btw, if reading this out loud, make sure to read the (don't jump) as well
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What inspires me?
Some might ask,
That’s a simple question,
With a damn lot of answers!
There are the singers:
Michael Jackson, Marilyn Manson,
Bill Kaulitz, Eminem,
Janet, James Brown,
and oh, Billy Joe!
And there are more...
There’s the lyrics:
The Rose,
Man In The Mirror,
Spring Nicht (Don’t Jump),
Mocking Bird,
Let It Be, Imagine,
Boulevard of Broken Dreams,
And many more…
There’s the nature:
Birds, bees,
The shades of green,
My favourite flower,
The sound of leaves,
The clear blue sky,
And all the rest…
And is this all,
No there’s more,
But right now,
Do I even know?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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The main problem with this poem is that not everybody is going to know all those musicians and all those lyrics and so while some of the names might be evocative in themselves [ignoring the song itself, "boulevard of broken dreams" is a cool title].... the reader isn't going to have any idea of what exactly is inspiring you. It doesn't matter what particular artists or songs - though you could mention one or two and have it work - but describe what it is about them that's inspiring. The energy? Some kind of power, or presence, or poetic mood around these things?
The descriptions of nature are similiarly eh. Kind of bland, you know? it's like when a little kid draws a picture, which can be cute sometimes, but doesn't give an original expression of who you are and what exactly, specifically you like and get out of nature. Besides all the general things, what really catches your eye? maybe it's the way the light comes through trees, or a very certain shade of sky blue.
Description and detail that evoke some feeling or create an atmosphere are important. When you read good poems, there's a feeling that comes off of them.
I see what you're trying to say, but it seems you're having trouble expressing it while making your poem flow. At the moment that majority of it is just a list. Fiddle around with it - perhaps try talking about less artists etc but saying a little more about each one and why they inspire you. Make the reader understand. What is the purpose of your poem? Also, the last stanza confused me a little. So have a play around with it, experiment with different ways to get your point across. Keep writing.
Ok, zero responses? Not cool.
However, this poem wasn't exactly at the 'cool' mark either. It seemed like you attempting to prove a poor-argued point, and you just ended up rambling.
In actuality, I wouldn't even peg this a poem. More like an article with poem-like punctuation and line breaks.
So, rather then tearing apart this piece in particular, I'll give some general advice [a' la' usual]
Read poetry. Not just on YWS-- Compilations. The greats. The unknowns. The in betweens. Anything that's good. See what you like in it. See how they accomplished it. Pay attention to the subtleties, (why'd they use this word over that one? Why a semi-colon over a comma?) and over time learn how to twist these things into something new and uniquely 'you'.
Happy reading
~Ed