z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Royal Goose Chase

by Atticus


Marquee Jonnep absent-mindedly stroked his pet cat, Czar, as he studied the tax forms spread out before him. Across from him, his captive struggled against her bonds. "Rest easy, little princess," he cooed to his captive. "You will be set free soon enough." 

The princess briefly paused in her struggles, but then resumed once she realized that "soon enough" was akin to "once it suits me", which meant after her father was dead. Marquee Jonnep threw his head back and cackled with the laughter of victory, then continued to pore over the strenuous tax forms. "Soon, money will be the least of my concerns," he whispered, and then continued in his daydreams, neglecting his paperwork as usual. 

After several minutes, the Marquee shoved his paperwork to the side and pulled out a stack of envelopes several inches high. He rifled through the different colors until he found the one he was searching for- a rose-colored envelope with a red seal that had been carefully broken and re-sealed countless times. He gently extracted a fragile cream-colored paper from the envelope, his eyes skimming over the neat handwriting. He made a careful note of one small detail that had escaped prior notice and replaced the letter. 

"It's almost complete, Czar," he whispered to the Persian cat. "Just a few more pieces to fall into place, and then my grand plan will be complete and we will have won." 

The cat meowed in response, and the Marquee stroked his fur gently as he pondered, for the millionth time, what he would do with the great wealth soon to befall him. 

***

Across rivers and mountains, hills and valleys, farms and villages, there was a particularly green and grassy hill, fairly tall but not steep. A castle was situated on top, nestled comfortably above the rest of the kingdom but tucked away near the corner of the kingdom. The castle seemed regal and important, but not suited for a king. Possibly a high duke, or maybe a popular earl or wealthy baron. At the top of the castle ran a cobblestone walkway, stocked with bows and arrows and the occasional archers' tower. Several towers spiraled up into the brilliant blue sky, penetrating the blue bliss above. Compared to the massive beauty but strong fortifications of the castle, each visitor that appeared at the gate seemed small and insignificant. But that didn't deter any tourists eager to explore the beauty, or caravans determined to sell exotic goods for unrealistic prices, or even local peasantry attempting to settle a squabble. 

The castle was full of marvelous rooms serving all sorts of functions,m from regal bedrooms to elaborate kitchens. Servants bustled around the palace, dusting portraits of old and proper kings and tidying fine linen sheets. tucked inside the castle, nestled in the perfect place, was a neat but spacious office. Currently, a well-dressed man and an apparent servant or possibly adviser sat at a table in the office. 

"King Poleing, I petition you to restrain from sending out another search party," Reginald pleaded, his brown eyes practically shining. 

King Poleing leaned back in his chair. "Reginald,  I don't think you understand the situation. My daughter has been kidnapped. I intend to find her. If we do not find her, it could spell out disaster for the entire kingdom!"

"I completely understand the necessity of finding the princess, my liege, but you must understand that another search party will require us to send more capable soldiers away from the castle, thus compromising our security. There are already an ample amount of people searching for the princess, and once they return, you can send more out. But we cannot continue to lose soldiers, especially when we are already low on them because of the previous battles." 

"Reginald, finding my daughter takes priority over additional security measures. We are perfectly safe here, seeing as I have avoided all conflict for the past several months and still have insisted on keeping my most trusted and capable men remaining here." King Poleing slammed his hand down on the desk, showing that he was firmly decided on this position. 

"Your feelings are completely justified, my lord, but I don't believe I need to remind you that there are still people out there who want to get their hands on you and could be waiting for this very opportunity. Sending out search parties will not benefit the search enough to justify the risk you are taking by leaving the palace undefended." 

"Reginald, I believe I have given you my answer. I understand the risks, but I don't think they are serious enough to warrant allowing my daughter's safety to be compromised to the point where every second she is out of my sight is another second her captor has to abuse her or even kill her. You are dismissed," King Poleing sighed with a wave of his hand. 

Reginald stood and bowed respectfully, then exited promptly to continue his duties. King Poleing pulled his jacket back on over his dress shirt, adjusted his belt, and stepped back into his room to spruce up before the meeting. He had learned that looking fresh and sharp made a good impression at these slightly informal meetings and ended up only benefiting him for the small price of attention to detail. 

King Poleing scooped up the gold-handled comb and ran it through his dark hair, parting it neatly to the left. He brushed off his shoulder pads, running his fingers through the long golden tassels and wiping flecks of dust off. Squinting at his reflection in the mirror, he grabbed a washcloth and scrubbed at his face till it was almost sparkling. After another quick glance, he dried his face off and marched out of his washroom and into his private office. 

King Poleing slid into his chair and cleared off his desk, transferring the military strategy books he had been reading before his short meeting with Reginald to the shelf. He pulled the map of the five main countries out of his drawer and made sure his ink and quills was restocked. Content with his preparations, he leaned back in his chair and admired his office. 

It was fairly spacious, but it still felt nice and cozy. He had his war trophies on shelves across from him, and the office was surrounded with bookshelves containing all kinds of books. He had a map spread across the table, showing both political borders but major geographical features. Two quills and ink wells sat on the table, and parchment was easily accessible in the first two desk drawers. King Poleing reclined in his padded oak chair, in front of the toasty fireplace. Some embers still smoldered, warming the room to a comfortable temperature. The size of the room allowed the heat to spread evenly and reach to the farthest corners of the study. 

King Poleing's stomach grumbled, and his mind drifted to the kitchen. He knew that the cooks were currently preparing a delicious chicken and potato dinner, with a side of broccoli and a small loaf of buttered bread for the first course. He could almost smell the tender chicken on the silver platter and taste the leafy green of the broccoli, tasting the very moisture of the stems. The second course would also be delicious, a juicy watermelon and some berries, all different colors and textures. And for dessert, Lorrie had promised to make her famous apple cranberry pie with the extras from the second course. It would be a fairly modestly sized luncheon but certainly delicious and sure to  impress his guest. 

It would be more important than ever to impress this guest. He had enough influence to tilt the current playing table and reveal some cards. King Poleing had no doubt that this particular guest had some secrets of his own and some dirt he could dig up on some other political figures. It was also nerve-wracking, because King Poleing had little doubt that this special guest knew some of his personal secrets. That was why this guest was so dangerous but also such a valuable resource. King Poleing stroked his chin in thought as he pondered the current situation and his best bet at getting the most out of this dangerous visit. 

A knuckle rapped on the thick wooden door separating King Poleing's study from the hubbub of the castle. "Come in," Duke Poleing called. 

The door creaked open and his butler, Cejun, leaned in. "I've just sent Errud to give your guest directions to your study. He should be arriving momentarily. Lorrie just informed me that lunch will arrive in moments as well." 

"Thank you, Cejun. Tell Lorrie to attempt to have the lunch in as soon as possible. I want to be able to eat that before we look at the maps," King Poleing instructed, brushing off his suit jacket and straightening in his chair, running his fingers through his hair in a last-minute attempt to look as dapper as possible. 

A new servant, a young man freshly out of schooling, stepped into the room. He was carrying a heavily loaded tray and set it down gently on the table. "Your first course, sir. The second course will be ready at the ring of a bell." 

"Thank you, young man. Now both of you, back to your duties and please close the door after you," King Poleing instructed. The two servants nodded and slipped out silently, pushing the door shut behind them. 

King Poleing relaxed, but mentally prepared himself to receive this prestigious guest. After just a few moments, he heard footsteps down the hall and knew that this next hour would either go very well or very bad. He would change the history of the entire Five Kingdoms, for better or for worse. 

The door opened. King Poleing opened his mouth to offer a greeting, but his breath was stolen by the general darkness that accompanied this guest. And Marquee Jonnep sat down in the chair and extended his hand. 


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Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:24 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review as promised!

Marquee Jonnep absent-mindedly stroked his pet cat, Czar, as he studied the tax forms spread out before him. Across from him, his captive struggled against her bonds. "Rest easy, little princess," he cooed to his captive. "You will be set free soon enough."


In this introductory paragraph of yours, I'm glad that we're already actively in a scene instead of some information dump or inner monologue, because that's often what we see with beginnings. There's not as much time for that though, since this is a short story. I'm not a fan of the use of 'absent-mindedly' since it takes some breath to read, and I'd suggest finding a synonym for that. Other than that, this is a solid introductory paragraph, so nice on that.

The princess briefly paused in her struggles, but then resumed once she realized that "soon enough" was akin to "once it suits me", which meant after her father was dead. Marquee Jonnep threw his head back and cackled with the laughter of victory, then continued to pore over the strenuous tax forms. "Soon, money will be the least of my concerns," he whispered, and then continued in his daydreams, neglecting his paperwork as usual.


I'm unable to get over Marquee Jonnep throwing his head back and cackling, though I'm not sure if 'laughter' needs to be in the same line since they're basically the same word, just synonyms of each other. 'The laughter of victory' reads oddly anyway. I also wanted to note--the princess doesn't seem very moved by her supposedly dead father this early into the story? She seems deadpan. She seems like she doesn't care that much.

Another plot point that didn't make sense to me is the fact that Marquee Jonnep asks him to come over to have a conversation as King Poleing as a guest (which I wanted to note is an odd name that I enjoy and I wanted to ask where or how you came up with these names because they're interesting and I want to hear if there's any meaning behind them or not) yet he didn't suspect his daughter might be there. Reginald is such a great name for someone who works for the King. I love it. I just wanted to say that. It fits so well!

Going back to the problem I wanted to address before, I don't know if I'm a fan of how this short story ends. This almost seems as if it should continue since the most development we get is from the King. Not from the princess or Marquee Jonnep--the King. This is potentially fitting and I think the ending does well if we want the story to focus on him.

The princess is what he wants back. Marquee Jonnep is what's in the way, and this situation is made even worse by the fact that Marquee himself is the one keeping the princess with him being at the meeting able to sway the conversation. The ending is fine as it is, though I wouldn't mind seeing this continued and fleshed out, because we're a little unable to care for the characters if we don't learn to know them.

This is what I found to be the main problem here. It's hard to get attached when we barely know them. I suggest working on developing them and expanding on them, though you've already started to do this with the King and a little with Marquee. The others? I haven't gotten a complete sense for them.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




Atticus says...


Thanks for the review! I might just turn this into a novel, and then maybe I'd be able to make it feel more completed and also introduce the characters a little more. It's an engaging idea, so maybe that'll be my summer project. Thanks again!



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Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:59 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Marquee Jonnep absent-mindedly stroked his pet cat, Czar, as he studied the tax forms spread out before him. Across from him,I don't like the beginning of this line but at the same time I don't know how to change and still keep the same idea. his captive struggled against her bonds. "Rest easy, little princess," he cooed to his captive. "You will be set free soon enough." 

The princess briefly paused in her struggles, but then resumed once she realized that "soon enough" was akin to "once it suits me", which meant after her father was dead. Marquee Jonnep threw his head back and cackled with the laughter of victory, then continued to pore over the strenuous tax forms. "Soon, money will be the least of my concerns," he whispered, and then continued in his daydreams, neglecting his paperwork as usual. 

After several minutes, the Marquee shoved his paperwork to the side and pulled out a stack of envelopes several inches high. He rifled through the different colors until he found the one he was searching for- a rose-colored envelope with a red seal that had been carefully broken and re-sealed countless times. He gently extracted a fragile cream-colored paper from the envelope, his eyes skimming over the neat handwriting. He made a careful note of one small detail that had escaped prior notice and replaced the letter. 

"It's almost complete, Czar," he whispered to the Persian cat. "Just a few more pieces to fall into place, and then my grand plan will be complete and we will have won." 

The cat meowed in response, and the Marquee stroked his fur gently as he pondered, for the millionth time, what he would do with the great wealth that was soon to befall him. 

So I crossed out the word "the" twice before "Marquee" because at the beginning of the story you started with saying Marquee Jonnep which made me assume that was his full name. By placing the word "the" before Marquee it makes it seem like his name is just Jonnep and Marquee is the name for some kind of position but I am going to assume that's not the case. Also I'm a little curious as to how you choose the name Marquee. The only reason is because Marquee is also the name for a large tent used for social or commercial functions. I just thought that that was a little interesting and wanted to know if you knew that and used the name purposefully or if it was just a coincidence.

***

Across rivers and mountains, hills and valleys, farms and villages, there was a particularly
green and grassy hill, fairly tall but not steep. If you are going to place this castle on a hill, then I would remove the word hill at the beginning of the sentence or else it makes it look a little too repetitive. Also this set-up is a little clichéd.A castle was situated on thetop, nestled comfortably above the rest of the kingdom but also tucked away near its the corner of the kingdom.
The castle seemed regal and important, but not suited for a king. Possibly a high duke, or maybe a popular earl or wealthy baron. At the top of the castle ran a cobblestone walkway, stocked with bows and arrows and the occasional archers' tower. Several towers spiraled up into the brilliant blue sky, penetrating the blue bliss above. Compared to the massive beauty but strong fortifications of the castle, each visitor that appeared at the gate seemed small and insignificant. But [However]that didn't deter any tourists eager to explore the beauty, or caravans determined to sell exotic goods for unrealistic prices, or even local peasantry attempting to settle a squabble. Couple things with this sentence. One, it feels unfinished. Two I don't see how you went from talking about the castle and its beauty to talking about caravans and what not. Where is the tie.

The castle was full of marvelous rooms serving all sorts of functions, m from regal bedrooms to elaborate kitchens. Servants bustled around the palace, dusting portraits of old and proper kings and tidying fine linen sheets. tucked inside the castle, nestled in the perfect place, was a neat but spacious office. The two words I bolded have already been used and are now repetitive. Currently, a well-dressed man and an apparent servant or possibly adviser sat at a table in the office. [color=blue] I love the descriptions of the castle and what not but as I read I started to ask myself if all the description was necessary. Remember to avoid giving info dumps.

"King Poleing, I petition you to restrain from sending out another search party," Reginald pleaded, his brown eyes practically shining. Dialogue doesn't read much like a plead.

King Poleing leaned back in his chair. "Reginald,  I don't think you understand the situation. My daughter has been kidnapped. I intend to find her. If we do not find her, it could spell out disaster for the entire kingdom!"I have to agree with the king here. It's his daughter right, so she's the princess. Why wouldn't Reginald want the princess to be found, that seems odd.

"I completely understand the necessity of finding the princess, my liege, but you must understand that another search party will require us to send more capable soldiers away from the castle, thus compromising our security. There are already an ample amount of people searching for the princess, and once they return, you can send more out. But we cannot continue to lose soldiers, especially when we are already low on them because of the previous battles."  I see what you want to portray here but it feels slightly unrealistic to me. It's still good though.

"Reginald, finding my daughter takes priority over additional security measures. We are perfectly safe here, seeing as I have avoided all conflict for the past several months and still have insisted on keeping my most trusted and capable men remaining here." King Poleing slammed his hand down on the desk, showing that he was firmly decided on this position. 

"Your feelings are completely justified, my lord, but I don't believe I need to remind you that there are still people out there who want to get their hands on you and could be waiting for this very opportunity. Sending out search parties will not benefit the search enough to justify the risk you are taking by leaving the palace undefended." I find this to be a bit backwards. Wouldn't the search be benefited by any number of extra hands?

"Reginald, I believe I have given you my answer. I understand the risks, but I don't think they are serious enough to warrant allowing my daughter's safety to be compromised to the point where every second she is out of my sight is another second her captor has to abuse The captor doesn't have to do anything. If you want to keep this sentence, then you should add a comma after 'has.'her or even kill her. You are dismissed," King Poleing sighed with a wave of his hand. 

Reginald stood and bowed respectfully, then exited promptly to continue his duties. King Poleing pulled his jacket back on over his dress shirt, adjusted his belt,don't need the coma her and stepped back into his room to spruce up before the meeting. He had learned that looking fresh and sharp made a good impression at these slightly informal meetings and ended up only benefiting him for the small price of attention to detail. 

King Poleing scooped up the gold-handled comb and ran it through his dark hair, parting it neatly to the left. Where did the comb come from? He brushed off his shoulder pads, running his fingers through the long golden tassels andreplace "and" with a comma. Oh and you've already used the gold to describe the brush. Watch out so you don't repeat adjectives. wiping flecks of dust off. Squinting at his reflection in the mirror, he grabbed a washcloth and scrubbed at his face till it was almost sparkling. After another quick glance, he dried his face off and marched out of his washroom and into his private office. The transition of the king going form the office to the washroom is a little rough. You mentioned him walking into his room but never about him walking into the washroom.

King Poleing slid into his chair and cleared off his desk, transferring the military strategy books he had been reading before his short meeting with Reginald to the shelf. He pulled the map of the five main countries out of his drawer and made sure that his ink and quills waswere restocked. Content with his preparations, he leaned back in his chair and admired his office. 

It was fairly spacious, but it still felt nice and cozy. He had his war trophies on shelves across from him, and the office was surrounded with bookshelves containing all kinds of books. well, of course the bookshelves are going to be covered in books.He had a map spread across the table, showing both political borders but major geographical features.[s]We already know that he has the map out. You mentioned it above. Two quills and ink wells sat on the table, and parchment was easily accessible in the first two desk drawers. We also already know about the ink and quills.[s]King Poleing reclined in his padded oak chair, in front of the toasty fireplace.Again, you've already mentioned that the King was leaning back in the chair. Leaning back and reclining seem like the same thing. Watch out so you don't repeat the same ideas in different words. It can lag down your writing and make it tedious to read. Some embers still smoldered, warming the room to a comfortable temperature. The size of the room allowed the heat to spread evenly and reach to the farthest corners of the study. 

Ok, so a lot of the last few paragraphs seemed unneeded. Right now it reads a lot like an info dump. When you write you need to ask yourself if it's really necessary for the readers to know this. Such as, the size of the room. What does that do for the plot of the story?

King Poleing's stomach grumbled, and his mind drifted to the kitchen. He knew that the cooks were currently preparing a delicious chicken and potato dinner, with a side of broccoli and a small loaf of buttered bread for the first course. He could almost smell the tender chicken on the silver platter and taste the leafy green of the broccoli, tastingfind a different word the very moisture of the stems. The second course would also be delicious, a juicy watermelon and some berries, all different colors and textures. And for dessert, Lorrie had promised to make her famous apple cranberry pie with the extras from the second course. It would be a fairly modestly sized luncheon but certainly delicious and sure to  impress his guest.  Here is a paragraph with a perfect example of asking yourself if it's important or not. Do your readers really need to know what the meal is going to be like?
----- 


Ok, so that was a nice, interesting read. Really quickly, you labeled this as a short story but right now it reads more like an individual chapter since there doesn't seem to be a beginning, middle and end. Second you tend to give your readers more information then necessary. I know that it's always a good thing to set the scene but sometimes it's too much.

Other then that I think everything I needed to say is in the main line by line in one form or another. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.




Atticus says...


Hey there myjaspercat! Thanks so much for your review!
In regards to your first point, I meant marquess (which is the rank of nobility below duke but above earl), but horribly misread and therefore misspelled it when I was researching this. Thanks for catching that!

As far as the dialogue, King Poleing is arguing that finding his daughter is so important he needs to send more guards to aid previous search parties in finding her. Reginald is arguing that although finding the princess is important, the king should calm down and try to avoid knee-jerk reactions and remember that he should be careful not to compromise the security of his castle in his desire to find the princess.

And this was originally the first chapter in a novel, so I see where you're coming from. Thats also why I have a lot of info dumps.

If you wouldn't mind, I would really appreciate an answer to 1 more question: In your opinion, was my reveal that the king's guest was the villain too cliche, was it predictable, was it executed right, and was it a good wrap-up to the story?

Once again, thanks so much for your time!




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