Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was a pretty sad story to read. It has a very simple plot and I think that works out really well for it as that plot is used quite well and we can definitely see some very real emotions being brought out here. Its conveying quite a bit of a message too and overall I think it's just really well done here with this simple premise.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Earlier today, a woman was found dead in her apartment...investigators are looking into various leads...police are still looking for the suspect...in other news..."
Starting with a bit of a news report, that's certainly something that I have not seen outside a film. Interesting way to start things off here.
April Reese lies in bed and watches the 10 o clock news. Her eyes are cold and blank and her body is pale and frail like a decaying vessel for a lost soul. A cool breeze floats and spreads its wings of fresh cold air. It makes her body swell in an attempt to sustain warmth.
Snowy static then flows from the television set and she absent-mindedly pays attention. Her thoughts are floating elsewhere, searching in the stars for answers. From a window view, a person would see that not only is she losing color but that her sheets are a coarse red coming from her thighs....
Now that is some top level description that you have right there. Definitely very intriguing and conjuring some powerful images in a reader's head.
It all happened kind of subtly, no one saw it coming. April was in the kitchen washing dishes. The water was smooth that day and flowed easily like the spring sun that filled life with it's metaphors that made everything seem pedantic. Meanwhile, in the living room of a small apartment, Gregory Dawson reclined in his fancy brown chair and lazily watched the tube. It looked like another lazy boring Sunday for a young couple living together for two years and Gregory being only barely out of college trying to support a relationship and a decent living.
The sudden transition to Gregory here in the middle of the paragraph is a little sudden. A little bit more of an establishing shot of these two would have been a little easier to understand rather than this very sudden introduction.
April stops her old fashioned dish washing, turns off the water and walks into the room. Her hand is at her hip, dripping wet and she says to him, "Greg, how many times do I have to tell you to do things I ask you for? You're always busy."
"old fashioned" doesn't sound like a very good descriptor to be using in a place like this. I would expect something more specific or just not mentioning an adjective there at all.
It would be two hours later; however when everything would be different and the mood would be longing. April was sitting in his brown chair making her self comfortable for another long and lazy evening, home with her future husband whom she was expecting sometime soon.
Some nice tension being built up there.
She couldn't believe this. She couldn't believe he would just hang up like that. Not only did he just leave her with an apartment to pay for, a broken heart, but without the grocery items she asked for. She thought he was different, after four years of being with him she expected it to last. Everyone did. She slumped to the floor next to the phone and thought long and hard before finally being able to cry herself to sleep on the empty floor, listening to I Love Lucy now playing in the background at 12 o clock at night.
Well I guess we can see exactly where that will lead to. A closed cycle there of a pretty sad story. Definitely did bring out a couple of feels here although since we don't really get to see April showing much affection we don't really get that much of an effect. Still the idea is pretty clear and executed fairly well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think this had some pretty awesome descriptions, a fairly realistic depiction of emotions and overall just a pretty well done story. Definitely quite sad but unfortunately true to what tends to go down in real life.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 250888
Reviews: 4074
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