Published January 17, 2011
CHAPTER #1
“What time is it?” I think to myself. I look over at my cheap green alarm clock hoping that it isn’t past 10 o’clock. When I look over at the clock it is 11. It’s the weekend. I’m supposed to be out enjoying New York City, not sleeping in till noon. I sit up on my cozy bed, and step down from the high bed frame. I walk over to the big windows of my penthouse that look over the city. The people look like tiny little dots from up here and everyone and their mother is rushing to get somewhere.
Before heading to the bathroom to take a shower and start my day, I grab a towel out of the linen closet. When I get to the closet I notice a piece of slightly yellowed crumbled paper. I pick the paper up and un-crumble it. I start to cry when I see the handwriting. I reach for the nearby wall holding on to it while I slide down to slowly sit on the floor. Then I see; it was the handwriting of my father who had passed away seven months ago due to cancer. I try and contain myself while trying to read the letter. But I can’t see the words because my eyes are blurry with tears. I scramble up off the floor and quickly grab a tissue from the bathroom and wipe my eyes. I throw the tissue in the trash can and return to the floor where the letter lays. I grab the letter gently and start to read: “My Dearest Lucy, if you’re reading this, you have probably found the letter laying somewhere around our apartment. I didn’t mean to leave you like this. But God knew that it was my turn to go. Don’t blame Him though; it’s his job to take care of this stuff. Lucy, I want you to know that I love you very much, even though I didn’t show it. I know I wasn’t there for your childhood, but when you moved here to New York to be with me after your argument with Mom, you were my world. You have always been my world. Now, I can’t be here for you anymore, but I will always be with you in your heart. P.S. Go back home to Florida to be you’re your Mom. I don’t want you to be here alone anymore. Try and make things right with her. You’ll feel much better. Love, Dad”I toss the letter to the ground and put my hands to my face. I can’t believe I just now found this. I look up at the clock seeing that it is already 11:45. I quickly get into the shower. After my shower, I sit on my bed with my phone trembling in my hand and I call the Key West Airport. When a woman answers the phone, I say I need 1 ticket to Key West, Florida. She says my flight will leave tomorrow at 4 o’clock.
Mom doesn’t know I’m coming yet, and I don’t think I want her too. I think I may just show up on her doorstep, and if she wants to talk, we’ll talk. If she doesn’t, I guess she doesn’t. I grab the note and head for the kitchen to get a new envelope and a plastic baggy. I carefully slip the note into the envelope and then put the envelope in the baggy. Just for extra protection.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,031 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, sounds like a fairly generic start to this first chapter here, which is okay...there's nothing to immediately be boring and that's really what you've gotta look out for. A new setting establishing style paragraph like this works out quite well as far as getting stories started goes...so well, let's see where this goes here, so far we've not gotten much indication of that yet.
Well, first things first, this paragraph needs to be at the very least three separate ones here, its got much too many things crammed in their for it all to just be the one paragraph. Secondly, the finding of the note is very random, it would make much more sense if this person was perhaps looking in some more hidden location or someplace important, cause here its just kinda laying there on the floor judging by this description and considering its a tissue the fact that it hasn't been randomly thrown away is hard to believe there. The letter itself is pretty good. It gets this plot kickstarted quite nicely, even if its a bit on the faster side, this situation is actually pretty intriguing here.
Hmm, that's an interesting observation to be made by the character there, it certainly gives you a little more insight into how things might be with the parents and the relationships these three shared with each other as a family. This is perhaps my favorite part here, and It think on the whole it makes for a great ending to this first chapter.
Overall, I think this was a fairly solid point to start a story off on. You've got a really nice atmosphere built up here and plot starts well even if perhaps a bit more rushed than it should be. At any rate, it sounds like something that I'd continue reading more of.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there.
) that we, as writers, should always think about.
I won't do the nitpicks because I'm don't really want to do this right now, but you can PM me, or just write on my wall if you want me to revise it.
First off, I like where this is going. You get right to the point, giving us enough information, but not too much. The things I want you to work on though, is that you do an awful lot of telling, and not showing. To help you do that, you should concentrate on the feelings she has, instead of what she does or sees... Someone once told me questions (easy one's, don't worry
What does it look like?
How does it feel?
What does it taste?
What does she hear?
What does it smell?
What is she thinking?
Hopefully, it will help for this part.
Keep on working!
-Other One
First off welcome to YWS
Pm me if you need any help or ask the guys in green - they know things ( we may be confusing 
)
Itallics for thoughts and ditch the speech marksI really enjoyed this story and i am intrugued to find out what happens next. *follows*
There are afew mistakes which i am going to point out.
okay so here i would delet the "when i look over at the clock" otherwise you are just unnesicarily repeating yourself
maybe best to just put everyone
you would generally say a cookie was crumbly and not paper and also you cant UN crumble something (maybe try crumple?)
I'm not going to say any more because I'll just annoy you but I just want to say it really annoys be you say baggy instead of bag and remember SHOW DON'T TELL
very good, keep up the work
-Tinkembell (the slightly crazed one) -
*like*