb in the center of the room. The Orb usually floated in the center of the room, pulsating its crystal blue light as if it were alive. Today on the other hand the Revelation Orb had lit its self on fire. Each of the Councilors hands began to glow bright white and they placed them on the flaming sphere. They then began to speak in a deep unified voice.
“War comes soon, the darkened ones plot against us already, they come for the throne, ruling above all. They have found one of the Garethem already. They are strong; they will reap havoc and destruction over every land. The Enchanted stand no chance against them, they have numbers we know not. Only one aspect of hope remains. The Halflings, born today the first of three, they are filled with unknown powers. Only with them do The Enchanted have the strength to stop the war. Wait for them.”
The Council let go of the Orb as its flame went out. It returned to its usual pigment and looked as if nothing had happened. The Councilmen seemed to have had all of their energy wiped from their bodies and each sat down in their chairs as the healers entered.
Corneilius turned to Shawn white-faced from what he had just heard, “We…we’ve got to-”
“No Neil,” Shawn said interrupting him, his face was blank but his eyes hid dread, “We aren’t going to do anything; we aren’t going to tell anyone, we never saw what we just saw, got it?”
“What?! You heard what they said, there’s going to be war Shawn! They already have one of the Garethem! We have to-”
“No! We could get in really big trouble for being up here in the first place. The Council always figures these things out, we have to leave it to them, we can’t cause panic. Now, promise me that you won’t tell anyone, swear it.”
Corneilius took a glance back at the Council, who now seemed to have begun discussing the prophesy. His heart was racing but in the back of his mind he knew that Shawn was right, the Council would know what to do better than they would, “Okay, I promise.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey, this is great! I can't wait to read the first chapter.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Ok, so this is amazing! I could sit and read this for hours! Your characters are amazing, and I get the feeling that you really know the world you're creating, which is good. Honestly, I can't wait for the rest; I'm intrigued! Just a couple of minor punctuation things, but not to worry!
Please write more soon!
Calla xx
Ok, so this is amazing! I could sit and read this for hours! Your characters are amazing, and I get the feeling that you really know the world you're creating, which is good. Honestly, I can't wait for the rest; I'm intrigued! Just a couple of minor punctuation things, but not to worry!
Please write more soon!
Calla xx
Thank you! I'll look into those errors, and I'll make sure to write more soon!
Okay I LOVED this! This was so cool! The world seems so planned out and I loved the casual humor you put in the beginning. This being a prologue and all it seems you've set up an epic fantasy story and I am ON BOARD! I can't wait to meet the Halflings and figure out your magic system. I thought Cornelius was a nice character but I have no way of knowing if you'll use him in the future because this is a prologue. I loved how you just threw the readers in and let us connect what magical aspects we could. You seem to know what you're doing. The story flowed really well and you set of so many good story lines.
I can't wait to see more!
Thanks so much!
Hi, my name is @Tsunami and I am here to give your great prologue a review. Oh and if this review is rude in any way I am sorry just to say ahead of time.
And I like Neil he seems to be a great character. Your description is okay.
Okay lets start with what I liked about it.
Okay I like the name of the book it is very interesting.
Now I am going to start the review.
Okay the very first paragraph I have a little nit pick about.
Now about the prophecy I think you are giving to much away. You have got to keep us asking our selves a hull lot of questions about this prophecy.
Okay next.
I no I said your description is okay but I do think you could do more.
Like do more description like you did in the first paragraph. But I do think you need to ad smell and touch.
But over all I loved your prologue it was really good well done I hope you will let me no when chapter 1 is out and ready to read. And I hope you will look at my novel it is called Search For Peace Book 1 ~ The Great Separation Prologue
I think you will like it is all most like yours. Anyway back to your prologue it was very interesting I have to say that. I hope I will see more of your work on the site.
I hope you have a great day from your friend @Tunami.
Thank you for your review, I actually really like what you said about smell and touch and I'll make sure to use that. You were really helpful, I'll make sure to let you know when my next chapter is out and I'm excited to read yours. Thanks so much!
Your welcome. I'm al ways happy to help.
Please ignore this comment, I accidentally posted the review twice. Silly me!
In my person opinion, you are giving too much information inside the first paragraph. You should make the reader wonder why he was being kicked out and what he wanted to see so badly. It makes the reader to want to read further to find out.
He’s not supposed to be down in the Servants’ Quarters, right? If I were you I would have him elaborate on what he was doing when he stumbled upon it since why would he look behind the tapestry in the first place if didn’t know it was there.
How does he know what the orb is called and what it usually looks like? From what I understood, he had never actually seen/heard them making a prophesy.
Usually when I think of prophesies, I think of riddles that don’t make much sense until it’s examined closely, not something as blunt as the one in this story. Maybe make it a bit more… mystical if you know what I mean. (Ex. Using words that have double meanings and figurative language.)
What are the healers doing? Do they use magic to heal or standard medical supplies? You should elaborate on what they are doing.
Also, shouldn’t the Council hold off on talking about the prophesy until the healers have left? If the prophesy is supposed to be a secret, why would they discuss it with other people in the room with them?
Other than those issues, I think this is amazing! Very good idea for a story. I can’t wait to read more!
Happy Writing!
Thanks for the review! You made a lot of good points I didn't really think about before, I'll definitely work of those. Thanks for the tips!
Thanks for the review! You made a lot of good points I didn't really think about before, I'll definitely work of those. Thanks for the tips!