z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Ashes 2.2

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

We entered the restaurant through the two big red doors and the smell of delicious food hit the instant we stepped in. It wasn’t super busy, considering it was right in between lunch and dinner time. A lady with a striped long sleeve and a black apron and jeans on shuffled over to us, smiling.

“Welcome, three seats?” She looked between the three of us, lingering on Mershon and Aysia, probably wondering why there were such unusual customers in the restaurant, and if they would even be able to afford what they were going to order. I’m guessing she doesn’t see a lot of homeless people pass through.

“Yes, please,” I smiled, and she took one more look at Mershon and Aysia before turning and leading us towards a table with four seats. She picked up one seat and moved it to another table, and then proceeded to sit our menus in front of us as we all took a seat. Aysia was happily looking around at all the pretty decorations around the huge dining place, while Mershon watched his glowing child, smiling. I wondered what it felt like to have a kid to look after, I’ve heard so much about it from other people about how it’s a blessing and the best thing that’s ever happened to them. Obviously I wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to my parents, since they didn’t seem to want to stick around long enough for me to see my thirteenth birthday.

I shook out of my train of thought to see the waiter, Aysia, and Mershon looking at me with worried looks. I noticed they were waiting for me to say something, but what? “I’m sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. What did you say?” I said, quickly trying to brush off the embarrassment of missing what she had said, and being so far in my head that I didn’t notice them staring at me.

“What would you like to drink, sir?” The waiter smiled. She seemed like she was bored, because her smile didn’t scrunch the corners of her dead eyes. I wondered what she’d rather be doing.

“Some black coffee, please.” I answered. She quickly scribbled something down on her pad, and after going around getting everyone’s orders she was off. Mershon smiled and thanked me again, he still seemed to be in awe that he was able to eat there. I wondered if people treated him badly because he was homeless. The bad thing about homeless people these days is that some of them aren’t even without a home. They pretend to be to get a free meal or money. But for some reason I believed Audrey when she said that she had watched over this family and tried to provide for them.

“So, have you had an injury while working?” I asked, making small talk while waiting for our food.

“Yes, actually. I have serious back and knee problems, which makes it pretty much impossible to work anywhere.” Mershon sighed, “They also have so many fancy machines these days, so they fire the disabled workers first.”

I frowned, “I’m sorry,” was the most I could say. I didn’t really know what was appropriate and what wasn’t. My job had kept me from really being social, knowing that I would be moving as quickly as I had came. I guess that was one of the setbacks to my job, I was secluded from a normal life and normal friends. Although I had never been the popular kid, I did have some friends from high school back at home. But once we all got jobs and moved, we didn’t seem to keep in touch. It was rather sad, actually.

We continued with pointless chatter about the economy and the weather until our food came. I tried to stay of super personal topics since I had just met this man, and I definitely didn’t need him to start asking me a bunch of questions. After a while conversation burned out and we ate our food. Well, I ate my food, Aysia and Mershon wolfed it down even though it was steaming hot. It was only then that I truly understood just how badly they had it, and I really saw them. I noticed the dark circles under their eyes and the bruises on their bodies and the way their bones poked out of their skin and how their clothes fit too tight and were worn through. It was so sad but it really told a story about how strong they were. The very fact that they were still going strong after all of these things that have happened to them physically. And not to mention mentally, which I couldn’t even begin to imagine how bad that was taking a toll on both of them.

But at least they had each other, they loved each other. Maybe that’s what got them through so many hardships. You could just tell by the way Mershon looked at his daughter that he would do absolutely anything for her to be able to grow up healthy and maybe some day live in a better place. It was so beautiful, and I wondered what it felt like to love and be loved. I had never really felt it. I barely remember times where my parents had actually been supportive and loving towards me. I believe the last time i remember was around the time I was eight, ever since then they had been distant, drunk, and fighting all the time. My grandmother told me that they used to love me more than anything in the whole world, and that they would’ve done anything for me. My grandfather told me that they were dead, but my grandmother promised me they were out somewhere looking for something that would make the world a better place. I doubted either of their explanations as to why my parents has disappeared ten years ago.

Once we were all finished, I called my driver to come pick us up. I made sure to give him a heads up on the situation at hand, and although he sounded unsure about the situation, he also didn’t stop me. Almost fifteen minutes later he pulled up to the curb of the restaurant, and we all slid into the back of the car. We all got settled in and he started towards the house that Jae had provided me with. Soon enough, we pulled up to the house, and Mershon was silent next to me, staring at the big house in front of him.

“You’re only here on business for a couple of days?” he questioned, in awe of the size and luxury of the house before him.

“Yes, yes I am.” I replied quickly, hoping he wouldn’t notice the distress in my voice. We walked up to the house slowly, Aysia’s hand in his. There was a stone path leading up to the house, the stones were different shades of black grey and blue, and green bushes outlining the stone path. The door was blue and the house was white. I dug around my pocket for my keys, and then picked out the one for the house. Mershon and Aysia patiently waited while I unlocked the door. Once I got it open, we walked inside and I quickly started to switch on lights, we had somehow spent two hours at the restaurant eating, so the sun was setting.

They were as silent as the night behind me, and I turned to see them looking around at the details of the house as if they were in a museum. "Uh, would you like me to show you where you'll be sleeping?" I shifted my weight, putting my hands in my pockets. They both nodded, watching me intently. Aysia yawned I realized that since she was younger she would probably have to go to bed soon. I walked toward the back end of the house where I believed the guest room was, and Aysia and Mershon followed behind me. Once I got to the room, I noticed there was only one king sized bed, "It's alright that you and Aysia share a bed, yes?" I asked, hoping they wouldn't be offended because i had asked.

"It most certainly beats sleeping on a trash bag!" Mershon laughed, going towards the bed. His hands spread over the entirety of the white and blue striped blankets on the bed. He turned and picked up Aysia, setting her down on the edge of the bed. They’re joy to just spend one night I a warm bed was overwhelming. I wonder how long it’s been since they had slept anywhere but the floor, whether it be outside or inside. I slowly backed out of the room, knowing I needed to be around the phone incase Jae called me with my next assignment. I wondered where I would go next. I wondered if I would go west, maybe California? Utah?

I popped the lid off of a beer and sat on the couch, staring at the blank TV. Why didn’t we have more homeless shelters? I know a lot of the country was destroyed by rebels a long time ago, but how long does it really take to rebuild? And what about hospitals? Nursing homes? There were so many needs.

Jae knows what he’s doing though, I just needed to trust that he was doing what he needs to do. Why would elect someone that didn’t? I don’t know why we would make such a poor decision, so I knew I could trust Jae.

Mershon came in just as I took the last sip of my beer, without Aysia. “She asleep?” I asked, getting up to throw away the empty beer can.

“Yeah, she fell right asleep as soon as I got her tucked in. Mason, I hope you know how much we appreciate this. A lot of people will look at as and think ‘those poor people, I wish I could help’ and then go on with their day. What they don’t realize is that even giving us a quarter could help, I have five dollars in change, and I’m saving up for a coat for my daughter. I good coat, not a bad, ratty one that you find in the trash because people have thrown them out. Anyways, it’s really nice of you to let us sleep here, even if it’s only for a night.” He nodded, picking at his fingers. I could understand why some people wouldn’t want to help him, he looked very weird compared to a normal person you’d see walking down the street. The teeth he had left were crooked, his nose looked like it had been broken and never set back into place, he was bruised like he had been beat, and he had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

“Of course, Mershon.” I answered. I could see myself making friends of this family, but I had to get that idea out of my head, I knew I would be leaving soon.

“Call me Mersh,” He chuckled, “It’s not as much of a mouthful,”

“Alright, Mersh. You ready for bed or do you want to watch some TV with me?” I wanted to make sure he felt welcome, I didn’t want him to feel like he had to be invisible while in my--the government’s--house.

“Yeah, sure.” He awkwardly walked over, sliding onto the couch. I knew he wasn’t used to his surroundings, and so I tried not to stare. I turned the TV on o the first thing that came on, which was some college soccer.

“You like soccer?” I asked, looking over to him as he sunk down into the couch, making himself comfortable.

“Yeah, I do,” He answered, turning his attention towards the TV. I didn’t really watch the game, rather I glanced at him every so often and though more and more about his situation. I just couldn’t understand how people could live like that. I was so lost in thought that Mersh had to shake me to get my attention.

“You gonna get that?” He asked as my phone rang. I nodded and started towards the phone.

“It’s probably my boss, so I need to take this outside.” I replied, hoping he wouldn’t question my secrecy. I pulled out my phone and answered the call, pressing the cold glass to my ear.

“Mason. I have new job promotion offer for you.” He started, and my wheels started turning, what now? “You will stay in Wickett, Texas, and protect law there for six months. Carry out law with people, no books. Burn houses! I send other guys to other states to do same. I send a check for lights and food. Goodnight Mason.” and with that, he hung up. That was one thing I could not stand about him, he was very short with explanations, and never let me get a word in. It was frustrating when I needed to ask questions.

But what did this mean? I was now basically working undercover in a small town, carrying out the law in one place? What would I do about Mersh and Aysia? What about a job, food, money? I knew that Jae would send me some money, but enough to only feed one for three months, not three. He didn’t need to know about my house guests, and he wouldn’t know. I sat down on the lawn chair outside, my mind racing. What other job would I do? I needed to fit into the town like I had just moved here, although it was kind of the truth.

The TV played in the background, reminding me that Mersh was still inside, probably wondering where I had gone and why It was taking so long. I quickly heading back inside to see Mersh asleep on the couch. I nudged him and one of his eyes slowly opened, before he sprung back into an upward position. “Go to bed, it’s alright. We can spend time in the morning.” I told him softly. He watched me for a second before sighing and walking back to the bedroom. I sighed as well, leaving to go to my bed, I was on the verge of passing out from being so tired.

I followed the halls to my room, my mind going hazy from such a long day, I knew I was ready for sleep. I wondered if I should be nervous about Mersh and Aysia stealing my food and items in the middle of the night while I’m asleep, but then I decided it wasn’t something I needed to be worried about. I soon reached my room and turned on the light switch. The entirety of the room lit up and showed me a perfect all blue room, with basically not another color in sight, just different shades of blue. I straightened all my of my pillows and sheets so that it was ready, and then proceeded to turn the light switch off again.

I thought once more about my new assignment, what that meant for me. I hadn’t stayed in one place for longer than a week in months, and the only place I had stayed most of my life was at Washington DC. What kind of job should I get? I had never had a job before needing one now. I had never really cared about different jobs offered to me while I was still in highschool. I’ve always had the job with Jae, as a family handed down business from my grandfather.

I had always wondered if my father had taken the job from Grandfather, or if he decided he didn’t want that job. Maybe that’s why my grandfather never retired. I don’t know, my whole home life was a mess, and it wasn’t something I liked to pry on. Some people might’ve used my pity story to their advantage, but I never saw a reason in doing that. I wanted people to think I’ve always been strong, that I wasn’t a tired lonely kid that couldn’t find a reason as to why his parents left him and his grandfather hated him. I didn’t want to be looked at with pity, rather with respect.

I knew everything was about to change, and I honestly didn’t know how I felt about that. 


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Tue Nov 24, 2015 12:55 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I re-read 2.1 before hopping over here. I don't remember what 2.1 was like before, but based on my review I think you definitely made an improvement in the characters and descriptions! :D I'll hop back over there if you'd like any new, specific feedback, but for now I'll just stick with this chapter.

I'm going to give some general thoughts and feedback as I read through :)

“Welcome, three seats?”

The dialogue didn't naturally flow for me and I think that's due to how you punctuated it. I feel like "Welcome" could be it's own sentence and then "three seats" would be a separate sentence because "welcome" isn't a question and I feel like that's said differently than the second part.

probably wondering why there were such unusual customers in the restaurant, and if they would even be able to afford what they were going to order.

Personally, I don't like when one character assumes what another character is thinking, especially when the reader (and the character) doesn't know the other person and therefore has no context about whether or not this person would be thinking such a thing and why. So here, I would describe what her face looks like and let the reader assume what she might be thinking.

Aysia was happily looking around

I would do a new paragraph here because you've switched focus from what the server is doing to what Aysia is doing.

I wondered what it felt like to have a kid to look after,

You could even do a new paragraph here because you've switched from the actions of his guests to his thoughts.

I shook out of my train of thought to see the waiter, Aysia, and Mershon looking at me with worried looks. I noticed they were waiting for me to say something, but what? “I’m sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. What did you say?”

I thought this transition was just meh - a little awkward. Maybe try to simplify it and make it a little shorter.

embarrassment of missing what she had said, and being so far in my head that I didn’t notice them staring at me.

You can cut everything after "embarrassment". We already know what is embarrassing because we just saw that.

She seemed like she was bored, because her smile didn’t scrunch the corners of her dead eyes. I wondered what she’d rather be doing.

Loooove this description and the thought to go with it!!

Mershon smiled and thanked me again,

New paragraph because you've gone from her to him.

The bad thing about homeless people these days is that some of them aren’t even without a home. They pretend to be to get a free meal or money.

I think you could combine these two sentences because they're really similar ideas and the second logically follows the first.

My job had kept me from really being social, knowing that I would be moving as quickly as I had came.

I liked the rest of this paragraph and the subtle details about his life and his back story. It was a nice sprinkle of information without being overwhelming since we're still early in the story. It gave some nice insight into his character!

We continued with pointless chatter about the economy and the weather until our food came.

Think about where you can break this paragraph up or cut some parts out because it's a touch long, in my opinion. There are some nice pieces of information in here which makes me lean towards the breaking it up option, but think about which pieces are crucial and which can be saved. Think about keeping transitions as brief as possible so we can get on with the good stuff, too.

I barely remember times where my parents had actually been supportive and loving towards me.

Starting at this sentence and going for the rest of the paragraph - be careful. You're starting to get into info-dump territory and I think this information could be saved for a later time. We just got some character insight a couple of paragraphs ago. It's only the second chapter so don't give away all of his secrets yet! :)

I made sure to give him a heads up on the situation at hand, and although he sounded unsure about the situation, he also didn’t stop me.

I didn't like the repetition of "situation". Also, what situation is that exactly? The situation involving his guests?

We all got settled in and he started towards the house that Jae had provided me with. Soon enough, we pulled up to the house, and Mershon was silent next to me, staring at the big house in front of him.
“You’re only here on business for a couple of days?” he questioned, in awe of the size and luxury of the house before him.

There is a lot of repetition of "house" in these couple of lines.

We walked up to the house slowly,

New paragraph here because you've gone from dialogue to their actions.


I'm going to stop with the nit-picks because I think I would just start repeating myself and that's no fun :p
-be aware of your paragraph length and making sure you don't have too much going on in each paragraph.
-be aware of your transitions and making sure you're staying concise and on point.
-along with that, be aware of extraneous details and making sure you're staying on point.

All that being said, I think this is a pretty strong chapter. I can tell you have made some improvements! Your descriptions are really pretty nice - the describing of the house really stood out to me and I thought that was well done. I also think your dialogue feels pretty real and I like that you interspersed action and other things throughout the dialogue so you don't have boring, talking heads. I'm starting to get a feel for who this MC is and I also really liked that you added a new complicated layer towards the end with his job. I like that you're starting to develop his conscious and he's not this ruthless murderer/arsonist and that he's starting to think about what he's doing and whether or not he wants to do it.

The only thing that confused me slightly was his feelings about the family he took in. He was really conflicted in the end about what he was going to do with them because he couldn't tell them about his job and he didn't want to leave them, but his job is sending him to the next location so he doesn't really have a choice. The impression I got when I read the previous part (2.1) was that he took them in as a temporary sort of thing. By the end it seems like he wants to help them more long-term. If that is indeed what you were intending and there was a shift in his intentions, I want to know more about how that shift happened. If that's not what you were intending (it could very well be that I didn't read carefully enough :p) but make sure you make it very clear what his intentions are from the get-go with why he is helping this family.

It's still a very intriguing story and idea and I'd be happy to continue reading as you post more! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




elysian says...


Thank you soooo much!

So, on the first night of the family staying there, Mason get's a call from his boss telling him he's staying in the same place for six months! I mentioned that in there somewhere ;-) hope that clears up some questions!



Carlito says...


But surely he knew he wouldn't be staying in the town with the family for a super long time, right? Because his job requires him to move and go where the need is? So I guess he thought he would have more time with them then he actually did and that left him feeling really conflicted and sad?



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Thu Nov 19, 2015 12:10 am
Vivian wrote a review...



Well damn, Mason.
Hey, Viv here to do a review. But you already knew that.
Great story as usual. I'm so glad Mason has a heart and a mind of his own and isn't just some cold, detached, order following robot in human form. I thought I was going to hate him but then he took Mershon and Aysia in and that was great. I love the creative names by the way. I'd just like to point out a few typos.
1."...but he still seemed in awe that he was able to eat there." Not really a typo but since you're speaking in present tense I believe it would make more sense to say "eat here" instead of "eat there."
2."They're joy just to spend one night I a warm home" The they're should be their and the I should be in. (Mason is very observative)
3. "I believe the last time i remember was around the time I was eight" Firstly, this is very awkward wording but can slide. The "i" should be capitalized.
I'm sticking to three things because I don't remember where or if I saw anything else that could use work or need to be fixed.
Other than all this your story is still great. This is my favorite chapter because of the family and I'd glad you are continuing this.
Keep me updating and keep writing. Hope this helps. :)
Viv, out~




elysian says...


Thank you! And just so you know in advanced, this next few chapters have been written in the haste of NaNoWriMo, just threw the words on a page to get it on the page ;-) but thank you!



Vivian says...


Oh, that's cool. Everyone's doing that, maybe I should have joined. :D




We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead