Published January 9, 2009
This mono man making
mystical mights. Magic I see,
modern magic. My main madam
must make music to magnify my mind,
made by me
Who must modify more music to make me;
me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hi there MDockham! I realize this is a very old work, and it's possible you'll never see this review, but I'm here anyway in the spirit of #RevMo !
mirrors -> maybe the magic being described is actually mirrors/reflections? You could change the second sentence to something like "Mirrors I see, ..."
The most noticeable feature of this poem is, well, the alliteration, so I'll start there. I would usually say it feels a bit overused, but for a poem like this that's quite goofy and nonsensical, I think that's the point; it's just supposed to be fun and light. You've definitely achieved that, and the alliteration (and some subtle rhyming) makes it quite enjoyable to say aloud.
I will say that alliteration seems to be restraining your vocabulary and word choice quite a bit -> you repeat "magic" twice, "make/making" several times, "music" twice, and "me" three times. I totally get that using mostly the letter "m" can make it a lot harder to choose words, but I think that putting in the effort will make the poem a lot stronger. There are a lot of different directions you could take this poem, but I've put a list of "m" words in the spoiler below (along with some ideas for how they could be used) that might give you some inspiration.
Spoiler
mirage -> along the same lines, perhaps the reader thinks the reflection they're seeing is an illusion! If you combine the two ideas you could get something like "Mirrors I see, misguiding mirages".
matches -> or, maybe this "magic" is actually fire, and the narrator is revelling at how a small match can create flames! You could also incorporate a word like melting if you were to go that route. I think the best place to add that in would be the opening sentence: "This mono man making / mystical matches" (The reason I say that is that "mights" doesn't really make sense to me in the context of the sentence; you're using it like a noun but it isn't, really.)
mysterious -> possibly instead of "mono", as I don't believe that's a word, or at least not one that makes sense to describe a man.
You'll notice those words went in two main directions, fire and mirrors; I think chosing one of those (or something else entirely), to have as a focus of the poem, would help give it direction and continuity.
The last things I'd like to touch on are enjambent (line breaks halfway through sentences), punctuation, and capitalization.
Enjambment ~ I love how you use it in this poem! It creates a stop-and-start pull from line to line that adds to the fun tone. My favourite place where you use enjambment is in the lines "mystical mights. Magic I see, / modern magic. My main madam".
Punctuation ~ for the most part, I'm liking it! The only place I'd like to point out is the semi-colon in the second to last line; technically it should just be a comma, as it isn't connecting two full sentences.
Capitalization ~ I personally feel that this poem would benefit from no capitalization, instead of sentence case. The way it's set up, with full stops / periods in the middle of lines, it just doesn't look super tidy visually with words capitalized in the middles of lines. This is stylistic however, so feel free to disregard if you disagree! I've put how it would look with no capitalization in the spoiler below, just for reference!
Spoiler
^I also changed to semi-colon to a comma (;
Overall, a really fun and goofy poem! I think the alliteration and enjambment work really well, however I would consider looking at word choice and try to figure out what exactly your intended meaning is. I hope this is useful (if you ever read it), and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!
whatchamacallit
Featuring ShadowVyper's awesome banner!
oooh, a nice style, once i wrote very nice one about turtles, but hey, whatever,
anyways, I think the point was more or less random, so I wont bother actually trying to fix it, it
why fix what aint broke, right?
anywasy, It sure looks fun to write, kudos!
anyhow,
Peace,
God.
Wow. That defenitely looked fun to write. Very challenging to be able to get words starting with the same letter workign like that in a sentece; I've never been able to do it. So I have to admit I'm impressed, and slightly jealous of your arrangements in the piece. Nice work indeed.