Published December 10, 2008
Wars.
Violent.
Passionate.
Completely and utterly rash.
Nonsensical.
Stupid.
Why the hell,
Would you do this?
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
This is thoroughly absurd.
You could die;
For a cause,
You don't even care about.
I get it,
But you don't have to do this.
You don't have to go to war.
It's not required.
Your not a solider.
It's not your place.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
I can see the message you are trying to send. War may bring complete destruction or could bring peace in the aftermath. It can be used for a cause or could be used to satisfy the selfish heart of mankind. This may be a simple poem, but it brings a meaning when you read it closely.
To me it seems a bit simple. What you are trying to convey is a mighty topic. So let it come out that way.
Hope this makes sense
I think I actually disagree with the other reviewers, I think it has a meaning and that the gaps and short sentences build up climax and make you want to read it slower which, when read in the right rhythm creates an affect of soldiers marching..0_0 sorry maybe that's just me then!
I think this poem has great potential but just needs a little bit more thought tracking and also I think the length is OK, if, you use more meaningful words.
Maybe at the moment you could have made it a bit longer and have a better ending as I thought maybe that towards the end I was expecting a blow and a saddening end but unfortunately that didn't come, although the ending was satisfactory I think!
~ Hayley
Hmmmm... I think you have the same problem with writing poetry as I do, because I see no feeling or emmotion behind any of this.
From what I read, you break your sentences way too much so I recomend you try putting more of them together, otherwise, your poem sounds rushed and tightly squeezed together.
I don't get it...
Not bad but you could have done it longer. Then it be better!!! rite now you are just pooting in couple of words. But not bad keep on writeing.
I am not sure how I feel about this, it's very...bland? When you are talking about something like War, you could have some really good description, here you just say basically "It's bad and I don't like it."
I need more, tell me why, sure it's crazy but why did it matter so much that you had to write something about it? Sure it's stupid, but give me more.
Around here there is this really important thing that people are going to press upon you, "show don't tell". Right now you are telling me it's bad and as great as that is... I am left with nothing.
You didn't throw any passion into this, and after reading it I can tell. It reads much like a grocery list.
Try coming up with an image, or a story, and show us that. Make us feel sick when we hear the word "war" and think of how terrible it is.
Description is your friend
Best of luck
OverEasy