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Young Writers Society



Strangled

by MJs_Magic_Pen


No, I aint never coming back,
No more…
Not to you, dear, no way!
With you, Baby,
I felt so strangled.

Now when I’m free,
Free at least,
I’ll run till my feet,
Tells me to stop
I felt so strangled.

Maybe you’ll miss me,
Maybe you won’t.
I can’t care, honey,
I gotta get away,
I felt so strangled.

Just a thought of you,
A scent like yours,
Stop my breath,
Stop my heart;
I felt so strangled.

I felt like in a spider’s web,
Waiting for a monster
To come ‘n eat me,
Slowly digest me,
I felt so strangled.

Now I’m miles away,
From everything,
I couldn’t handle.
Am I free at last?
I felt so strangled.

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Points: 9682
Reviews: 156

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Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:51 am
McMourning wrote a review...



Hello!
I'm sorry, but I didn't really enjoy it. It didn't seem to flow right, for one. The best way to test this is to read it out-loud, at a fairly constant speed. The words should sound nice together. It sounded choppy, and unfinished, instead.

MJs_Magic_Pen wrote:I aint never coming back,

This has several mistakes. First off, you'll need an apostrophe [ain't]. Secondly, you have a double negative [Ain't never]. You can only use one of them, or else it's like saying: I coming back. There are two ways to fix this:
1. I ain't ever coming back.
2. I'm never coming back.

Personally, one sounds better, but it's up to you.


Good luck!

McMourning





The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe