Am I supposed to grow a firestorm,
In the innermost of your ribcage?
Flicker open what used to be home,
and shroud around your rage?
Rift your bones into atoms,
As if we live in archaic days?
Grapple to reign my tantrum,
But still melt inside your blaze?
Am I supposed to form an ice storm,
So I can snorkel through your glazing veins?
Foster a forlorn snow-made home?
Find an ataraxy state despite the blizzard in my brain?
Provoke blisters in your iced-skin?
Light some matches inside the snowflakes of your eyes?
Numb will be your angst and numb will be your grin,
While fire and ice collide inside your stubborn lies
Is our heartbeat supposed to be a harmony?
'Cause I thought I found home inside the paradox of your chest
Your hands were the haven for my hands like an armoury
And your body was where my Daedalian thoughts decided to rest
But you didn’t teach me how to live outside of you,
I was used to your shelter and I was used to your storm
I have to make fire and ice collide inside of you,
It’s the only way to get out there on my own
One day I’ll blend back your thawed ribcage,
I’ll make sure to breathe in all the flames
One day i’ll flare your frozen veins,
I’ll make sure to imbibe all the wintry remains
One day I’ll feel at home with myself,
And I would no longer entail your bittersweet touch
But in the meanwhile let me survive,
By having your heart close enough to clutch
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Really enjoyed the poem, it started out slow for me but really picked up at the end. The vocabulary in the beginning the poem made me feel as if I was reading it in a monotone voice. But it really did pick up in the end, and leaves me wanting to hear more from you. The only other complaint I have is this line.
"But you didn’t taught me how to live outside of you"
It is a great line, and one that most human beings can relate to that sense of not knowing how to live without the one they care for. But I would just personally change the word "taught" to "teach" it makes the entire line flow much better.
Great work, can't wait to hear more.
thank you for the review! highly appreciate it!
Hello review from Romania! The first line is confusing with I'm and I right next to each other. Also remeber your periods and commas. Theres a big difference between "Let's eat, Grandma." and "Let's eat Grandma". Its very good that you keep the juxtapition of fire and ice throughout the whole poem. Towards the end your rythme scheme gets a little fuzzy but thats okay. And the word "Daedalian" is a noun and is placed in the part of an adjective, though the noun gives an idea of what the thoughts are made of you need to modify the line to fix the grammer problem.
Thank you so much!
You have great vocabulary and juxtapose words in some extremely interesting ways. The main confusion I have with this poem is, well, confusion.... Throughout a lot of this poem I'm not really sure what you're talking about. I mean, you've got some great phrases, but throughout a lot of it I'm thinking, "Hmm. I can kinda get the picture of what she's saying here... great feeling in these words... but the meaning of them is lost like a cloud behind the sun."
Maybe being a little clearer with what you're talking about... use some normal wording and direct statements, and not just poetry-language and symbolism. You use so much metaphor--but I'm not sure what the metaphor is trying to reference.
I know this poem is about someone who is special, at least that's what it seems to me. But the poem doesn't really give me a picture of what is going on? Do they love each other? Does only the speaker love the person to whom the poem is addressed? Why are they together or not together? What's keeping them apart? Or what's drawing them together? I know this isn't a short story, so these questions don't need to all be answered; however, knowing what the literal situation is would help me, as a reader, understand and enjoy the metaphorical language more.
Most of all, please make clear how the speaker feels about the person to whom the poem's addressed. Love? Hate? Love-hate? Sadness? Anger? Love-anger?
Secondly, punctuation would help a lot for the reader to make sense of the poem. to understand what is supposed to go together and what phrases relate to each other, that kind of thing. Also, throughout most of the poem you capitalize the word "I" but about midway through the poem some "i"s are not captialized. Make sure to keep your grammar rules consistent (even if you keep it consistent by not using the rule of capitalizing the "i"s.)
Some specific examples of stuff that may need clarifying or grammar changes:
"I'm I"? The grammar of that doesn't make sense. Neither does the similar line, "I’m I supposed to form an ice storm." Did you mean "am I"? If you did, you'd need to put a question mark in a couple of places to make that clear.
Did you mean "bend back"? Also, this sounds sort of violent... I'm not sure what the attitude of the speaker is towards the person to whom the poem is addressed.
Somewhere after this line, there needs to be a question mark.
To be grammatically correct it would need to be, "Your hands were the haven..." Also, I'm not sure you need the simile "like an armoury." To me, the image is fine without that phrase. Or, maybe amend the line to something like: "Your hands were the armoury for my hands, a haven."
Why? What does that mean? I'm not sure I understand this line....
"One day I'll feel homely" ... how about "One day I'll feel at home"? Also, "inside of me" doesn't sound right to me. I think you meant "inside of myself." Or, just change the line to "at home with myself."
The flow from the line above to this line is confusing. "One day I'll feel homely ... and I would no longer ..." Some suggestions: first, writing "will no longer" would keep the verb tense consistent. I'm not sure about your use of the word "entail." Did you mean "need"? Or "feel"? And "profane touch" sounds strange. Profane is a word for something bad. It sounds like the speaker is being touched against her will... but you just said his hands were a haven...? Maybe a different adjective than "profane" would clarify your meaning here.
Okay, so the last two lines are pretty good. They might make more sense if you left out "myself." Secondly, "mean while" should be one word, "meanwhile." I get the clearest idea of what this whole poem is about and what the poem means to say in the last two lines. Some of your speaker's attitude isn't consistent with these lines... some of the word choices and turns of phrase make it seem like the speaker is angry, or hurt, or doesn't really like the one the poem's addressed to.
A final note: Sometimes (actually, most of the time) in poetry, less is more. There's a lot of disjointed, unconnected images whirling around on this page like a blizzard. You might not need all of them to make your point.
But then again, relationships with people are like being in a blizzard--confusing, frustrating... it's easy to get lost. Nice work! Keep working on your writing!
~ jessiethought ~
P.S. These are forgivable errors, especially if English isn't your first language. Is it??
Thank you so much for the detailed review! I'll fix all the grammar errors and confused phrases.
I'l take a moment to clarify certain things...
The speaker loves the person to which this poem is addressed, there is no anger in this poem, just a little taste of codependence, melancholy, disappointment, confusion and hope. The speaker got overly attached with this other person, sadly for her (since the speaker is a girl), is not really a reciprocal feeling. So that's why the speaker is struggling with finding a way to detach herself from this person. She thinks that maybe vanishing and destroying the other person (not literally and not through anger, is just an emotional process described through metaphors) is the only way in which she can eventually learn to live without him ( this person is a guy, even if is not clear in the poem.)
The speaker felt at home when she was with him and when she found out that he didn't really felt the same way, she tries to figure out a way to 'destroy' that "home" so she can gain back her independence. The juxtaposition of fire and ice is used to describe the emotional process of detachment.
Anyway, thats sort of the short story of the poem!
thank you so much for your dedication!!
~M.C.
Oh and also she is trying to figure out how to survive without him.
Sure, call on me anytime to review something. (And if I have time it should get done. "If I have time" is the key... with school and all.) And thanks for the clarification. Makes more sense now. Good theme for a poem.