Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.
I really only have a few things to talk about with this poem.
First off, I have to say that your poetry has a definite story to it. This one and "I Would Kill Myself" bring forward stories that really show through your writing. Sometimes poetry can be so intense, so focused on figurative language and symbols that the reader isn't quite sure about what the true story is. Not with your poems. All of those elements are still there, but not as in your face as usually seen.
The one thing that really sticks out to me about this poem is the repetition in relation to the length. Now, length is relative to the story and the feeling that the poem so to make it successful. So I'm not going to tell you that you should make this poem longer. That's definitely out of the question. I do want to focus on the effect the repetition gives though. Yes it's a literary device. Yes it's effective. However, I don't feel it really adds anything to this poem. The repetition is of the phrase "one more time" which isn't quite the focus of the poem. There's a story behind the phrase that explores the why. There are hints of that story in the last stanza:
I would wait a thousand years for you dear.
Just to hear you, feel you, smell you, see you, taste you,
Once more.
The speaker says that they will wait for this person. That word "wait" gives off such a strong image that it really brings the poem together.
I think one of the main things that is throwing me off is the period that is at the end of the phrase "Once more." Punctuation is what sets the rhythm and flow for a poem. When I see a period in a poem I automatically pause. That's a break, something meant to separate that phrase from the rest. However, it's basically all the same phrase here, right? The speaker is listing everything that they'd like to do with this person one more time. So why the need to break it up? With the periods removed it will become like a crazed list of these things the speaker is most desperate to do with this person. That's how I'm reading this poem. Play around with it a bit and see what kind of feel you can get out of it. The fun part of poetry, in my opinion is changing up that flow to create different feelings from the words. Only you know exactly what you want us to get from this poem, I'm only giving my comments based on what I see it being.
I'm gonna give you some nitpicks about word selection. Word choice in poetry is one of the most important parts of writing poetry, I think.
To smell your cologne; woodsy and pine,
I don't see the need to explain how the cologne smells. If you want that image of the smell, describe that for us rather than stating what the smell is and then describing it. I'd rather read about the smell and make the connection that it's cologne myself.
To see your beautiful face, light up,
The first comma here disrupts the flow. It makes the reader pause as they read in a place where it would be strange to pause in an actual conversation. My poetry professor in college once gave us advice about punctuation and line breaks in poetry. He told us that if the pause is something you'd never hear in a normal conversation change it. That's what I see in this line.
To taste your kiss on my lips,
If the speaker is tasting this kiss, obviously it's on the lips
I know it sounds pretty and romantic and all that, but it's not really needed. We know the kiss is on the lips.Overall I think this is a sweet poem. And I mean that as a compliment ^_^ There's a soft, loving message in this and it makes me imagine all sorts of situations. It's a universal poem that I feel like anyone can relate to. Yes there's the romantic side to it, but the idea of wanting someone to be around once more is a strong idea. I don't know who wouldn't be able to relate to that.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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