Heir of the Moonlight chapter 3

Cold fingers grabbed Thomas around the chest and started to shake him. Thomas snapped awake and sat upright, looking around for whoever had touched him, defensively curling his hands into fists. He was prepared for a fight when an old man bent over him, holding a candle. {Cold fingers makes me think that the king is using both hands, so this confused me a little. Make it more clear, maybe by adding "five cold fingers" or something like that}

Thomas jerked away and reached for some sort of weapon when the memories rushed towards him. He relaxed, forcing a smile and bowing at the king.

"Please forgive me, Your Highness, I was disoriented," he excused himself.

The king chuckled. "It is of no consequence, young one. Come, we have arrived at the palace."

Thomas stretched lazily and nodded at the king. The king motioned for him to exit, and Thomas quickly and obediently turned around and scuttled down the ladder, going as quickly as he could without tripping over himself.

He landed ungracefully on the ground and tottered for a second, close to losing his balance. Another pair of hands steadied him, and Thomas looked up into the face of the general.

"Be careful, boy. The king would not be pleased if you injured yourself by falling off the ladder," he commented sarcastically.

Thomas bit back a rude remark and simply nodded {This reminds me of Allison :3}, not trusting himself to answer in a polite manner. It was better to be safe than sorry, especially considering that the man he might be insulting had a gun. The king had taken a liking to Thomas, but the general didn't seem to have a lot of patience for boys like him{.}

The king laid a hand on his shoulder, and Thomas looked up into his eyes. This was the first time he had seen the king in good lighting, and he realized that the king used to be handsome. His eyes were a deep blue, a little bit foggy but in an intelligent way, if that was possible. His nose was crooked, suggesting that it had possibly been broken {before}, and his face was remarkably almost scar-free, although that made sense if he had been raised in a life of luxury at a palace.

"Come this way, boy, we will enter through the side gate so as to avoid all of the hassle of security at the front entrance." The king beckoned for Thomas to follow, and Thomas bowed his head and followed the king.

They cut across a meadow, a few of the king's soldiers walking around them with hands on their guns. Thomas found it hard to relax in such a tense environment, even though the sounds of nature around them were very soothing, but the king appeared to have no problem settling right into their stroll. He hummed unfamiliar melodies and walked as if he had all the time in the world, in no particular rush, just enjoying the scenery and the sounds of nature.

They walked for a good thirty minutes. Thomas was pleasantly surprised when the king was able to match his relatively accelerated pace, and was also impressed by how fit the old man appeared to be. He was barely out of breath when they reached the top of a hill, and Thomas was struggling not to show how tired he really was from that jaunt.

The king spread out his hands in front of them. "Behold, boy, the grand castle of the King of Moonlight!”

Thomas gaped in awe at the pure majesty of the glorious castle set out before them. Tall, marble towers stretched up towards the sky, ending in beautiful, cone-shaped domes. Archers and soldiers patrolled a walkway a hundred feet above them, and waved to the king.

Even from afar, the king was easily recognizable from his trailing red robe and long, full beard. The way he carried himself and his entourage also made it clear that he was someone of importance, and a common soldier could not just walk up to him and begin a regular conversation.

As they walked along the side of the emerald-green lawn, a soldier motioned for his general to come, kneeling in reverence of the king. The king casually waved him to his feet and embraced the general. “How goes it, General Boask?” {**tries hard not to make a Star Wars reference**}

“Very well, Your Highness. The enemy {Ooooooohhhh, an enemy? Interesting} has not advanced any farther, and we cannot detect any threats on our other borders.”

The king nodded. “Good, good. As you were, general, but we will be entering through this door. I have brought a visitor for the queen.”

“Of course, my king, but is that wise? What with the enemy invasions and all?” The general lowered his voice, but Thomas could still hear it.

“I believe that this boy has only good intentions,” the king stated firmly. The general bowed and inserted a thick bronze key into the door, swinging it open. The king stepped inside, and Thomas followed him.

They walked through a dimly lit cobblestone passageway for a while, then reached some stairs. It smelled of moth and rust, and wasn’t a particularly enjoyable smell. Thomas was relieved when they stepped out of the cellar.

The sudden entrance startled many of the servants bustling around the hallways. Some maids screamed and dropped vases, immediately apologizing and bending over to sweep up the remains with profuse promises to repay whatever debts they had accumulated in that clumsy action.

The king waved it away, mumbling distractedly to each of them as he wandered the hallways. They climbed staircases with gold railings and red carpets, knocked on thick oak doors and walked through bedrooms with thick linen sheets and beautifully carved dressers, and stopped servants in crisp white pants and blue shirts to ask where the queen was. No one knew, and Thomas was beginning to worry that they would wander for hours.

Perhaps the king was deranged or mentally insane. That could explain the almost patronizing behavior of the other servants. Thomas’{s} imagination ran wild with the possibilities, and he became very concerned.

“Come, Thomas, we will turn here,” the king ordered.

Thomas hesitated. “Sir, perhaps it would be better to--”

The king cut him off. “You question my decision?”

“No, sir! I mean, well, yes, but maybe it would be better if we didn't go this way?” Thomas faltered.

“Watch yourself, young man,” the king cautioned. “You know that remarks like that are what can get you put in prison for a long time, or even killed?”

“I'm sorry, sir.”

“Since this was your first offense, I will take no action, so consider yourself forgiven. However, the second time I might not be as gracious, and the third time, I can almost guarantee you that you will be punished, and you don't want that. Am I making myself clear?” {Oh, goodness. He's more menacing than he seems. Round character, this one. Wait, if Thomas is the "queen's son," doesn't that mean he's the "king's son" too?}

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re a good boy, Thomas. But come. We have explored long enough; it is time to meet the queen.”

The king led Thomas down the hallway to two doors, knocked on it three times, and waited.

“Come in,” a female voice trilled.

The king turned the doorknob and stepped into the spacious room, and a woman in a long green gown stepped into the light. She was truly beautiful, with eyes that matched her deep green dress and long, flowing brown curls. She wore a shining emerald around her neck, and everything about her screamed wealth. She approached the king and embraced him, holding him close to her for over ten seconds, passing the point where the hug became comfortable to watch. {The fact that she's a stereotypical queen is bothering me. Beautiful, and a brunette? Stereotypical. It bothers me}

Seeing Thomas, she dropped her arms by her side and gave a little cry.

“Is something the matter, my dear?” the king asked, laying a concerned hand on her shoulder.

“What necromancer did you contact?” she asked suddenly.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You have brought our dear son back to life!”

“No, sweetie, this is a different boy from a faraway land. I found him wandering and thought that you might enjoy his presence.”

“Oh, what nonsense! What is your name, boy?”

“Thomas,” Thomas replied sheepishly.

The queen clapped her hands together in glee. “Oh, and you have him using a different name, too! You do spoil me.”

“Eamol, this is not your son!” the king protested.

“Really, Danis, this game grows tiresome. You can admit that he is our reincarnated son. I am beginning to grow bored of your little tricks with me. And besides,” she added, “this deserves a celebration at your success! We shall hold a feast tonight in honor of this..{.} this Thomas. Call the cooks, and order them to prepare a feast of roasted lamb, potatoes, corn, and puddings!”

“Whatever you wish, Eamol,” the king succumbed with a sigh.

“Wonderful! Oh, this is such a wonderful day!”

The king led Thomas out of the room and steered him down the hallway. {This is a very unsatisfying ending }

Cold fingers grabbed Thomas around the chest and started to shake him. Thomas snapped awake and sat upright, looking around for whoever had touched him, defensively curling his hands into fists. He was prepared for a fight when an old man bent over him, holding a candle.

Thomas jerked away, reaching for anything that could be used as a weapon. But then he remembered what had happened.and reached for some sort of weapon when the memories rushed towards him. He relaxed, forcing a smile and bowing at the king.

"Please forgive me, Your Highness, I was disoriented," he excused himself.

The king chuckled. "It is of no consequence, young one. Come, we have arrived at the palace."

Thomas stretched lazily and nodded at the king. The king motioned for him to exit, and Thomasto which he responded by quickly and obediently turned around and scuttlinged down the ladder, going as quickly as he could without trippingwhile trying not to trip over himself. I think you should try not to repeat words in the same sentence, like how "quickly" was used twice here.

He landed ungracefully on the ground and tottered for a second, close to losing his balance. Another pair of hands steadied him, "Another pair"? You haven't mentioned there being a first pair. and Thomas looked up intoto see the face of the general.

"Be careful, boy. The king would not be pleased if you injured yourself by falling off the ladder," he commented sarcastically.

Thomas bit back a rude remark and simply nodded, not trusting himself to answer in a polite manner. It was better to be safe than sorry, especially considering that the man he might be insultingalmost insulted had a gun. The king had taken a liking to Thomas, but the general didn't seem to have a lot of patience for boys like him,. I think maybe you could write "but he wasn't sure if the same could be said with the general." Just a suggestion. You don't need to use it if you like you other sentence better.

The king laidplaced a hand on his shoulder, and Thomas looked up into his eyes. This was the first time he had seen the king in good lighting, and he realizedsuspected that the king may have used to be handsome. I think "suspected" is a better word than "realized" since he has no way of knowing if it was true or not. His eyes were a deep blue, a little bit foggy but in an intelligent way, if that was possible. His nose was crooked, suggesting that it had possibly been broken, and his face was remarkably almost scar-free, although that made sense if he had been raised in a life of luxury at a palace.

"Come this way, boy, we will enter through the side gate so as to I understand you're tying to make this sound formal, but it sounds a little awkward in some places. avoid all of the hassle of security at the front entrance." The king beckoned for Thomas to follow, and Thomas bowed his head and followed the king.

They cut across a meadow, a few of the king's soldiers walking around them with hands on their guns. What about replacing this part with "with an entourage of the king's soldiers who had their hands on their guns"? Thomas found it hard to relax in such a tense environment, even though the sounds of nature "Sounds of nature" seem to vague. What about something like, "sound of bird chirping and the breeze blowing" instead? around them were very soothing, but the king appeared to have no problem settling right into their stroll. He hummed unfamiliar melodies and walked as if he had all the time in the world, in no particular rush, just enjoying the scenery and the sounds of nature.

They walked for a good thirty minutes. Thomas was pleasantly surprised when the king was able to match his relatively accelerated pace, and was also impressed by how fit the old man appeared to be. He was barely out of breath when they reached the top of a hill, and Thomas was struggling not to show how tired he really was from that jaunt.

The king spread out his hands in front of them. "Behold, boy, the grand castle of the King of Moonlight!”

Thomas gaped in awe at the pure majesty of the glorious Using two adjectives sound a little weird. Maybe you could go with one. castle set out before them. Tall, marble towers stretched up towards the sky, ending in beautiful, cone-shaped domes. Archers and soldiers patrolled a walkway a hundred feet above them, and waved to the king.

Even from afar, the king was easily recognizable from his trailing red robe and long, full beard. The way he carried himself and his entourage also made it clear that he was someone of importance, and a common soldier could not just walk up to him and begin a regular conversation.

As they walked along the side of the emerald-green lawn, a soldier motioned for his general to come, kneeling in reverence of the king. The king casually waved him to his feet and embraced the general. “How goes it, General Boask?”

“Very well, Your Highness. The enemy has not advanced any farther, and we cannot detect any threats on our other borders.”

The king nodded. “Good, good. As you were, general, but we will be entering through this door. I have brought a visitor for the queen.”

“Of course, my king, but is that wise? What with the enemy invasions and all?” The general lowered his voice, but Thomas could still hear it.

“I believe that this boy has only good intentions,” the king stated firmly. The general bowed and inserted a thick bronze key into the door, swinging it open. The king stepped inside, and Thomas followed him.

They walked through a dimly lit cobblestone passageway for a while, then reached some stairs. It smelled of moth and rust, and wasn’t a particularly enjoyable smell. Thomas was relieved when they stepped out of the cellar.

The sudden entrance startled many of the servants bustling around the hallways. Some maids screamed and dropped vases, immediately apologizing and bending over to sweep up the remains with profuse promises to repay whatever debts they had accumulated in that clumsy action.

The king waved it away, mumbling distractedly to each of them as he wandered the hallways. They climbed staircases with gold railings and red carpets, knocked on thick oak doors and walked through bedrooms with thick linen sheets and beautifully carved dressers, and stopped servants in crisp white pants and blue shirts to ask where the queen was. No one knew, and Thomas was beginning to worry that they would wander for hours.

Perhaps the king was deranged or mentally insane. That could explain the almost patronizing behavior of the other servants. Thomas’ imagination ran wild with the possibilities, and he became very concerned.

“Come, Thomas, we will turn here,” the king ordered.

Thomas hesitated. “Sir, perhaps it would be better to--”

The king cut him off. “You question my decision?”

“No, sir! I mean, well, yes, but maybe it would be better if we didn't go this way?” Thomas faltered.

“Watch yourself, young man,” the king cautioned. “You know that remarks like that are what can get you put in prison for a long time, or even killed?”

“I'm sorry, sir.”

“Since this was your first offense, I will take no action, so consider yourself forgiven. However, the second time I might not be as gracious, and the third time, I can almost guarantee you that you will be punished, and you don't want that. Am I making myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re a good boy, Thomas. But come. We have explored long enough; it is time to meet the queen.”

The king led Thomas down the hallway to two doors, knocked on it three times, and waited.

“Come in,” a female voice trilled.

The king turned the doorknob and stepped into the spacious room, and a woman in a long green gown stepped into the light. She was truly beautiful, with eyes that matched her deep green dress and long, flowing brown curls. She wore a shining emerald around her neck, and everything about her screamed wealth. She approached the king and embraced him, holding him close to her for over ten seconds, passing the point where the hug became comfortable to watch.

Seeing Thomas, she dropped her arms by her side and gave a little cry.

“Is something the matter, my dear?” the king asked, laying a concerned hand on her shoulder.

“What necromancer did you contact?” she asked suddenly.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You have brought our dear son back to life!”

“No, sweetie, this is a different boy from a faraway land. I found him wandering and thought that you might enjoy his presence.”

“Oh, what nonsense! What is your name, boy?”

“Thomas,” Thomas replied sheepishly.

The queen clapped her hands together in glee. “Oh, and you have him using a different name, too! You do spoil me.”

“Eamol, this is not your son!” the king protested.

“Really, Danis, this game grows tiresome. You can admit that he is our reincarnated son. I am beginning to grow bored of your little tricks with me. And bBesides,” she added, “this deserves a celebration at your success! We shall hold a feast tonight in honor of this.. this Thomas. Call the cooks, and order them to prepare a feast of roasted lamb, potatoes, corn, and puddings!”

“Whatever you wish, Eamol,” the king succumbed with a sigh.

“Wonderful! Oh, this is such a wonderful day!”

The king led Thomas out of the room and steered him down the hallway.