Standing so tall
A body my own
It seemed as if no one could phase me
So I showed you my eyes
The secrets held inside
My heart was yours to take
And take it you did
With a piece you flew away
My mind you would always haunt
A vision of blue eyes
Months went by
My blood still hot
When along came those deep
Deep brown eyes
I thought it would be fun
I thought a distraction was well in need
Yet once again I was proved the fool
I dove in too deep
And that body of mine?
The one of such virtue?
I gave it up
Simply for the promise of warmth
Now I feel cheap
Now I feel used
Now I feel owned
No longer my own
Those brown eyes
Yet still in my mind
Hidden in the darkest of dark corners
Is that vision of you
Of those chilling blue eyes
Do you still have that piece?
That piece of my heart?
Cause I think I’m gonna need
I think I’m gonna need more then that
…I think I need you
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
You have a strong sense of voice that comes through this poem, but I think that what stops it from reaching full potential is the rhythm of the poem and the reliance on cliches.
In the first stanza, the whole eyes as the window to the soul idea set the whole poem up to be stale. It's really an overused metaphor so if you don't use it uniquely I'd scrap it altogether.
Just quickly - it's "faze."
You also need to figure out punctuation, because the lack of it here really destroyed the flow of the poem. Read it aloud, as many times as you need to, to figure out where the natural breaks are.
"Dove"? "Dived"?
This sounds straight out of a street dialogue, so the language isn't as powerful or heightened as poetic language needs to be.
Standing so tall
A body my own - "of my own?"
It seemed as if no one could phase me
So I showed you my eyes
The secrets held inside
My heart was yours to take
And take it you did
With a piece you flew away
My mind you would always haunt
A vision of blue eyes
Months went by
My blood still hot
When along came those deep
Deep brown eyes
I thought it would be fun
I thought a distraction was well in need
Yet once again I was proved the fool - "a fool"
I dove in too deep
And that body of mine?
The one of such virtue?
I gave it up
Simply for the promise of warmth
Now I feel cheap
Now I feel used
Now I feel owned
No longer my own
Those brown eyes
Yet still in my mind
Hidden in the darkest of dark corners
Is that vision of you
Of those chilling blue eyes
Do you still have that piece?
That piece of my heart?
Cause I think I’m gonna need
I think I’m gonna need more then that "than that"
…I think I need you
Wow. That poem was awesomely awesome. Such a great story in such a clever poetic format.. This poem flows so greatly. Just you know, touch it up a little bit with the words. The adjetives you used were great, and the story was told terifically, you know. So don't worry about that. "Chilling blue eyes." "Deep brown eyes." Great, great.
Spectacular poem, really.
KEEP WRITING!
This was good. I actually understood what you were saying, and what was happening. The words were well-put, no mistakes from what I can see. Good. I'm really glad I read this.
Wow, well done. I'm not much of a poet, but I know a good poem when I hear one. You did a good job at telling us what this person felt, and I liked it. Sorry I don't have much to tell you to help other than 'good job'.
I quite liked this. It captured the emotions very well.
Perhaps change to 'I think I'm gonna need you too.' It flows better and completes the poem well.
Sorry that I don't have much advice, I think this works well as it is. Perhaps just consider revising some of the punctuation as at the moment you don't really have much of it.
A great poem.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx