Published February 17, 2010
*I rethought my beginning and started over so here is a rough draft*
I stared at the moon tonight, analyzing its every crevasse ,as it boasts in its full glory. Its like a goddess, the moon, she's a perfect light in a sea of darkness. She provokes me, my hand hand starts to shake but I fight it off. The last time I stared at the moon was the first time I shifted, It's funny to think I'm a werewolf, well I prefer lycan, the moon instigates the beast within, but I release it.
I was lying on my roof ,like I am now, just admiring the moon's beauty, when it happened. I never realized how perfect the moon was until that night, I yearned for it, I craved it. Suddenly I begin to tingle, then the tingle turned into painful quakes in my muscles. It was like i was falling when my eyes were forced shut, an eternal blackness the broke the barriers of reality. I couldn't really tell if I were breathing, I could have been choking for all I knew. The blackness was a barrier, it became the barrier between my body and the body of my new massive wolf form.
The darkness consumed me until I stumbled off the roof, hitting the cold concrete of my driveway. I let out a yelp of pain, but the sound shocked me for it was not human but a wolf, a new body that released the pressures of my life. I stumbled onto my feet and a shot of pain zoomed through my body and the darkness consumed me once more, I found myself lying naked on the cold concrete shivering in fear and excitement.
After that night I didn't speak to anyone I didn't know what to say. Nothing computed in my mind, only darkness, that terrifying darkness that made me into what I am today. A lycan, the most powerful beast in existence.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is quite an interesting sort of stream of consciousness almost to get us started. I don't believe I've run into anything quite of this nature before. Its certainly the sort of thing that catches your attention as a reader since it seems like a rather unique sort of idea or at least its not something I've managed to run into before.
Well that escalated rather quickly. I think its quite a nice little twist right there, it certainly caught be completely by surprise here especially with the general vibe that was going on in the first bit, I simply did not expect to see anything quite of this nature happen. Well..at any rate I have to say I am very intrigued to see where this might be going. As far as opening goes, this is doing its job very well at the moment.
Okayy...well its a slightly more confusing ending I think. It is a teensy bit difficult to tell where exactly you want to go with the piece there and it then leads to a rather interesting situation I think. Well at any rate, for the most part it was intriguing, but I think the ending needs a bit more sorting out or simply just some context because I think that is what is causing the biggest issue at the moment. So overall, this isn't bad by any means, but it needs a bit more going for it before you can truly feel it as a reader.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Your prologue was very well done and it made me cry for more. It was very well laid out and now I really want to find out who this werewolf (excuse me...lycan) character is.
This is incredibly good and well-written. A part from the little punctuation mistakes I highlighted in red, this is a really good start. Although I didn't read your original prologue, this one is very good and I look forward to reading the rest.
I liked this because I caught my attention and made me read till the end. It never lost my concentration and I applaud you for that *claps*. It's a really good description of him/her changing and it includes LOADS of dramatic wording.
The little nitpicks I highlighted in red are just little things, and I accept it's only the rough draft. Nothing big, no re-write. Just a little editing, ooh, and I find that reading aloud helps, or get your mum or dad to read it and edit it, if you want. Or any of your friends, or family. It'll really help, trust me
Hope I helped,
Hi MAri0O07
I like this prologue a lot.
I only have one nit-pick and that is
shouldn't there only be one hand not two?
midnightread
I really like this.
The last paragraph especially had me wanting more.
I'll be sure to read more of your work!
--->Deane
*claps slowly*
Bra... vo. I'm the guy who reviewed Chapter 4 the first time you posted it. I don't know what you were doing in the last month and a half, but your writing went from "this" to "THIS!". The last paragraph was especially powerful.
There were a few minor grammatical errors I noticed, but nothing too big.
Remember to capitalize the word "I". Also, "the" should be be "that", as in, "an eternal blackness that broke the barriers of reality".
Did you mean to put a period between "anyone" and "I"? Because you should.