chapter 1 midnight kiss

Midnight Kiss- Chapter 1

It was cold today, my breath puffed out like smoke from an old chimney as i exhaled. The morning's chill grew fiercer as the minutes slowly passed. Me and a few friends are waiting for the big yellow school bus that will bring us to are brick splattered prison, that attempts to teach to the young minds of Morning Wood high school. The scattered puddles that filled the broken concrete paths known as sidewalks began to freeze over.

All of our heads are peering in to the far end of the street as we hear the sound of what could be an engine. We all heave a sound of relief as the big yellow bus slowly makes its way down the street, we huddle together to keep warm as the cold became almost unbearable. The earth screamed for the sun's rays to melt its frozen tears away.

The screeching sound of the rusted and frozen brakes of the bus rips through the morning silence, as it pulls in front of us. The yellow and orange flashing lights seem to illuminate the street as it is still pitch black in the early morning. As I walk towards the warm bus my foot slips into a freezing puddle of water and ice.

" dammit" I yell while I begin to hop on one foot as the freezing slush begins to numb my toes. I hop my way onto the bus, cursing under my breath as the ice cold water in my shoe begins to truly cause frightening discomfort. I find the seat with the heater and i quickly begin to nestle my body around it as if the its warmth was the sun I needed to melt away my pains.

My stop being the first bus stop I watched as the absent minded teenagers flooded into the bus, the cold was not letting up and the bus was the only source of warmth. By the last stop the bus was to crowded for me to keep my seat empty any longer.

A short and fat freshmen slipped into the empty space next to me. Are eyes met an he game me a wide chubby faced smile, I just pursed my lips and turned my face away from his direction because quite frankly he smelled.

The bus went black as we were surrounded by trees, the slowly rising sun's light barely entered the trees cover.

Random flashes of light seeped into the woods and breaking the darkness of the bus. The scattered lights showed a brief image of the people around you. More and more of these flashes showed the end of the wooded shadows.

As we escaped the darkness the light emerged blinding the tired students, most of us were rubbing are eyes trying to re cooperate our vision. As we begin to see again we are vaguely noticing are boring high school, Morning Wood.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Random avatar
Shaelieh
Review

Oh boy, I usually dont look at vampire stories because Im sick of them but this one needs some help. I'm sorry but I don't like your writing style. In the first paragraph I would have re worded it. Even the first sentence was a bit iffy. The second sentence was ok but a tad bit long for its explanation. The third sentence: The scattered puddles that filled the broken concrete paths known as sidewalks began to freeze over. Everyone knows their sidewalks, you dont need to point it out. Its all good though, you have potential.
But still my opinion is everyone is making vampire stories because of twilight, even I did but I stopped after alot of pages because I realized it wasn't even my own story. It was, but to a certain extent. My opinion, try something new.

The second paragraph, Ickk. I liked the ending sentence but the rest is kind of dragged out and just plain miss-worded. <---- my own word :D

Ok this is needs work..The screeching sound of the rusted and frozen brakes of the bus rips through the morning silence, as it pulls in front of us. Ok you have sounds in this portion but include something else in it, maybe it startles someone or something like that. The screeching sound of the old frozen brakes made the silence of this morning terrifying. Or something like that.

"Dammit" is not a word.

Are eyes met an he game me a wide chubby faced smile, I just pursed my lips and turned my face away from his direction because quite frankly he smelled.
Reword it?
Our eyes met and he gazed at me with a wide chubby faced smile, I just turned away from his direction because quite frankly he smelled.



I ran out of time, sorry bout' that, go review mine if you want, tell me all my flaws haha.

User avatar
KJ
Review
KJ wrote a review · Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:15 am

Hello, MAri0O07. Whew, this is messy. I don't normally do this, but I just wanted to make a suggestion in hopes that you'll get more reviews: Capitalize. It looks sloppy and unprofessional when you don't, and people tend to stay away from titles that look like that. Also, working on your punctuation wouldn't hurt, either. You have a lot of run-on sentences. There's a great website on comma placement that I like: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

And a website that offers assistance on the whole showing-not-telling scene: http://www.writedesignonline.com/assign ... ttell.html

Also, dialogue should look like this: "Hello," she said.

Hope I helped a bit. Good luck with your editing.

KJ

User avatar
cnvalambrosia
Review

In this you realize how contempt he is. I like how you show that he is contempt without stating it...... I hope you understand this.

But, I'll be frank. It was eventless which gets boring quick.

Now go insult my story! :D



The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler