Last Christmas

MJs_Magic_Pen wrote:
Last Christmas, Why comma?
I trusted you with my heart,
I placed it in your hand,
And then I wrote you a song…
But little did I know,
You sold me out already… This doesn't work in this stanza.

Last Christmas,
My world was all about You,
I thought about you, Decide: You or you?
And a life together… about us together
But you were with Stacey.
[s]And[/s] I ended up alone…

Last Christmas.
I thought I’d be happy,
But when you told (me) the truth,
I knew you had lied, I actually like this...
And I made it end…
But it hurts [s]me[/s] so much [s]more[/s]…

Last Christmas,
You spend with Stacey, OK, maybe you should name the poem "Stacy I hate you"
And I spend it [s]with myself[/s], ...alone...
[s]It was you who told me you loved me,[/s] You gave me love.
[s]Came out to me, then asked me out…[/s] You're comparing love with teenage dating....with this you're ruining your whole idea about how the love hurts.

This Christmas,
This song is on replay,
Because I’m thinking of you,
But most of all,
How it all ended…

Ignoring the fact this is largely structured in the same way as the song you were inspired by, something that checks the overall effectiveness of the poem's impact, I think this poem suffers anyway from a sense of staleness. It actually feels like a less emotional ride than Wham's lyrics, because it's hard to care or feel anything for the narrator. The actual pain isn't explored in any meaningful ways, and the forced structuring of your ideas does not exactly help this.

I'd rewrite this and attempt to use fresher language and ideas and structure, away from the inspiration. Being inspired by material is good, but I feel you've been restrained rather than liberated from yours. Try again by being more faithful to your own emotions and your own experiences, and your own lines (lose 'last christmas' and 'this christmas') to write something original and new.

Hullo there!

First off, lay off the ellipses! Those are the .... things in case you don't know. Despite what you might think, they don't add to your poem at all.

This poem drags on for me. It's hard for me to get into it or care about it because I don't know the situation, nor do I have any idea who Stacy is. Sure, I can understand the situation from the poem, but that doesn't mean I feel it. Can you make me feel the pain you do and relate to your situation? It's hard to do, but if you can do this, it will make your poem exponentially better. As it stands, this poem only means something to you. You have to make it mean something to me.

Perhaps instead of listing what this person did you, you can talk about one specific event relating to him, and how it made you feel. Express your emotions, rather than talk and tell about them.

Additionally:

You spend with Stacey,
And I spend it with myself,