The sun beat down on a wolf standing in a field. Her fur was matted and bits of it clung to the tall grass. The cinnamon coloured fur caught the eye of a passing beetle who started to nuzzle into the warmth. She cocked her head to one side at the creature but she was soon distracted. Her tongue lolled from her mouth, her eyes were alight and her tail was a fast propeller as she zoomed through the open grass. It was finally springtime again. The snow was disappearing and the prey flourished. It was as though the trees around her swayed with enthusiasm.
She fell to the ground and rolled on her back looking as though she was trying to relieve an itch. As she wriggled back and forth, her heart fluttered with delight because she could finally see the sun again.
“Hey Saerra, what are you doing lazing about all day?” A friendly voice yelled.
Saerra’s ears perked up. She rolled back onto her paws and crouched low in the tall grass. Now Leka’s got it coming for her. One paw print after another, Saerra slowly crept towards the wolf who spoke.
Leka could only see the rustling grass and something moving inside. She tilted her head to one side, eyes fixated on the moving grass then chuckled loudly and rolled on the ground.
“You really think you can scare me? Haven’t I taught you already how to creep up on a wolf? Gosh Saerra you need to learn fast!” Leka chuckled.
A head popped up through the grass like a whack o’ mole.
“Better luck next time,” Saerra chuckled, but her tailed stopped wagging. She didn’t like being insulted so abruptly.
“Well friendy, they want you for the next hunt. Don’t ask me why, it’s not like you’ve ever killed your own prey,” Leka laughed and walked back to camp.
Saerra’s head bowed. Every member of her pack knew she couldn’t hunt. Something overcame her every time she got close enough to the kill. The bloodlust overtook her like any other wolf and she wanted to please her alphas. Somehow she could never get to the neck of the rabbit or the mouse. She blamed it on her poor running skills.
The young wolf dragged her paws back to camp, her tail drooping. The sun made her so happy. She wanted to lie in it and think about the amazing world around her. She had so many questions. Why do rabbits look the way they do? How does the sun and moon collaborate for sky space? Why do some creatures have packs and some others live by themselves?
Then reality always hit. She had to help her pack hunt for the new spring pups or had to clean up the dens. There was never any time for herself to wander and ask questions about the world. No other wolf in the pack could match her philosophical questions and debates. She had a knack for understanding every wolf around her but they never knew what was going through her head. As she walked back to camp, more questions kept buzzing through her head.
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Heya M00ny! I love wolf stories...
It was a good idea to split up your chapters into parts. You'll get more reviews, for one thing, and online readers tend to get lazy and don't want to read chapter sizes you'd find in books, but will gladly read something of this size.
As I usually do with reviews, I'm going to hunt for "nitpicks" - also knows as errors in your writing - as I read, then I'll delve into some deeper things.
"But she was soon distracted" is rather vague. The reader doesn't know that this distraction equals running around until the end of the second sentence. To fix this, be more specific with what the wolf is distracted about. Say "she was soon distracted by the promise of the sunset" or something like that. Then I would add another sentence in between the ones I highlighted that at least says that she gets to her feet. This'll make the whole paragraph much smoother, and since it's your first paragraph, you want to make it as perfect as you can!
I changed the position of the dialogue tag so that your reader knows who is talking sooner. I also changed "yelled" to "said." That's because whenever you have to use a dialogue tag, you should use "said" around ninety percent of the time. Check it out yourself in any published book: the majority of the time, plain "said" is best. In this chapter, though, you never used it once! From now on, don't be wary because it's too boring.
As you can probably see for yourself, the constant repetition of "chuckled" isn't working. In both dialogue tag instances, you could have used "said" and it would have been just fine. Also, be sure to emphasize earlier exactly how tall that grass really is. If a big wolf can hide herself in it, it must be pretty long.
Huh? For one thing, that doesn't really sound like something a wolf would say. For another, it doesn't make much sense. The rabbit question in comparison is so basic and nonspecific.
The way this is worded sounds like the pack is hunting for new pups, not hunting for food.
Enough nitpicks. Let's talk about the good stuff!
I love how you describe Saerra's fur as cinnamon in the first paragraph, instead of something like "light brown," which doesn't have nearly as much impact. She's also very well characterized so far, even though it's only the first part of the first chapter. Telling us that one of her jobs is cleaning the den indicates that she's an omega of the pack, and the way Leka talks to her tells me that she doesn't get a lot of respect. What she lacks in hunting skills, however, she clearly gains in brainpower and cheerfulness. Overall, she's a likable underdog, er... underwolf.
When Leka is first described as having a friendly voice, I thought she would be a bit kinder. Saerra seems to like her, but that might be because she doesn't have many friends in the pack and any kindness is overly appreciated. Leka just seems to think that she's high and mighty. I don't have a firm opinion about Leka yet though, since I've hardly read about her. I'll just have to wait and see what her heart is really made of.
That's all I have to say! I found this piece highly entertaining and it was a pleasure to review. I can't wait for Part Two! Let me know when you post it.
Write, write, write!
Thanks for this! When I get a spare minute I'll thoroughly read your review. I really appreciate this
Thanks for this, I love your detailed review and agree with everything you've said. I'm learning professional writing at University now (only had one class so far) and realizing all the mini mistakes I've been making. It makes it easier to review your own work when you get training.
I'm glad you liked the story, writing really is a skill to be practiced!
Ooh, classes, nice! I'd like to take some creative writing classes sometime.
Yes that would be great! Although I read someone from writingsforums.org say they learned so much more through getting critiques online than any writing class.
Hey there, yizhongt here to give a review.
I like this piece and thought it was very well written. The story flowed very smoothly and the descriptions you give are really nice. I find the main character rather cute, personality wise and I like how she is very curious about the world and how it works.
I could not find any spelling or grammar mistakes while reading through it. Honestly I have nothing negative to say. Would like to see part 2 and how this story pans out and whether or not Saerra can find the answers to the questions she's asking.
Keep on writing. Cheers !
Thank you so much for the kind words, I really appreciate it
it helps encourage me to write more. I'll check out your writing too!
Hello m00ny,
I really enjoyed your story and like the thought process through it. I would like to help you with some things that might make your story better. I myself have always wanted reviews and opinions on my stories to help me improve it to the best I can get it. Here is my opinions and some corrections you could use.
The cinnamon coloured fur caught the eye of a passing beetle who started to nuzzle into the warmth. (colored is the right way to spell it)
She cocked her head to one side at the creature but she was soon distracted. (you could put 'looking' in after [side] in this sentence. also put a comma before [but])
Her tongue lolled from her mouth, her eyes were alight and her tail was a fast propeller as she zoomed through the open grass. (in this sentence you could put a comma after [alight])
It was finally springtime again. (if you wanted you could rearrange this sentence, for example...... Finally, it was spring time again.)
The snow was disappearing and the prey flourished. It was as though the trees around her swayed with enthusiasm.
She fell to the ground and rolled on her back looking as though she was trying to relieve an itch. (in here you could put a comma after [back])
“Hey Saerra, what are you doing lazing about all day?” A friendly voice yelled.
Leka could only see the rustling grass and something moving inside. She tilted her head to one side, eyes fixated on the moving grass then chuckled loudly and rolled on the ground. (in here you could use another comma after [grass])
Gosh Saerra you need to learn fast!” Leka chuckled. (you could put a comma after [Saerra] to make it run smoother in the readers mind)
The bloodlust overtook her like any other wolf and she wanted to please her alphas. (take out the [and] then replace it with a period to make it two different sentences. that sentence is a little weird to me to read)
Somehow she could never get to the neck of the rabbit or the mouse. (put a comma after [rabbit])
Why do some creatures have packs and some others live by themselves? ( in this sentence you could do a few things to make it better. first, I would put a comma after [packs]. second, I would take out [some] after [and]. third, I would put in 'yet' after the comma you put in first. the sentence would read...... Why do some creatures have packs, yet others live by themselves?)
She had to help her pack hunt for the new spring pups or had to clean up the dens. (put a comma after [pups])
She had a knack for understanding every wolf around her but they never knew what was going through her head. (put a comma before [but])
I really hope I helped you. I enjoyed this very much while I was reading it. Please continue the great work and never stop creating. _WXA_
WOW @WritersXAnonymous I really appreciate this review. It would've taken you so long!! I can't believe you went into that much detail. Thank you!! I can't wait to read your work.
One thing is that in Aussieland (Australia) we spell colored as coloured. It's weird, I know. I try to keep to Australian spelling so I don't forget while writing essays at Uni (they hate it if we change it haha)
And wow thanks, I have a comma issue I can see. I think I'll read some articles about how to properly put commas in. This is a weak spot of mine.
Thanks again