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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey, So, I'm live and I'm here to review your poem, which I should add, I absolutely loved it!!!!!!! I really love the repeated line "I'm out of time. So I whisper". I'm a little confused on the meaning, I think it can be interpreted many different ways. Also, on that line I question the use of a period instead of a comma. I think the comma might be grammatically correct because the so is a FANBOYS. sorry I can't think of the actual term right now, but hopefully you know what I'm talking about. If not and you actually care then you could probably look up FANBOYS online and find out what I'm talking about. Anyways, On that line I just absolutely love the sound of it. It literally sent shivers through me when I read it.
I was slightly confused when I read the part about bugs covering the walls. Maybe you could just add in a line clarifying that because I was utterly lost throughout that whole part of the poem. Although, it did sound quite pleasant, I had absolutely no idea what that part meant. Over all I think you did a great job. Although your meanings could be a little bit clearer it sounds wonderful and I could understand it after reading it few a couple of times.
Great job, and keep up the awesome writing!
Hey there, MadamLunatic! I'm Euph, and in the spirit of Review Day, I am here to review your poem!
Let me start off by saying that I love the flow to this poem, and the clear passion between the narrator and the one they appear to be searching for, though one thing that is not evident is the troubles between the two that leave you off with saying that maybe things will be alright because they have their love for one another.
My only two suggestions for you are
A. Include more colorful vocabulary to lure your readers in further. This will allow us to get a better visual.
Line breaks! Separate the ideas to allow the reader to process each thought more clearly.
You might want to try making the spacing something like this:
I'm out of time.
So I whisper
like the candles you blow out,
I'm out of light
so I search for you.
Have a smile
that make the stars blind.
Oh my my.
I'm out of time.
I've lost my mind.
For real this time.
You said,"I love you" I say," I love you too"
My friend you never cracked.
The bugs cover the walls.
Spiders fall from above.
Getting bigger and bigger.
The room darker and darker.
I'm out of time.
So I whisper.
Screams won't reach your ears anymore.
I know you love me.
You know I love you.
So maybe it'll all be alright.
Overall, I really like the emotions that are clearly evident and the flow of this poem. Keep up the good work, MadamLunatic!
I hope that this review could help you in some way.
If you ever need me, feel free to drop by either on my wall or inbox me something, and I’d be glad to help you out with anything, or simply just to talk about the revisions I have made.
Yours always,
Euphoria
Hey there, this is great. There are a little hiccups that a little editing could fix.
Let's look at each one that I can point out:
1.Punctuation
I noticed an unnecessary overuse of periods (full stops). It's rather confusing and makes the work sloppy.
Use other punctuations like commas and semi-colons (;) can work if you must place a punctuation. The periods makes it harder for the reader to experience smooth reading throughout the poem.
2. Tenses
You misused the tenses in a line:
If you are using the past tense in the first line with said you CAN NOT use the present tense in the next line. It leaves the reader confused.
3. Sentences
A sentence is described as a group of words that make sense. Apparently you failed to create a proper sentence in this line:
"Have a smile" doesn't make sense!
"that make the stars blind" doesn't make sense either!
What it should be:
Making a reader connect with the poem is extremely important, I wouldn't say you failed in this poem neither would I say you accomplished this in the poem. You need to focus on the overall theme of the poem and flow that theme throughout the poem.
Separating the poem into stanzas should be something to consider.
Overall this is really good! You have potential. I had once experienced the same problems once. Like I said, those are nothing a little editing can't fix. PM me if you need more help.
~
Paws Up! Little Monster!
Hey ML~
Firstly
This reminded me of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. xD
Anyway, on to my review~
Your beginning ticked me off a little.
The last two lines just don't sound right, for some reason. I think it would be better if you wrote:
You blow out
Like the candles.
Otherwise, you could add another line or two describing how the candles blow out.
Then, I agree with those before me. You need to sort this into stanzas, and your use of full stops/periods isn't correct at some parts.
Now, over here:
I got a little confused. Maybe that's just me, but somehow, I wasn't sure if you were offering a smile to the other person, or if you actually meant to say "You have a smile", in which case it would be:
Next, over here:
I think adding "Oh" before the second "my" in the first line would be better.
Here, there's tense inconsistency. If you've used Past Tense in the first line, the next line should also be in the Past Tense. Otherwise it's like saying
You've used Past Tense in the beginning, and suddenly you've switched to Present Tense which makes it a little... irksome and confusing to read. Keep the tense consistent, and it makes it easier for the reader.
Besides that, the concept of your poem wasn't very clear to me. In the beginning, I thought you were talking about (possibly) a lost lover. Then I thought it might be about mistrust and dishonesty in a relationship. But by the end of the poem, I was extremely confused.
Overall though, I like the way you've written it. You're off to a great start and with a few tweaks here and there you'll be awesome in no time!
(Sorry if this was too harsh, by the way. ^^")
Keep Writing!
~Lemony
Yo there Luna,
I think you've got an interesting bit of atmosphere and story here, but the form's not quite up to shape with the rest yet. Fleeting's already touched a bit on that, but I'd like to add a few things.
First, I think you use periods a bit more often than you actually need them. Like just in your two first lines, with "I'm out of time. / So I whisper.", and in several places down the line. Try to think of those two lines as part of a single sentence, which I think is how they work best - doesn't the period seem a bit too hard of a stop to you? I think a comma would be a lot more suited to this, or even nothing at all! The line break itself makes the readers pause a bit, which I think is all you really need, and removing the superfluous punctuation would make the reading a lot smoother.
I'm also a bit confused as to how literally I should be taking the spiders and darkness and all - you've been talking about losing your mind and all, but the way you're showing it, it seems very much like a physical thing that's happening and then it's a different sort of dramatic tension entirely. I do get that psychological phenomenons can have a direct impact on real life, but here it's too blurry I think. Try to polish it a bit, and it could be quite nice indeed, I think
Hello there, MadamLunatic! ^^
I am here to review this beautiful piece of yours and I will try my absolute best at giving you a good and helpful review.
Alright, so here we go! =D I want to start with saying that I like this piece and that I could feel the pain in this and also the love that these two people feel for each other. I just finished watching a dramatic Indian movie (I am obsessed with those XD) and this poem like totally fits to the story! =0 Which is really awesome by the way, because it was a beautiful story.
This poem tells a story which some of us can really relate too, and the way you wrote it made that really possible.
I love the imagery in this.
The way it starts already shows the desperation of the narrator...or perhaps the desperation of the situation and it made me want to read it till the end. Congratulations on that. =)
Alright, now let's get to the nitpicks. Don't worry, because there aren't many of them. =)
You should capitalize the letter 'l' here.
For me, this sentence felt really out of place and kind of broke that whole poetic vibe that you had going on. Maybe it's just me but I think this poem will sound a lot better if you scrap that sentence or change it a bit. =)
Okay, this is my last nitpick! ^^ And this is more a suggestion really. =) I think it would sound better if you changed "my friend" into something more...mysterious or into something that shows more obviously that you're talking about the narrator's lover (because I'm guessing this is a love poem and then "friend" would sound just a bit cold and distant when the love between them might be their last hope to pull them through). Sorry if I'm overthinking this! XD
And that was all! =) I really enjoyed this poem and I am grateful that I got to read this. It's a beautiful write and you really have talent. *huggles*
Keep writing!
-qaralynn-
This is a beautiful poem- it paints a clear picture, but at the same time, is a bit hazy. I notice also that you don't have a rhyme scheme, but I think I prefer that. It helps give the poem more voice, which is one of the most important things a poem can ask for. The only suggestions I would have would be to split it up into more than one stanza (the way it is right now, I don't think it flows too well), and fix some of the punctuation (for example, turn "Oh my my" into "Oh, my, my").
I picture something like this:
I'm out of time.
So I whisper.
like the candles
you blow out.
I'm out of light.
So I search for you.
Have a smile
that makes the stars blind.
Oh my, my,
I'm out of time.
Either way, nice work. 8/10 from me.
Thank you ^^
Yes, the way you write it looks better.