I know that you cannot tell that this is a fantasy, but wait for the next chapter, and then you'll see okay? Crit welcomed. Enjoy!
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"I am sorry I cannot come over. Can we maybe plan another time?" Fiona wailed over the phone to her best friend, Jymie.
"Why can't you? We have been planning this for like, ever!" Jymie said.
"I have to visit my grandmother." Fiona told.
"Can you bail?" Jymie asked.
"No, I already tried."
"Well, what's there to do? Is your mom coming with you?" Jymie asked.
"Well, yeah, remember, I can't drive I am only thirteen! Did you think I was going to walk all the way there?" Fiona asked. Jymie giggled. "And besides, my grandmother has this huge attic, full of trinkets, these gowns and old toys from when my dad was a kid. And trust me Jymie, that means they're really old!" Fiona put in. At that, both girls giggled.
"Bye! I'll call you tomorrow!" Fiona said ending the conversation.
"Bye." Jymie said.
Fiona sighed and went up stairs to get ready. She had always loved going to her grandma's house. Her favorite part, like she told Jymie, was the attic. While her mom and her grandma would talk, she would sneak up to the attic and shuffle through the toys, the pictures, and all the other things her grandma kept all those years. Even when Fiona got older, she would scurry up to her grandma's attic and play through the memories and treasure's.
Fiona and her mom stumbled into the car. And they are off to Fiona's grandma's house. As they pulled up to her old brick house, Fiona rolled down the window and starred at the house.
It was big. Much larger then Fiona's. The bricks were mostly faded grays and reds and huge trees sprouted every which way in her yard. Because it was winter, the tree limbs were bear. There long trunks and out stretched branches looked like naked figures stretching.
Fiona and her mother walked up the driveway and knocked loudly. They both knew it would be a while, and they would probably have to knock a couple times. Fiona's grandma had the worst hearing. And she usually stayed up in her room. She spent her time making little glass things. Either mirrors, or bottles, or anything made out of glass, she probably has made it.
After three more knocks an old lady with graying brown hair opened the door. She stepped away to let them in and then she closed the door.
"Brr. It is a chilly day isn't it my dears?" Grandma said. Her voice was fluent and astonishingly beautiful for her old age. She walked toward the green soft couch and plopped down with a small grown. Fiona followed and sat next to her grandma and hugged her tight.
"Hi, Grandma!" Fiona said squeezing the old lady tight.
"I am so glad you came. It's been a while hasn't it?" Grandma said.
"It has been long. Especially for Fiona." Mom said.
"Yes my darling." She said to both of them.
After some chit chat, Fiona's grandma and mom were in a deep conversation and were not paying any attention to Fiona.
"This is my chance!" Fiona thought. She quickly got up and headed toward the stairs. She reached the top in no time. "One more to go," She breathed to herself.
She reached the attic door. Quietly she opened it and stepped in. Light from the little windows shined dimly in the attic. Fiona watched her step and walked around. She wanted to find something amazing to take a picture of and show Jymie. Finally she fond it. A giant mirror, the size of a door, but bigger. Smiling, Fiona grabbed her picture phone and took the shot.
"What in the world!" She breathed as she looked at her picture. There it was. The room, the toys, everything, but her. There was no her, or the flash. As if she did not exist at all.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Overall, I liked the beginning. You have a good writing voice, though I did find a few things to nitpick.
The topic changed suddenly in the beginning of the conversation; I would have expected there to be some amount of discussion on how unfair parents were before launching into a description of the grandmother's attic. She doesn't seem too upset about having her plans interrupted, either.
Describing the grandmother's voice as 'fluent' is odd. It makes me think that she's foreign, and that English is her second language. Second, why is she making glass in her room? People who make glass things usually do so in their own studios-- it's not an easy beading project.
If it's been a while since they've been there, why is it? A long drive?
I really like how you did the ending, with the mirror and the camera flash. Overall it's a good start.
This is a really good start
You've got a good plot going, although you could possibly pace it out by adding some more description. The intro could be a little more exciting, but still it's very good.
It might be an idea to think about the structure of your sentaces aswell, for example:
"Because it was winter, the tree limbs were bear(bare). There long trunks and out stretched branches looked like naked figures stretching."
If you were to rephrase this, possibly into one sentence, it could be a very effective complex sentance
There's a few little problems like spelling and grammar, and a little too much repetitevness, but that can easily be fixed =)
All in all, it's very good, and I'd love to read on!
It says that the trees on Grandma's lawn had no leaves. That's "bare," not "bear." And "there" should be "their."
Other than that, good work.
Nice beginning! I think you did a really good job of getting straight to the point, to the action, when it mattered, and this shows a lot of promise. I can't wait for chapter two!
There were a few little spelling mistakes, such as
Which should be "a small groan"
I also found the beginning of the passage a tad confusing. First Fiona's going on about how she tried to get out of going to her grandma's house, then she''s talking about how much she loves going there? Unless, of course, that's just part of her character, the type of person who says one thing, but thinks another.
You've got a strong start here, nice job! ^_^