April Fools*Warning! 18+*

Just a very short story I wrote a while back. Please help!

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April Fools

I don’t remember much about that day except that I was really angry and it was April Fools. I was also thinking about her. You know, that girl. The one you heard about in the news. Yeah, her.

I thought about her when I tried to eat my eggs, only to throw them in the garbage.

I thought about her in the shower.

I thought about her when I was jerking off to porn and realized no plastic bimbo with big tits could compare to her. And then I felt the sudden urge to throw everything off of my desk. That fucking bitch told me she didn’t even know me. What the fuck?! I slid everything off of my desk and threw my laptop against the wall.

And then I went to my parents’ closet in their room, took my father’s gun, cocked it and promised myself I was going to kill her. If she didn’t want me, she couldn’t have anyone else. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Who gives a shit?

Well you would if you were me. You would if you were stuck in the friend-zone all the time and no bitch gave up her pussy because she never thought you were good enough. If you were me, you’d constantly be swimming in a pool of friendship and not in the one all your friends were swimming in.

You probably don’t know what it’s like to go home every day thinking you’re not enough, you’ll never be enough. You probably don’t know what it’s like to have this burning hatred inside of you that just makes you want to scream fuck the world!

That bitch and I shared our passions, and our dreams together. It’s not like we never spoke. We were vibing so well in the bookstore. Then I ask for her phone number and she says, “I don’t even know you.”

I fucking hate it when these bitches send mixed signals. You think you’re finally getting a helping hand to bust the nut for ya, only to realize you’re stuck with your own ten fingers for another night.

Like, what the fuck?

On Valentine’s Day I bought her a dozen roses. I handed it to her and the class applauded, celebrating our destined union. We were destined to be together, but she just blushed and told me after class that I embarrassed her.

“Everyone was laughing at us,” she said.

I don’t remember it that way. I remember them smiling. I remember Joseph telling us, “Oh, look! They’re so cute together!” They laughed yes, but they laughed in glee! They laughed because they were happy to see us together! Why couldn’t that stupid fucking bitch see that? So I wasted $12 on flowers she didn’t even want.

Like what the fuck?!

And I know what else you’re thinking:

“Why throw your life away for some girl?”

Fuck my life. I didn’t want to live it at the time with all that God-Damn strife! I had enough of teachers in school and the fucking bullies putting me down thinking that shits cool!

Fuck my parents nagging me about college every night! You think I wanted to take out a God-Damn loan every year, get myself in hundreds of thousands of debt slaving away for some non-existent American dream?!

Like what the fuck? American dreams only exist in the head. I figured that out at an early age when my father sent his middle aged ass back to college. He thought he was going to make money with a Liberal Arts degree. They fooled him. He thought he was getting ahead in the system, only to end up not moving at all.

No one wants an old man working at their job. He had about ten years left until retirement anyway.

So what happens? He’s the same man: a scrub accountant slumped in his fucking cubicle, the world and his bosses fucking him in the ass everyday. Congratulations, you have your degree motherfucker, too bad you can’t do shit with it!

Go to college? To end up like him? Hell no. I think we all end up like our parents in some ways. If I followed his path I’d end up in the same cubicle.

I’d take shit from my employees.

I’d go to work everyday with people higher up looking down at me as if I’m a piece of shit.

I’d get yelled at by my boss, threatening to lay me off.

I’d go back home to hear my wife bitching and complaining.

I’d take off my shoes and smell my funky feet, take off my shirt and smell my onion underarms.

I’d see my daughter, and she’d scowl at me, telling me everyday I never loved her. I was always a broke ass.

I’d see my son and realize I left nothing for him. I already wasted my saved up money for my degree instead of saving it for him with my selfish ass.

Like what the fuck?!

If I were him, I would consider suicide. Fuck this life. I’d take my gun, point it to my head and shoot myself in front of everyone. This world wasn’t made for the average jerk off-only the Gods that ran it. The politicians, the celebrities, the artists, the bankers…those motherfuckers ran the world. Never little specks like us. We were the consumers, they were the creators.

I didn’t want to be a consumer anymore, and I damn sure knew I was too retarded to be a fucking creator.

So I decided to become a killer.

I put thegun in my bookbag. I took the bus and on there, the girls laughed at me For the first time in my life I called them stuck up hoes, and that if it weren’t for their make-up, they’d be some ugly fucking cunts.

I was in the hallway at school, and some douchebags tripped me, laughed at me. I dug my lock out of my pants, and bashed them over the head with it. Everyone in the hallway laughed, telling me I wasn’t a pussy no more. I felt good, I felt adrenaline running through my veins as their blood dripped down my arms. I was high.

I washed the blood off in the bathroom, and heard a couple moaning, boning each other in the stall.

I was in Math and my teacher said I needed to invest in a better haircut instead of getting these cheesy fades for $10. And the class laughed, told me I was tight.

Like what the fuck?

I was in Gym and the bitch teacher told me I should be a team player when I refused to participate in the basketball game. I told her fuck the team. I was going to do what I wanted from now on. She was surprised I actually cursed.

I was in History and my teacher handed me a test with a big fat 65 written across the top. I should apply myself she said. And I told her I should fuck her big fat ass and come on her tits. I got detention after that.

I was finally in Art, where she was. That girl. That girl you heard in the news. And in Art she was sitting on her chair with one leg over the other in that sexy way she usually sat in, twirling her locks of brunette hair together, licking her luscious lips as she looked at herself in her hand-mirror. I wanted to fuck her. When I sat next to her, I told her I wanted to fuck her.

She moved her seat, and I moved with her. She moved again, and I moved with her yet again. When she sat in the third seat, I sat with her and she said, “Like what the fuck?! Leave me alone!”

So I pulled my gun out and no one noticed us. A few minutes later we were in the bathroom and she was sucking on my dick and tickling my balls. I held my gun over her head, put my eyes back, closed them and I was coming in 1,2,3…

I felt her sharp teeth bury into my dick-head, and flesh tearing from flesh. When I looked down all I saw was a spray of blood spouting out of my shaft.She spat blood away from her mouth, muttered something and brought her fist up to my face. She must have knocked me the fuck out because I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the hospital. I thought it was all some nightmare, but the handcuffs I was chained to reminded me of how real it all was.

I was being sent to the local penitentiary. They were trying me as an adult for rape and attempted murder. But I didn’t give a shit about that. What I did give a shit about was that I’d never be the same again. With no dick head, whenever I pissed it burned. I would never fuck, I would never come. I became half a man.

Who knows? Maybe I should have taken the college degree.

Maybe I should have settled for the cubicle, for the bitch wife, the daughter that hates me and a son that’ll end up like me. Maybe I should have settled for the mundane.

Maybe.

Now I’m writing for some shitty column in the Newspaper. I’ll get paid shit, while they’ll get paid everything. That ain’t right.

Now instead of jacking off to models, I’m jacking off some old guy in the showers and getting fucked in the ass every night.

April Fools Motherfuckers.