Thomas took the last bite of his sweet potato, swallowed, and started to stand up. His mother gave him a warning look, and Thomas remembered his manners; more accurately, he remembered the consequences for bad manners. "May I please be excused?" he asked.
"Yes, you may. Scrape and rinse your plate, please," his mother answered.
Thomas obediently used his fork to force the few remaining scraps of food into the garbage can, then turned on the sink and rinsed the stubborn little parts of food still desperately clinging to his plate down the drain. Once he had satisfactorily cleaned his plate, he bounded up the stairs, three at a time, until he reached his room, slamming the door behind him.
Flopping onto his bed, Thomas reached into his bookcase and pulled out his journal and pen. Flipping open to a blank page, he clicked his pen and started writing.
Dear Journal,
Nobody understands me anymore. My parents don't think that I can pass my SATs without tutoring. I've tried to tell them over and over again that I don't need Maggie to tutor me every day for hours, that I could do it on my own. It's not fair. Just because Fred failed doesn't mean I'm doomed without a tutor, too.Stupid Fred. He's ruined everything for me. Just because Fred failed his SAT doesn't mean that I will, too. I'm not my brother. They just don't understand that I'm a different person. They think that we're the same, even though we could not be more different.
Maggie doesn't even help. She's so condescending, so picky, and she never teaches me anything. It's just a waste of my time, and I can't afford to have some of my time wasted when I should be spending 3 hours a day studying. I can't waste two hours after school listening to her drone on and on about how my parents are right. She's obviously just in it for the money. They've been duped, and I'm the only one who can see through this screen of lies. It's outrageous, really. She's taking advantage of my parents when they're so desparate for me to pass.
It's really not a big deal. I'm not trying to go to Harvard or anything. I just want to get into college, and for me to do that, I don't need a high SAT score. I wish they would understand me. It's not like I don't have a chance of getting into a “good college” and getting a job if I don't get an outstanding score on the SAT. The SAT measures knowledge, not my value as a person.
Nobody understands me anymore. Not Conner, not Spencer, not Trevor. None of them get what it's like to have parents who are obsessed over a test. They all pretend like they can relate, but none of their parents care, at least not like mine. Nobody understands me. I'm just a statistic. I'm no longer their son, I'm a failure defined by my brother's failures.
He closed the journal and placed it back on his bookcase, preparing himself to study some more. Grabbing his backpack, he checked his agenda for his evening study plan.
1 hour math, 45 minutes history, 15 minutes science, 30 minutes languages, 30 minutes English. Thomas took a deep breath and pulled out his science textbook, flipping to his study guide and covering the answers as he recited the answers to the question, word for word.
"Uracil is a nucleobase in the nucleic acid of RNA. The others are adenine, abbreviated as A, cytosine, abbreviated as a C, and guanine, represented by a G. Uracil binds to adenine via two hydrogen bonds in RNA. In DNA, the uracil nucleobase is replaced by thymine. Uracil is only found in RNA," Thomas recited. He checked the answer, and, to his relief, he was correct.
He moved down the page, reading it for the hundredth time and pausing to answer the checkpoint questions. After 15 minutes of this, he stood up and started to pace around his room, occasionally picking up one of the Beanie Babies he had collected when he was younger and tossing it from hand to hand.
This happened every study session. It was like he was expected to be an emotionless robot, memorizing the answers and cramming all the information in an entire textbook into his brain, seared into his eyelids. There was no way he would be able to remember all of this useless clutter. He was going to fail.
Maybe his parents were right. He might be just a useless failure, unable to do anything without a personal tutor by his side to instruct him in even the most basic functions. He would never get anywhere in life. He was worse than his brothers. He was incompetent.
Thomas shook those thoughts away. If he was incompetent, he would have failed a long time ago. He had made it this far, studied for countless hours and prepared for days and weeks and months, bought dozens of study tools and paid for a private tutor. He refused to let it all go to waste.
Determined, he opened his history textbook. I will not fail, he decided.
Thomas opened his notebook and flipped through it until he found his notes from today. In his messy scrawl, he had written down a few ranges of pages to study for the SATs.
17-19, 34-36, 67-70, 81-82, 104, 135-138. He started at the beginning, working through the checkpoint at the bottom of page nineteen.
Time flew as he wrote down answer after answer and then checked them. He only got 1 wrong out of the 6 questions he had answered, and eventually realized he was exhausted. If he stayed up much later, he would fall asleep over his textbooks. Glancing at his wristwatch, he saw that it was 9:06.
Good, he thought. Then Mom and Dad will see that I do put effort into this. I'm not some lazy slacker like Fred. I want to pass, and, mark my word, I will. I'm not going to go to prison straight out of high school. I'm going to go to ULC, become a star baseball player, and study business administration and management, then get a high-paying job with benefits.
And I'll have a bed. A nice, warm, cozy bed. Kinda like this bed, but much bigger, and softer, and I'll have lots of pillows. Plenty of pillows. Like those ones we saw in K-Mart the other day. I wish I had those, but this pillow is pretty comfortable too. Maybe I'll keep this pillow when I'm a star, and I'll sign other kid's pillows for them. That could be my trademark. Yeah, that's what I''ll do.
With his fantasies of success still fresh in his mind, Thomas collapsed, asleep, on his bed.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey MJ (again!)! This is the demon goddess
and your supreme rulerhere for a very quick review!I am changing my style of reviewing to make it cleaner, better, and a lot less about grammar, using the sections such as: grammar (subtopics: mechanics, dialogue, other), the plot, setting, character (subtopic: PoV), pacing, believability, clarity, and engagement. Finally, I'll include comments about some either random stuff or something I thought was wrong but didn't fit in with the rest of the story. Tell me what you think
Grammar:
Your grammar is very good. I'm just going through and nitpicking, and you only have a few mistakes that I thought was worth mentioning. Good job
Grammar- Mechanics:
Here I will describe the spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and paragraphs.
Why is there a space before "Thomas"? If it was meant to be like a tab in the beginning of a paragraph, it doesn't work in this format on the website.
After "writing" there should be a colon. It shows that he is writing the journal entry.
Grammar- Dialogue:
Here is grammar as applied to dialogue.
I do not agree with Pearl or LittleBirdie. This here is perfectly fine inside of that paragraph. Not ALL dialogue has to be on a separate paragraph.
Grammar- Other:
This applies to typos and things other than mechanics and dialogue:
Typo. There needs to be a space.
The second two "not"s should be "nor"s, like this: "Not Conner, nor Spencer, nor Trevor."
Should be "of"s in between the times and the subjects-- "1 hour of math, 45 minutes of history," etc.
Plot:
The plot for the first chapter, I'm assuming, is to set up the rest of the chapters. Yes, this chapter was a little boring (albeit I was really impressed by your knowledge of RNA, good job) but I have a feeling that I would need to know this knowledge for the rest of the chapters.
However, this didn't really get me hooked. The title did, but the plot itself didn't (though I prefer books with action scene after action scene and then a death/sad scene and then an action scene again, so don't feel bad). I would say include some forshadowing in the chapter that isn't too obvious to get the reader's brains working and to give us a taste of what would happen next, kind of like in Wheel of Time (yes, I read the book series, give me a freaking break).
I haven't read the rest of the chapters yet, but I hope this information will have to do with the other chapters. Otherwise? I would say either take this chapter out completely to make the rest of the plot more exciting or just put something to make it more suspenseful and exciting in general.
Setting:
The setting is in a house, right? Unfortunately, I imagined Thomas in a white void, an oak kitchen table, a white plate, and sweet potato crumbs on the plate in the first scene and an empty void, a bed, and my school's general science textbook in the second. I would describe it better. One or two words, such as "the empty bedroom" or the "spruce tabletop" can show a reader exactly what a scene looks like. I saw your response to Pearl's review below about the below 10,000 words predicament, but I think that you can achieve that goal with a few more words of description.
Character:
Thomas:
Thomas is a very round character, in my opinion. Like an ordinary human being (which I'm happy with. Good job, MJ. I don't see that many works on here like this. Most of the time the hero is a perfect guy
Did you make him a stereotypical stock-type character on purpose? I don't mean like the ordinary hero. I meant in the way of an ordinary high school teen. This kind of bored me a little, if I'm being honest. In a LOT of books and stories (take Inheritance, for one. Wereworld, another. Game of Thrones, even, for a third) the main character is a farmer, a reject, a something who has no idea what they are going to do. I would insert a kind of feeling, almost, about that they're special but they can't place their finger on what it is. Could be a perfectly ordinary thing that they think it is and voila! it's not! They're powers! Or destiny! Or a prophecy! Or something! (I'm assuming Thomas gets powers and co. from the title and that this is categorized underneath fantasy).
Fred:
Fred, however, is a very flat character thus far. He's the one who flunked, the one that the parents are disappointed in, the one that they always compare Thomas to. Unfortunately, I disliked this character from the start and I think that that was what you wanted, but maybe put a good trait about him? For example, you can have a few words after or before this sentence that states "though he is {insert trait}":
This will make Fred a more round character, for I have a feeling that he will be important in future chapters.
Maggie:
Hmmm...
Just kidding.
Just like Fred above, she is very flat. An obvious antagonist, I was wondering if you were doing more in the future. She seems like the normal, stereotypical antagonist that just takes advantage from people and stuff. I would put something in future chapters, like how she turns out to be a good guy or she sacrifices herself for Thomas or something. Just a thought to make it more surprising and Maggie into a better, more twisty (haha, see what I did there) character.
PoV:
I'm not going to include PoV because it's not through any of the characters, really. It sounds like it's from a narrator instead of Thomas's PoV.
Otherwise?
None of the characters are important enough to review yet. Either that, or not described enough.
Another problem with the characters is that I can't picture them. I picture Thomas as Tommy from "Origami Yoda" - a bald middle school aged boy, except taller, since Thomas wants to become a star basketball player. I would include a better description of him, his mother, and maybe even Fred and Maggie.
Believability:
I agree with Birdie. This is a VERY believable scenario, with a highschooler cramming for his SATs and worrying about his parents, who hired a bad tutor and who think of him as his brother, who had failed. Even fantasy books need some sort of believability. For example, not even an elf can outrun a wolf, which goes at speeds up to 31 mph. I enjoy books that are fantasy but have a certain amount of believability, so great job with that.
Clarity:
Other than descriptions, it was very clear the situation that Thomas was going through and what had happened to his brother. The only thing that wasn't so clear was why Maggie was like the way she was, but I'm sure that'll come up later.
Engagement:
However, unlike some of the sections above, you didn't engage the audience very well. You just [i]told the story. You didn't hook the audience into it as well as you could have and you probably should have included some foreshadowing to keep the reader thinking and going. I know I've mentioned this in "plot" but I felt like I needed to say it again.
Comments:
Impressive. Most impressive. I mean, all of this is right (I learned this in school in 7th grade) so you're good there
Overall:
Yes, I found this chapter a bit boring. Yes, some of your characters are flat. Yes, you have a few problems with grammar. However, this is a set-up chapter and there are always going to be flat characters and your grammar is spectacular compared to a lot of the authors out there. You did a very good job with this chapter and I can't wait to review the rest of your works.
Give me your soulKeep on writing! ~Squire DemonGoddess of KotGR, formally KaraStevens
Thanks for the review Kara! I read this before, but I never commented, so here is my response:
I appreciate your thorough character critiques, and I agree with you that some of the minor characters need more depth. I didn't put as much thought into them as I should have and just used them to set Thomas up. I'm glad Thomas seemed believable, and it was intentional that he was very ordinary. He's very driven, and he could seriously be anybody. I think that makes the story seem more personal, and it was something that I was absolutely trying to do, so I'm glad it worked!
Anyway, thank you so much for all of your notes. I would love to say that I knew all that stuff about RNA and could recite it from memory, but honestly, I just rephrased the Wikipedia article XD. I thought it would be a nice touch. It isn't a foreshadow or anything.
Hopefully you enjoy the next chapters!
You're welcome! How'd I review? This is a new style, so I was wondering if you think it's good enough
Yeah, I could recite the stuff about cells like **snap** this. It comes with being one of those people who memorize things immediately by reading them, haha. If you ever need help with that stuff, PM me lol :3
Again, you're welcome!
XD I'll keep that in mind since I'm taking physical science this year and biology next. I liked how you split it up into grammar, characters, and plot, but I don't know if all the subpoints were necessary (like putting in two separate grammar parts). Just my thoughts, you do whatever seems best to you.
Hey, MJ! YWS suggested I review the fourth chapter of this story, so I figured I would start from the beginning. This is a short chapter, so my review shouldn’t be too long.
I really like the beginning of this, because without much dialogue or description, you’re able to set the foundation for Thomas’ Mom’s personality. Already, without doing much, you give the impression their parenting demands strict obedience, and there’s high expectations to meet their standards. But, in a paradoxical kind of way, they seem to have such a low opinion of Thomas and don’t seem to think he’ll be able to achieve much, based off his brother’s past failures. Thomas is already a relatable character, and I like him.
Really my biggest complaint would have to be how you choose to elaborate on the context of the story. Thomas goes to his room and immediately starts writing in his journal, which is how we find out about anything and everything that this story is supposed to be about. It’s a lot of telling and no showing, you know what I mean? The journal entry makes for a nice template for you- the author –to use to know what you want to write about and where your story is going. But as a reader, it’s kind of boring.
It would be really cool, I think, if you showed us his parents lack of belief in his ability to pass the SAT, and them comparing him to Fred, and Maggie being a condescending and terrible tutor. It would make the first chapter a lot longer, for sure, if you were to write out his entire day and his struggle with his parents and Maggie’s treatment. But it would give the reader a closer look and a better feel for who Thomas is, and we would be able to feel what he’s feeling more.
I really liked you describing some of his studying, and his conflicting thoughts of, “My parents are right-- no, they’re not.” Because it can be difficult to stay determined when it feels like everyone is against you. And describing him studying is exactly the kind of “closer look and better feel” thing I just mentioned in my previous paragraph. We get to see what Thomas is doing and how he does it. It’s nice.
And what I love about the ending as he rambles until he falls asleep is that it has a very “sleepy train of thought” vibe to it, so you did that really well.
That’s all I’ve got for you! I hope something I said was helpful.
Keep writing! I’m off to the next chapter.
xPomeroyx
ah, I just read your reply to one of the previous reviews, that your goal was for the entire story to only be 10,000 words.
With that in mind, I think this could be a neat story if expanded. But even without that, you set the characters pretty well, like I said at the beginning of the review!
Thanks @Pomeroy! I might expand on this and add in your suggestions, but your review was very helpful. Thank you and have a nice day!
Best wishes,
MJ
Hi MJTucker! Whatcha here for a review.
Wow, this is actually pretty good. Except for the fact I was looking for things to correct, this could've been a real book. So, moving onto the review.
Not much grammar stuff - in one of the journal entries you did a period and then the next sentence, no space - ''. . . too.Stupid Fred.'' you see what I mean? It should be 'too. Stupid Fred.'
Like LittleBird8060 mentions, every time a person says something, it should be the start of a new paragraph.
I like how you used the journal to express his thoughts, as it's harder to express thoughts in third person.
Maybe a bit more description?
I love the length of this - easy to review, but just long enough to be a chapter.
I don't really have much else to say! I'm gonna go check out chapter two, because I want to know where this story goes.
~whatcha
Thanks for the thoughts Pearl! My goal for the entire book was only 10,000 words, so I didn't want to go into too much detail, but I can understand your position. The grammar notes were also helpful-- I struggle with dialogue sometimes. Once again, thanks for your time, and have a nice day!
Oh, I see what you mean . . .
You're welcome!
Hello! I'm just an amateur reviewer, but I still want to practice and get better. I hope my suggestions down in the spoiler helps, and if it doesn't sorry for wasting your time.
Key:
My comments will be in red
My suggestions to add something will be in green
My suggestions to remove something will have a strikethroughNon-important random comments. Probably me stating out something funny or just completely random.
Spoiler
I found your story of someone who's struggling with the pressure that their parents are putting on them very relatable, and it's also something I commonly see from where I live. Since I live in South Korea, (yes, the Asian parent stereotypes are true for several parents here) I know several students at my school who go to several cram schools and stuff . Most students seem to go to at least 3 and I've also met some who go to 8 cram schools in a week (that student barely gets any sleep). Those students seem to always look tired during class, and I'm pretty sure it's due to lack of sleep caused by all the cram school homework. I'm glad that my parents don't send me to any cram schools and just let me study on my own.
I wonder if Thomas' parents will ever understand his feelings. I hope they do.
I also got a question. Is this story based off of a personal experience or someone else's? Your story seems like something that is quite relatable and common.
Well, I'll stop rambling, and hopefully my review helps
Thank you! Your review was very helpful, and no, this sotry was not based off of personal experience. The story takes a bit of a turn in the next chapter, so I would really appreciate it if you would check it out and give me some feedback! Your reviewing is really awesome and helpful, so keep up the good work!