Old Poem

I missed out on another point I wanted to make:

It's very hard to put the right grammar in your poem. Let's take the start for example:

Depleted I am
So full of sorrow,

One of the problems I have with your poem is the grammar. See, I'm very unsure of whether or not you've put the proper grammar in here, different grammar could make this poem mean different things, eg:

Depleted, I am
So full of sorrow.

Here that means that you are full of sorrow. Depleted is simply a word to start the poem summing up the general mood.

Depleted I am,
so full of sorrow Here you're saying depleted I am, as in you are depleted.

See what I mean? Different grammar in this poem will make it mean different things. I'm not sure whether you have got the proper grammar in it or not. You need to confirm that.

The next problem I forgot to mention:-

Your capitalization is not consistent. Some lines are capitalized, others aren't. Fix it, please

~Kirsten

I'm not going to do a long poetry critique, so I'm just going to go through some random stuff. Let's start with quotes. xD

Depleted comma I am comma

So full of sorrow

I can not seem to grasp

this concept I create

To wash away the problems

to wash down the conflicts I don't like the repetition of wash.

I am your mentor

kept tight in your hands

I fight, I brawl, your are wisked away Wisked? I think you mean whisked.

At first I am like a diamond comma

sacred and spectacular comma

But after we talk

I am just trash

From my birth I have been your flower

giving a loving thought, but only

till I am dry

How can I help, by leaving me with you

please let me help, your better with me

then the problems I give you. The last three lines are confusing.

'Kay, I'm going to be honest with you, and you might not like it :S
I didn't really like this poem. I definitely agree with Medusa about this being un-lyrical. For poetry you need to have interesting images and such. Some tips:

Emotive Language
You need core emotion. Raw emotion that you are feeling. You need this, so that you have something to convey to your audience. This is the very core of your poetry.


imagery
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel. Without imagery we're not going to be interested.

Remember the point
Remember what you want to convey. After all, that is the whole point of poetry. Think about what you want us to feel, do you want us to feel happiness, melancholy, frustration, sympathy? You must make us empathise. Apathy is not good, unless you want us to feel apathy. If you have a message to put across, make sure you do so. Always remember why you are writing the poem. You must make us feel for you. Just remember...

Your poem kind of lacks. You should read some work of the greats. There was a poetic movement called imagism, that would be great for you to search up on. Read romantics, Byron, Shelly, Keats, Wordsworth, read the Bronte's... Read anything you can, swallow it up and ask for more. Reading poetry from great poets can only improve your own.

Anyway, I hope I helped in some way.

~Kirsten
xxx

Hello,

I thought the piece, overall, was a bit confusing and also un-lyrical. Try reading more poetry, and giving clear yet poetic meaning to the poem.

I fight, I brawl, you are whisked away

How can I help, by leaving me with you
please let me help, you're better with me

The repetition of "help" should be avoided.

then the problems I give you.

This a very odd conclusion. It does not make sense in the least. I would revise the last few lines.

Those are just a few errors ^^

cheers,
Medusa.