Published July 4, 2009
Please critique! I was bored so I decided to write a poem off the top of my head. It isn't personal experience or anything, so it's probably not too deep. Anyhow, here we go:
I watch from my corner
of the little room.
The party is raging around me,
And I hear the bantering of the few couples
reminding me, forever, of him.
Once more I let my eyes drift to where,
on the other side of the sweating, dancing, kissing mass
of tangled, lusting bodies,
there sits an angel.
My angel.
He has that girl on his knee,
perched like a bird, skirt pushed up to her thighs,
and his hand caresses her leg.
I can see the words on his lips:
"I love you."
I smile gloomily at the memory.
That was me, not so long ago.
Only, I was happier with him.
I was smiling when I sat on his knee.
But she wears a frown.
She wants more, I can tell.
But my beau, that handsome,
abstinent tower of strength and happiness,
says no.
Because he's strong and she's a slut.
Once again, I am jealous.
I know he pushed me away,
kicked me like I was a dog:
but I still love him.
And now I lust for him.
There were probably other girls
who saw me with him, wanting more from him,
but then I was shoved from his lap.
I was pushed away.
Because my man was an abstinent man.
He's a strong man.
And if I could only of respected that
he would still be mine.
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141,736 Literary Works • 675,643 Reviews
Hey Macs.
Thanks for the review.
I'll try to give a good one in return.
There are only a few minor things that caught my attention:
A good beginning; nice job creating a backdrop for your story.
I would suggest changing the first line to read "from a corner," simply because the possessive has a way of putting the focus on whatever object it applies to. My assumption is that the corner is not really that important. LOL
You could stand to simplify this stanza some, the second and third lines especially. The other couples are not your focus- the boy is.
Nice imagery. Your language sends a lot of subliminal messages concerning the other adolescents.
I like your description of this guy, very compelling.
The last line is too informal. It seems like your resort to childish name-calling, and after reading the end of the poem, it is very much like the pot calling the kettle black.
(Sorry, I know that sounds harsh...)
I truly appreciate the message behind this piece. Props to you for having the balls to approach such a topic!!
I especially enjoyed the ending, though it was a bit abrupt. A little tweaking would go a long way.
Lastly, some of the emotions were not consistent with each other. First you say he kicked you like a dog, then you praise him for having a respectful attitude. I know you said this poem wasn't about you, so I assume that confusion is a result of you being disconnected from the character. Just pick how you want her to feel about this guy and try to stick to it.
Your writing is strong, clear, and casual- very enjoyable to read.
Good work!
BAB