Ok well, there are two types of free verse I think well. Either the deceptively simple or the intensely complex. You've definitely gone with the second option. Now please, please excuse my ignorance if I misinterpret or dont quite get the gist of what you are saying.
Ghost of a hand on my hip, everything you say is silent.
Yours is a haptic vernacular that makes me tremble
—the sense of endocrines welling beneath a sheet of want.
You are no comfort when dread touches socket and tendon,
when the night is random and broken cells resound my name.
To bleed a brackish doggerel of whole-bodied grief,
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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The scientific theme is nice, and I liked the way it connected everything. But the obscure words, combined the multisyllabic nuisance of words like 'vernacular' and the length of each line, made it into a bit of a tongue twister, and it was hard to let the whole thing wash over, to not pick apart each segment and get held up on each phrase. I enjoy poems with more flow to them, even if that rigid jerkiness and cold science was your desired effect. It was good to hear some fun words, though - for that I can appreciate it.
I liked the language of the poem, but I have little idea of what it's about on the whole, especially in the last stanza.