Published September 24, 2006
i want to run to the skies that cry bloodthirsty mercy
i want to be ambigious and make promiscuous love
nature crawls from vivacious folds of the canopy
in a jungle that bawls with barrels of laughter
a symphony that's as good as the liquour
flesh thighs open with the wound of intercourse
tenderness wets it's lips with salty ambition
omit the moans of agonizing pleasure
orgasms from the dystopia of deadly decay
shapley anagrams from mammary glands
cause us to flicker and wade in the cess pool
of gross
gorgeous
grotesque sins
i want to fall in lust with torn faces
i want
to be
mega
supreme
cosmic
hit ignorance in the jaw and cause chaos
infinite entropy through constant loss of ethics
oh how glorious our garden would be to be in forever lush...
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I think TimJim gave you just about everything you need. You have a good sense for words, you just need to work on how you utilize them. Overall this was a very well written poem and I look forward to reading more of your works.
The relationship of birth and sex was well played. Watch diction. The attention of your reader may get caught up in words like "dystopia" rather than the meaning of your poem. Overall, it was relatively clear, very descriptive, extremely creative, and moderately easy to read. Very well played indeed.
If I were to object to some part of this poem, it would be the last four sections. They seem less organized, less intense. "fall in lust" is trite. Editing it or not is your decision, as always.
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I like it. One thing:
This line was...weird. Bawling laughter? That was the only thing that stood out, though; everything else flowed smoothly and effortlessly. Sweet.