You dare to let us see,
You cry, breaking down,
Right in front of us.
That’s how strong you are,
One of the strongest persons,
I know at least…
You can go on a stage,
In front of a whole country,
All gathered to see if you,
Finally do something wrong.
But you keep your head high,
Yet you let your emotions out.
I have seen you smile,
Walking out of a courtroom,
What could’ve been your doom,
You send out a victory sign,
That’s what I call being strong.
And then you tell,
You couldn’t have made it through,
If not for the support,
But one thing do I know,
You had made it on your own!
To me you’re an idol,
I wish I was like you,
In more than one way!
But no matter what I do,
How hard I work,
You’re always 2 steps ahead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
What stood out to me wasn't the capital at the beginning of every line (although that's not really good either) but the comma at the end of every line. Like capitalization, punctuation in poetry usually works best if you put it where you would in prose (paragraph-style writing).
There were also some places where the flow was disrupted by poor wording.
Here's how I would've worded/punctuated this:
And then you say,
that you couldn’t have made it through,
Without the support,
But I know that you
had done it on your own.
I'd also caution against exclamation points in poetry. The words should carry the intense emotion on their own without a special mark.
Overall, I liked this better than your other poems that I've read. It's original and has some interesting imagery. It just needs some re-structuring. Keep writing!
nice! keep writing!
Is this about Micheal jackson, I'm guessing so
keep up the good work!
hmm just take Shadows advice about the random capitals and the number 2 and well its good! I like your poetry, and i think that this is definatly original,
Meevs
x
Umm....You know, only one thing sort of majorly stood out for me. And that's how each new line started with a capital.
Like, is sort of like you're writing a paragraph, only in a different format, taht's what I always thought poetry was, so you don't Put random capital Letters in your sentences. So why Should you do the Same in yoUr poem?
You see my meaning hon? Oh, and take out the '2' and replace it with 'two'.
You’re always [s]2[/s] two steps ahead.
Okay? Otherwise was an interesting way of seeing good ol' MJ.
Love ya darl! Tata mwa