When you fall asleep,
I lay here, watching you.
from you close your eyes,
till you open them again,
I’ll be keeping an eye on you.
I’m running away,
from the day,
you won’t open your eyes again.
When you leave,
I stay at the door,
watching the road,
and I will keep on,
till you are safe at home.
I want to forget,
there will be a day,
you won’t come back to me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with BFG, you have been posting a lot recently, and this is not a problem atall as long as you keep to the two posts to everyone of yours thing.
I do like your work, but this poem sounds like others of yours, maybe vary your stuff, you have come up with original ideas, try to think up more thigns other people haev not thought of before, and your work will benefit for it.
meevs
x
Can't help but notice you're posting a lot recently. That's fine, but just keep in mind that poetry belongs to a world that values quality over quantity. I'm not saying your poetry lacks in quality, by any means, just that... it doesn't come across as being much refined, or even edited or proofread. Do you make sure to read each poem four or five times, at least once out loud, before you post it, to check for small mistakes? Do you double-check for typos? Do you work on making your rhythm fit a predefined structure? Are you making full use of a thesaurus, dictionary, and maybe a rhyming dictionary? Finally, do you read a lot of poetry? There's tons of great poetry out there, lots of it floating free on the web. Read some of the great poets, maybe try mimicking their styles. Read the analyses of them, too, to find the points that others think are really good, and try to incorporate these into your work.
I like your stuff, but when there's so much of it I start to just tune it out. If I could trust when I clicked on one of your posts that you'd already done as much with it as you possible could on your own, I'd be less inclined to do this.
This was fine, a lot like much of your other stuff though, and it didn't stand out to me. Work on your word choice - I think using more interesting words would definitely help this.